BirthMom Buds Bulletin
August 2008

What's new with BirthMom Buds: Just a little note to keep you up to date with all the great things we are doing!
Newsletter Writers ~ We are always in need of writers for the newsletter. Email Alicia if you are interested. We also accept poems related to adoption for newsletters.
Do you sew? ~ We are in need of fabric tote bags for the care package program so if sewing is your thing, how about making us some bags? Contact Coley for details.
My Space ~ Don't forget BirthMom Buds is on myspace now! Add us to your friends list. You can find us at www.myspace.com/birthmombuds.com
The Forums ~ We have a great time supporting one another on our birthmoms only forums. (Pregnant women considering adoption are welcome too.) Come check out the forums!

Adoption Spotlight: Focusing on any adoption or women's issues related web site, organization,  individual, or issue.

Spotlight on Karen Kingsbury and her book Found
by Mandy Dickinson

 
This month I have chosen to spotlight Author Karen Kingsbury. Not only is she a beautiful writer but she and her husband are the proud parents of six children, three of whom are adopted from Haiti.

My favorite book by Karen Kingsbury is called Found.  It is the story of John and Elizabeth Baxter and how they supported each other through a trying time of their lives when they placed their son Dane for adoption. Elizabeth gave birth to Dane at the very young age of 16 and at that time, she was not married to John, therefore it was unacceptable to have and raise a child. So they placed him for adoption, never to see him again.

Years and years later, Elizabeth is on her deathbed. Cancer has decided to take her life from her loving husband and family. Through a serious of events (for pity’s sake people, just read the book) Dane finds out that Elizabeth is his Birthmother and that she is dying. He decides to go find her and meet her before she dies. As a Birth mom, I cannot imagine being on my deathbed, saying goodbye to my family whom I lived with day in and day out, let alone saying goodbye to my now 25 year old Birth son whom I have not seen since the day I gave birth.

Dane is really afraid that his birth family will not accept him for who he is and that he will not be welcome. He was very wrong. Even though Dane’s Birthmother became a memory to him after only meeting her once, he still got to meet her and hear of her undying love and affection for him. As a Birthmother, I cannot wait until my babies are old enough to truly understand how much I love, adore and wanted the very best for them in their lives. When that time comes, when I get to sit and hold them and cry with them and tell them their stories, I certainly hope that I am not on my deathbed.

This book is brilliant and makes me cry! Karen's books are amazing and as a birth mom, every time that I read this book, it really solidifies my decision and my title of "Birth mom". I wear many hats, but from the bottom of my heart, my birth mom hat is the most important one.

Ideas and Insights: Some ideas for gifts to your birth child or adoptive parents, creative ways to deal with being a birthmom, insight on things to do or say with your buddy, and ways to shed some light about being a birthmom to those who just don't get it. 

Post Visit Blues
by Coley Strickland

While I treasure the visits I am able to have with Charlie, my birthson, through open adoption sometimes after a visit, I feel a sense of sadness and “let down.” I’ve nicknamed these feelings “the post visit blues.” I’ve also talked with other birthmothers in open adoptions who have shared with me that they too have the post visit blues after a visit. Since I have been dealing with this for six years now, I have come up with some methods of coping that work for me and perhaps they will work for you too.

1. Acknowledge the feelings. It’s important that I acknowledge the feelings I am experiencing and allow myself to feel them. I have learned the hard way that if I don’t acknowledge the feelings now it will only hurt me more in the long run.
2. Write a letter. A few days after a visit, I always write a letter to Charlie. I tell him how much the visit meant to me, I recap things that went on during the visit, and I include pictures from the visit. Mailing the letter is optional. If you didn’t want to mail it, you could put them all in a box to share with your child one day.
3. Scrapbook. I actually haven’t done this in one in awhile but am already sketching out layouts from my last visit in my head. Scrapbooking our time together makes me feel good and gives me an easy way to look back at good memories when I want to.
4. Journal. I recap the visit for myself in my journal writing down what we did, cute things Charlie said, etc. Then as I feel sadness over the next few days, I write about those feelings.
5. Try not to isolate myself. This is the one I personally struggle with. When I am dealing with my emotions after a visit and feeling down, I tend to want to be myself, turn off my phone, and crawl in a hole. While this can be good for me for a little bit, it also could quickly become unhealthy so I usually have to force myself not to hide out.
6. Talk with other birthmothers. No one quite understands what I am feeling besides other birthmothers so when I am dealing with sadness after a visit, I turn to my birthmother friends for support and understanding.

I should also add that although I do not see an adoption counselor or therapist, if you do, you may find it helpful to schedule an appointment after your visit.

