BirthMom Buds Bulletin April 2006

What's new with BirthMom Buds: Just a little note to keep you up to date with all the great things we are doing!
Birthmother's Day 2006 ~ Bmom's day is May 13th. Mark your calendars! Check out the Bmom's day page for a history on the day, links to different Bmom's day sites, as well as a short list of Bmom's day events. If you have an event in your area, email us the info and we'll get it up! Also, check out the birthmother's day cards made by Coley and a few other birthmoms. Pass the word about them to others in the adoption community.
New poems ~ Check out the new poetry on the Inspiration page.
Chat Night ~ Come join us in our weekly birthmoms only chat on Monday nights at 10 pm eastern. We use a private yahoo chat room to chat so you must have yahoo messenger. If you don't have it, you can download it free. Coley's IM screen name is princessmuh1 and Lani's is myjoshsd2. Hope you can make it to chat!
Buddy of the Month ~ Don't forget to nominate someone for buddy of the month!! Check out the buddy of the month page for more details.
Copies ~ If anyone has free access to a copy machine and would not mind making copies of our brochure and other literature, please email Coley.

Adoption Spotlight: Focusing on any adoption or women's issues related web site, organization, individual, or issue.

Take a teenage girl who gets pregnant, an over protective single mom, and a younger sister who feels out of the mix when her older sister gets pregnant and that is the situation that Jacey Jeffries (Danielle Panabaker), her mom Terry Jeffries (Mercedes Ruehl) and her sister Macy Jeffries (Clare Stone) find themselves in, in the Lifetime Original Movie, Mom at Sixteen.

Jacey gets pregnant at 15 years old by her boyfriend Brad, (Tyler Hynes). During her pregnancy, Jacey and her mom decide the best thing to do is place her baby for adoption. When Jacey is in the hospital with her son, she bonds with him and decides she can not place him for adoption. Jacey’s mother decides that they will keep the baby, whom they named Charlie, as long as she (the mom) tells everyone that Charlie is her son so Jacey can go back to school, go on her with her life, and fulfill all the dreams she has for her life.

They move to a new town where no one knows that Jacey had a baby. Jacey and her sister attend a new high school full of gossipy teens, where sex is as free wheeling as candy. She slowly starts to befriend her health/sex education teacher, Donna Cooper (Jane Krakowski). Mrs. Cooper and her husband Bob (Colin Ferguson), who is a coach at the school, have been trying to have a baby and even had a failed adoption. One day, Jacey faints at swim practice and has to go the emergency room. Mrs. Cooper goes to the hospital to check on her and finds Jacey holding Charlie while waiting on her Mom to finish the hospital paperwork. She talks to Jacey for a while and figures out that Charlie is Jacey’s son. .

Jacey and her Mom get into a huge fight and Jacey says that she can handle being Charlie’s Mom – she doesn’t need her Mom to do it. Upset, her Mom runs out leaving Charlie with Jaycee. Tired, she ends up at Mrs. Cooper’s house. Ironically, Mrs. Cooper is at home, emotionally recovering from the news that another round of in vitro fertilization has failed.

When Jacey gets to their house, she asks Mrs. Cooper to hold Charlie for a minute and she falls asleep on the couch. When she wakes up, she finds Mrs. Cooper, Coach Cooper, and Charlie playing upstairs in a fully decorated nursery. When Jacey asks about the nursery, they explain that they lost a baby when a birthmother decided to parent.

Jacey is beginning to realize that her Mom being Charlie’s Mom is not working and is still considering her options regarding placing Charlie for adoption. Jacey decides to join a group for young mothers and talks to the girls and learns more about open adoption versus raising their babies.

Time passes in the movie, and Mrs. Cooper excitedly runs into the gym telling her husband that she has just received a call from the adoption agency and that they have been chosen by a birthmom! At the adoption agency, they are told the birthmom has already had the baby and wants an open adoption. They agree and are anxiously waiting when Jacey walks in with her mother and Charlie. Jacey tells Mrs. Cooper that this is the hardest thing she will ever do.

In the last scene of the movie, Jacey is visiting the Coopers’ in their living room and Mr. Cooper is video taping them. He is asking Charlie, who appears to be about 5 years old, questions about what is new in his life. He says that he has a new baby sister and Mr. Cooper said "Where did she come from?' .Charlie tells him that his sister came from his mommy's tummy. And then Mr. Cooper asks Charlie where did he come from? And Charlie says, "From my Jacey's tummy." Mr. Cooper asks him, "Who is Jacey?" Charlie goes over to Jacey and hugs her. Mr. Cooper asks him, "What is so important about Jacey?" He says "I am the only one who knows how much she loves me." And Mr. Cooper says, "How is that?" Charlie says, "I am the only one who knows what her heart feels like from the inside." The movie ends with Charlie giving Jacey a big hug.

