Tips in writing a “dear bmom letter”
*As published in A Personal Touch On Adoption*

The letter you write to potential birthparents (commonly know as a "dear birthmom letter") has to be one of the hardest letters you will probably write in your lifetime! I can only imagine how difficult this might be! You're writing a letter filled with hope, emotion, and vulnerability. Your opening up and sharing personal information, all with hopes of having someone getting to know you and choose you to parent their child - through your words.

As a birthmother, I have never had to write a letter like this. But, while in search of adoptive parents for my son and since becoming active in the adoption community, I have read many and been asked to read many and have openly given adoptive parents ideas and suggestions on ways to improve their letter. There is no right or wrong way to write a "dear birthmom" letter. There is not a certain format to follow. Just write it in a style and way that is comfortable to you!

Also, before you begin writing your letter, if you are using an agency, be sure and check with them to see if they have any guidelines or requirements. Some agencies require the couple to each write separate letters, have the letter be a certain length, or have the letter contain certain topics, while others may not be as picky about content.

Greeting - Personally, I do not like the greeting "dear birthmom" or "dear birthparent" even though it is the most common greeting to these letters. My opposition is because, technically, a woman does not become a birthmother until she signs the papers relinquishing her rights. Up until that time, she is simply a mother-to-be making plans for her unborn child. Try “dear friend” or instead of having a "dear" greeting, you could simply say "hello" or "hi" or even "welcome." (Welcome would be especially good for a letter used on a web site.)

Body - After your welcoming, you will start the body of your letter and the paragraphs of the letter to tell about yourselves. There are many ways you can do this - I will list ideas for paragraphs below, but remember there is no right or wrong way. You can include as many or as few paragraphs as you want.

Introductory paragraph - This is where you introduce yourselves and your child(ren) if you have them! You can also tell about your intent to adopt and a brief little bit about what your looking for in adoption. It is also standard to say something about the decision the woman is trying to make. If you struggled with infertility before turning to adoption it is ok to mention this but only mention it briefly. Generally you should make a statement as to why you chose adoption versus having bio children and that would be the appropriate time to mention infertility. If you choose not to explain why you are adopting versus having bio children, you could just say something about how adoption will help you create or add to your family.

Individual paragraphs - It is customary to have individual paragraphs about the couple. Talk about each person's life, family, childhood, education, occupation, hobbies, interests, significant events in your life, etc.

As A Couple - Tell about how you met, when you were married, things you love to do together, family life, etc You can also have each person tell about the qualities they admire in their spouse.

Children - If you have a child or children, tell about your children. Are they biological or adopted.? If they are adopted, tell a little bit about their adoption. Tell what your children like to do for fun, if they are in dance or play baseball - that sort of thing.

Where you Live - Talk about where you live, your neighborhood, schools, parks, culture, fun thing to do in your area, etc.

Adoption - Talk about what your looking for in an adoption, how you feel about adoption, how you might tell your children about adoption, what your child's birthparents roles might be, etc.

Family - Talk about you and your spouses families. Tell the reader how your extended families feel about adoption, how active they are in your lives, any traditions you may do with them, etc.

Religion - You may wish to talk about your faith if it is something very important to you and involves how you would raise a child. Include info about your church, activities you may do there, etc.

Parenting Style - If you have a certain style, if one of you will be a stay at home parent, or your currently very involved in your child's schooling, you can discuss that in this paragraph.

Closing- In closing, you can thank the reader for their time of reading your letter, wish them luck, and offer your contact information. If your presently working with an attorney or an agency, you can mention that here. You can sign your letter any way you like - "sincerely," "warmly," and "best wishes" are good examples.

• Do not talk about how you understand what a potential birthmother may be feeling or that you "feel their pain." No matter how sympathetic you may be, or how trying starting a family has been, unless you have been in an unplanned pregnancy and face the decision of how to best care for your unborn baby, then you do not truly understand what a potential birthparent may be feeling. This is not meant to be mean, it is just how it is. On the flip side, I will never understand what its like to be infertile or to wait for a birth parent to choose me.
• Do speak from your heart. Let the reader see the real you!
• Do not make promises or suggestions in your letter that you can not or do not intend to keep! If something makes you uncomfortable or you don't think it is something you can really follow through with it, (i.e visits or sending pics once a month) then do not promise it to potential birthparents!
• Do be up front with the kind of contact and adoption your comfortable with. For example, do not make vague statements such as "we can agree to some form of contact we are all comfortable with." If your not comfortable with visits and a particular potential bmom has her heart set on visits, then there is no need for her to read further. Instead try wording it similar to this "We would love to send you pictures, videos, and letters over the years."
• Do write the letter as if your speaking to a friend - not trying to secure a business deal.
• Do not make your letter so long that the reader looses interest. Try to keep your letter between 2-3 pages maximum.
• Don’t use fancy or big words to try and impress a pbmom. Talk in your every day talk.
• Do ask a friend or family member to read over your letter when finished proofing it for mistakes.
• Don’t be afraid to use a little humor in your letter or to make it a little different than all the others out there. Different is good in this case as it stands out in our mind.

So much importance and emphasis is placed on this letter. Many times it is a potential birthparents first glimpse at who you are and what your about. But, if you can put that in the back of your mind and write from your heart, the real you will come across. No fancy words are needed - just your everyday lingo and expressions. Sit down with your paper or at your computer, turn on some relaxing tunes, close your eyes for a second and think about your life, your spouse, your home, your child(ren), etc…. Now open your eyes and describe all of that on paper to a new friend that has never met you before, seen your home, or been a part of your life. Its not how you say it that's important, its what you say!