 

Buddy of the Month: All of you are appreciated, but each month we will spotlight a different involved member. You can also nominate fellow BirthMom Buds who you think deserve to be buddy of the month. For more info or to nominate a friend, visit the Buddy of the Month Page.

August's Buddy of the Month
Destiny Kroeber

Destiny Kroeber is August’s Buddy of the Month! Destiny lives in Pleasant Grove, Utah and  is 22 years old. Destiny is the birthmother of Dustin who turned six years old on January 11^th of this year. She has a semi-open adoption where she communicates with her son through letters and pictures.  She loves to write letters to her son and hopes that they will be something he will hold onto his entire life so he will never question her love for him and her choice to place him for adoption.

Destiny is the youngest of three sisters and one brother. She was born in Allentown, Pennsylvania on October 12, 1985 and moved around the country quite a bit before her parents decided to hold still in Utah.  She also has 6 nephews and 2 nieces ranging from age 1 to 19 years old.  They are everything to her and she doesn’t know what she would do without them!

Destiny has  been with her boyfriend, Bart, for 5 ½ years now and he is her best friend. She met him through a friend shortly after her son was born and he quickly became a very good friend although because of her experiences, she was no where near looking for a romantic relationship.  After a few months of "denial”, she realized that she was in love with him and they've been together ever since!  Destiny and Bart do not have any children together yet and would like to focus on education and financial stability before having a baby.

Destiny is a Payroll Account Specialist and works full time.  Although Destiny loves her job, she plans to get a degree in Graphic Design and would like to start school next spring.  She would also love to earn a degree in Special Education, although sadly she doesn’t intend to have Special Education be a full time career because of the ridiculously low salary (Special Education teachers should make WAY more than they do!)

Destiny’s main hobbies are writing (any type of writing), reading, designing and building web pages, and spending as much time as she can with her nieces and nephews.  She is learning html and coding from her boyfriend who is a genuine computer geek (or should I say genius?) and started by building her own website as practice. She started volunteering for the "Special Primary" for mentally challenged children when she was about 13 years old and loved doing that until her regular job required too much time. Destiny has always had a very strong love for all people with special needs and finds that she can never be unhappy when she is around people with such big hearts.  If she ever needs cheering up, getting a hug from one of those kids never fails to lift her spirits.

Destiny’s favorite quote is "There is nothing to fear, but fear itself".  There was a time in her life when she allowed my fears to define who she was.  After her son was born, she had a different outlook on life and learned that being afraid of something not only controls what you allow yourself to do and become, but puts an unwanted weight on your shoulders that you carry until you allow yourself to let go of fear. 

The three words Destiny would choose to describe herself would be: goofy, outspoken and caring. She can definitely be a goofball, but is known for speaking her mind and giving her truthful opinion when asked for it, although this trait does not always win her popularity awards.  She also has her Mother's caring and loving nature.

Destiny's big brother is her role model. She followed him everywhere he went when she was a child.  He taught her how to play basketball, to climb trees and build mud barricades for plastic army men and gave to her a love of the outdoors.  He has always been the "glue" that holds their family together.  He is very strong; spiritually and physically and is the exact portrayal of the person she would love to be.  He recently returned from his 12 month deployment to Iraq and she couldn't have been happier to have back him on our soil again!  He loves everyone, regardless of their mistakes or problems and is always there to offer help when it's needed.  Throughout her entire life, no matter how deep of a hole she dug herself into, he has always been there to pull her out. He has been Destiny's hero her entire life.

Finding and becoming an active member of BirthMom Buds is the best thing that has happened to Destiny as far as adoption support.  She has said it many times; she wishes that she had found these ladies 6 years ago!  Destiny is very active in the BirthMom Buds forums and also manages and updates the BirthMom Buds myspace page. Coley also recently talked Destiny into becoming the copy editor for newsletters and other publications.

Destiny loves getting to know other birthmothers and learning about their birth children.  BirthMom Buds is her getaway where she can be with friends, no matter how busy life gets.  Anyone who would like to chat with Destiny is welcome to email her.

Thank you, Destiny, for all you do and for just being you!

Pregnant & Placing Point  – A new section for expectant moms who are making adoption plans to provide them with resources, articles, and other insight from those who have “been there, done that.”

Your Upcoming Hospital Experience
by Coley Strickland

As your due date draws near, you are probably giving some thought to your upcoming labor and delivery. There is a lot to think about in regards to how you handle things. Below are a few things that you can begin thinking about as you decide what is best for you and your baby in regards to your hospital experience.