Mom at Sixteen is a touching, yet complex movie, which shows teenage pregnancy and open adoption in a very positive light. The birth mother and the adoptive family love each other deeply and they share their love for the child. I left out many endearing scenes and would recommend this movie to anyone who has not seen it, but be sure to bring a box of Kleenex.

Ideas and Insights: Some ideas for gifts to your birth child or adoptive parents, creative ways to deal with being a birthmom, insight on things to do or say with your buddy, and ways to shed some light about being a birthmom to those who just don't get it.

Recently I created a scrapbook for my birthson, Charlie. I have called it a “lifebook” as it basically tells a story of my life and how his came about. Many adoption professionals are promoting the use of lifebooks for foster children and children adopted at an older age, but I think any adopted child could benefit from having a lifebook. After seeing the way my birthson and his adoptive family reacted to his lifebook, I encourage birthmothers to create a lifebook for their children either to pass on to the adoptive parents when they place their child or to give them a bit later in life.

What is a lifebook?
A lifebook is basically a scrapbook that tells about your role in your child’s life as his/her birthmother and about your family. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It can be simply made by hand or even using your computer! It’s not so much how it looks as it is what it says. The information in it is the key!

How do I create a lifebook?
First off, you must decide what information you’d like to include in your lifebook. (Some suggestions are included below.) Like I said before, there are no rules, no right or wrong, so the information you include in your lifebook is totally up to you.

You can choose to make your lifebook by hand in scrap booking fashion or use some of the newer computer scrap booking software. With the software you can print your pages out and place them in an album.

Again, it doesn’t have to be fancy - it is truly the information and sentiment that counts!

How can adopted children benefit from having a lifebook?
The lifebook constantly reaffirms your love for your child and can also make you more “real” if you are not in a totally open adoption. The adoptive parents can use the lifebook as a teaching tool to educate him or her about his birth family.

When should I give my child the lifebook?
Whenever you want! Some birthmothers begin them during pregnancy and give them to the adoptive parents upon placement. While others (like me) waited awhile to make them. Older birthmothers could also make one to give to their child upon reunification. No matter their age, a lifebook is something that will be treasured for years to come!

What age level should I gear the lifebook towards?
This is dependent upon the age you plan to give your lifebook to your child or his/her family. I didn’t complete mine until my son was 4 years old. I wrote it in a way that he could understand most of it now and not be babyish when he is a young man looking back at it. If you choose not to give your child the lifebook until he/she is older, then you can gear it towards an older child.

What are some ideas as to what I should include in my child’s lifebook?
Below are some ideas of what you can include. You may choose not to include some of the items and you may have other items you wish to add.

Charlie’s adoptive parents reacted very well to the gift of the lifebook. They looked through it and learned things about me and my family they didn’t know and view it as something special given to Charlie. Since Charlie is only 4, they want to keep it put up so he doesn’t get it messed up, but they can pull it out any time he has questions or needs pictures to reaffirm whom his birth family is.

Whether you are a scrap booking queen or not, I encourage and urge you to sit down and create this lasting legacy for your birth child. Even if your child is an adult, I don’t think it’s ever to late to pass on this part of their biological history!

Buddy of the Month: All of you are appreciated, but each month we will spotlight a different involved member. You can also nominate fellow BirthMom Buds who you think deserve to be buddy of the month. For more info or to nominate a friend, visit the Buddy of the Month Page.

Bon Jovi said, "It's my life, it’s now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just want to live while I'm alive." This is April Birthmom Bud of the Month, Amy Morses’s, theme song. Amy said, "Ever since I had Kaylee I have realized that this is my life that I am living and no one else's."

Amy is a fun-loving and laid back person who would name her autobiography "The Life of a Blonde With a Brain.” If she could make her own cuckoo clock, it would have a teddy bear, which she collects, pop out! When asked how she would spend her 40th birthday she said “I would spend it with close family members and close friends. We would just go to dinner and hang out together. I, as the birthday girl, would choose where we would go to dinner and I think it would be the Olive Garden. I would also treat myself to a full day of pampering; massages, facial, manicure, etc.”

If she could only eat one food for the rest of her life it would be pizza; if she could speak any language it would be German; and if we offered her $2,000,000 to stop keeping her personal hygiene up for 3 months, she would turn us down flat!

The one misconception that Amy wants to clear up is that she is a fun person once you get to know her and if she could change anything about her personality, she would be able to start a conversation with people she didn't know. Amy said that if she knew now what she knew when she was a teen, she would know " To not get involved with men who have a criminal record and are still on probation." Just another one of life’s lessons we learn through out the years!