• Do you want the prospective adoptive parents at the hospital? Do you want them in the actual delivery room or just in the waiting area? This can be a tough one!  Some expectant moms do not mind this while others may not feel comfortable having the prospective adoptive parents in the room. Do whatever you feel most comfortable with. You also may want to think about what you would want in the event that a c-section is medically necessary.  Most hospitals will only allow one person in the operating room during a c-section so you might want to have the back of your mind who you would choose if the situation arose.

• Who do I want to visit me? Who do I want to visit the baby?  Some moms may wish to have family and friends visit and have a chance to see and hold the baby, while others may want and need time alone.

• How much time do I want to spend with my baby? Do I want to hold my baby or feed my baby? Do I want my baby to room in with me? Again, all of this is a person by person choice, however I think you have to say “hello” first before you can say “goodbye.”

• Will you name your baby or just give the baby the name the adoptive parents have chosen? You will be asked to give the baby a name.  You may already have a name selected or you may know the name that the adoptive parents have chosen and give that name for the original birth certificate.  Sometimes in the more open adoptions of today, birthmoms and the adoptive families may choose a name together.

• What mementos from the hospital do I wish to bring home with me and what do I wish to pass on to the adoptive family? Many birthmothers treasure their baby’s hospital bracelets, the cards that were on the crib, and the tiny caps placed on their heads minutes after birth. It is your choice to keep these or to pass them on to the adoptive family.  Many hospitals are more than willing to accommodate adoption situations by providing two sets of these keepsake items if you ask them.

• How do you wish to leave the hospital? Do you want to leave first, do you want your baby to leave first, or do you want to leave at the same time? Do you want to actually place your baby into the arms of his or her adoptive parents?

• Keep in mind that some of these things may be dictated by hospital policies, yours or your baby’s doctor and you may not have much choice.

Also, BirthMom Buds has a hospital action plan that outlines your desires and wishes for your hospital stay. This plan can be put in the front of your medical chart and the birthmothers who have used it thus far have found it very helpful. If you’d like a copy, please email us to request one. 

Prayers Please ~ We added this section because so many of you have asked us to remember you or your loved ones in our prayers. We have never wanted to force religion on anyone, so if you don't pray, then skip this section and go on to the next! And if you do pray - add the people listed here to your prayer list. Email Amy with your prayer requests.

"I have recently been diagnosed with a serious eye condition that is in the advanced stages in my left eye. It's a little too complicated to explain here but we are going to try one "treatment" and if that doesn't work I will have to have a cornea transplant. Please pray that this first attempt helps me so that I do not have to have a cornea transplant." ~ Coley

Please continue to pray for Jodi's daughter, Savannah, who is battling cancer.

Birthday Buds:
If you would like to have your birthday or your birth child's birthday mentioned in this section, please email the birth date, your name or your child's name, to Amy by the 25th of the month before your birthday. For example, if your child's birthday is November 21, then you need to email it to Amy by October 21st. So email Amy with yours or your child's birthdays. (Note: You can click on the names below to email them or send an e-card.)

Katie DeWolfe's son Joshua celebrates his 1st birthday on August 6th.
Shonna K's son Sean turns two on August 16th.
Brie Marion's daughter Annika will celebrate her 1st birthday on August 21.
 

Founder's Corner: A little section to help keep you up to date with Coley and Lani as they share their lives, their thoughts, and what they're doing with BirthMom Buds.

Many of you commented about the BirthMom Buds shirt that I was holding up in a photo in the June newsletter. Apparently, you all want one too! So, we have created a small Cafe Press store where you can buy mugs, t-shirts, and other products with the BirthMom Buds logo. There's only a few items there now but we will most likely add more products as we go along.

Check out the BirthMom Buds Cafe Press store here to get your BirthMom Buds merchandise!

Until next month......

Coley

Inspiration: Little things to inspire a birthmom from poems, stories, and quotes to encouraging words.

A Birthmother’s Prayer
by Linda Ann Henry

Dear Lord, protect my little girl tonight
Please rock her in your arms so tight,
I wonder what she looks like
Is she like me, who loves with all her heart,
Does she think about heaven
With the stars so bright?
Can I give my love to her
In the morning light?
 
Does she know how much I miss her?
I cry a rainbow of tears
I will never forget her through the years
When she took her first walk
I wanted to hold her hand
My Dear Lord, help her understand.
 
When she is full grown
I would like to meet with her,
I hope she wants to meet me too
I love her so much
Please give her my love from you.

 

Newsletter Archives

Email BirthMom Buds

Email Alicia, Newsletter Manager