If she could have a building named after her, she joked she would want a mental institution, but realized, a cool building in downtown Portland would be more her style. Amy also has a long term memory for useless information, like who she danced with to the song "The Dance" in the 8th grade. (In case you are wondering, it was Jason Bailey.) She was a personal witness to the eruption of Mt. Saint Helens last year and continues to be in awe over the ebb and flow of the waves on the beach non-stop.

Amy joined BirthMom Buds not long after becoming a birthmom to her daughter, Kaylee, a little over 2 years ago. Amy enjoys an open adoption with Kaylee and her adoptive family, exchanging pictures, emails, and visting with each other every 3 months.

Since joining BirthMom Buds, Amy has been active in weekly chats (when they don’t interfere with her church Bible Study) and has been a contributing author for the BirthMom Buds Bulletin. She moderates the Dating and Love Life board in our forums, and often shares details of her relationship with her boyfriend, Rob, whom she met on E-Harmony. Amy also has the idea for and has been coordinating our monthly “Birthday Buds” section for a little over a year now. Thank you Amy for all of your hard work here at Birthmom Buds, and thank you for the opportunity to get to know you a little better!

Prayers Please ~ We added this section because so many of you have asked us to remember you or your loved ones in our prayers. We have never wanted to force religion on anyone, so if you don't pray, then skip this section and go on to the next! And if you do pray - add the people listed here to your prayer list. Mary (Snowprincess in our chats) has agreed to be in charge of this section, so please send your prayer requests to her - just put "BBuds prayer request" in the subject so she won't think it's junk mail! :)

Birthday Buds:
Around her birth daughter's 1st birthday, Amy Morse had the bright idea that BirthMom Buds should give members the opportunity to announce their birthdays and their birth children's bdays in the newsletter. If you would like to have your birthday or your birth child's birthday mentioned in this section, please email the birth date, your name or your child's name, to Amy by the 25th of the month before your birthday. For example, if your child's birthday is May 21, then you need to email it to Amy by April 25! So email Amy with those March birthdays now! We hope you enjoy the new section and thanks to Amy for her help with it! (Note: You can click on the names below to email them or send an e-card.)

Founder's Corner: A little section to help keep you up to date with Coley and Lani as they share their lives, their thoughts, and what they're doing with BirthMom Buds.

When Coley and Lani were racking their brains for a topic for this month's Founder's Corner, Jenn Morkve suggested writing on our best April Fool's Day Prank. Since April Fool's Day is one of Lani's favorite holidays and she's a big prankster on this holiday, they knew this would be a fun topic! Lani had a plethora of pranks to choose from, while Coley, only had one or two.

Below, they each share their personal favorite April Fools prank.

Coley's best prank ~ I'm a nice girl and not a big prankster, but I couldn't resist this one.... J and I got married on April 19th, so on April Fools I sent out an email saying that we were sorry but we decided to cancel the wedding and for more information to go to a web link I provided them in the email. I sent this email out to everyone - including several members of our wedding party who were coming from out of town, flying here, had asked off work, etc. The link provided in the email took them to webpage that I created that said "April Fools! Gotcha didn't I?? See You at the Wedding!" Needless to say, my maid of honor, who already had plane tickets to fly here with her 2 small daughters, didn't think it was too funny!

Lani's best prank ~ Most of you can rejoice in not living close to me! I've done so many pranks in my lifetime, it's hard to choose one! First, let me set the stage for you. I live in a two story house and I'm married and at the time had a 6 year old son and a 8 year old nephew with me. At the time, I was about 4 months pregnant. The boys and I teamed up together to get my mom and husband and a few friends. The boys called a few people on my emergency list on the fridge, starting with my mom. I would scream in background and Josh (my son) was yelling "Mom are you ok, are you ok, mom, mom?" My nephew, in a great panic voice, would say "Hello, hello, is this________? Aunt Lani has fallen down the stairs. I'm so scared!" and on and on till the person would say the magic words "I'm going to hang up now and I want you to call 911." At that point we would all yell "gotcha!" This went on for about 4 calls or so. The end result was great, although, we were all in the dog house. My hubby's reaction was the sweetest and hardest as he cried and was so scared. Needless to say, he was not to happy with me, but you would think after 10 years together he would remember my favorite holiday! :) Happy Pranking All!.

Inspiration: Little things to inspire a birthmom from poems, stories, and quotes to encouraging words.

The Love of a Birthmother
by Leslie Guerra

From day one, for you I knew I wanted the best.
Immediately my resolve was put to the test.

No lack of toys, no hunger plea
That's the way for you it should be.

I knew it was for the best that we would part
So I prepared myself with a heavy but loving heart.

Nine months later there you were, my precious baby boy,
The love of my life, my pride and joy.

Letting you go was the hardest thing I've had to do,
But doing so made another's dream come true.

With a tear-stained face I watched you go
With your new mom and grandma in tow.

The pain I felt was unlike any other
But such is the love of a birth mother.