“What shall they call me?”
by Mary Shaw

* Printed in the August 2009 BirthMom Buds Bulletin *

Mom, Momma, Mommy…there are so many ways for a child to address their mother.  When I became a birthmother, I knew that my son wasn’t going to address me as “Mom” and that there would be a point in my journey where I would have to face how my son was going to address me.  I remember when I went for my visit around his first birthday and his adoptive mother referred to me as “Miss Mary” I received a shutter up my spine.  This was a feeling that I could not just put in a closet and let it settle down.  This was something that I knew I was going to have to pray about and talk over with my adoption counselor. 

When I met with my pregnancy counselor/adoption social worker, Becky, and spoke with her about this, she said this was a common situation that many birthmothers face.  Relieved, I finally knew that my feelings about my “title” were not weird and it was common.  She said the birthmothers that she has worked with all responded differently though.  Some were very content with their birth child to call them by their first name.  Others came up with a title or a nickname that was specific to their birth child.  I knew for myself, I was not going to be content with my son, George, to call me Miss Mary or Mary.  My feelings revolved around the fact that I played a more important role in his life than to just be called Mary or Miss Mary.  For heaven’s sake, I went through 36 hours of labor and an emergency C-section to bring him into the world!  I then began my quest to find my perfect “title.”

I started off by researching “Mom” on the internet.  With the different languages and cultures that are in this beautiful world the title of “Mom” sounds different wherever you go.  Since my heritage was Scottish, Irish, and German, I started by researching the “Mom” names in German and Gaelic.  Although some of the translations I found were interesting, I knew none of them fit me.  I thought I was never going to find anything.  Because I am a woman of prayer, I decided to let God guide me and I asked him to either place peace on my heart to be called Mary or reveal the “title” that I was looking for.

If you are struggling with finding the perfect “title” for your child to call you, below are some of the steps that I went through while searching for what I wanted to be called.

1. Think about nicknames you had through your life.  Was there a term of endearment that your friends or family used to call you that is not used anymore?  Is it something you would feel comfortable with your birth child calling you?  If so, think about this nickname to use as your “title.”

2. If you cannot think of an appropriate nickname, start researching your name or Mom in different languages.   Keep in mind the name needs to be easy to say and easy to spell for your birth child.  Start out with cultures and their languages that are significant to you or to your child’s adoptive family.  This way, there is a historical connection to the reason why you chose your “title.” 

3. Once you have chosen your “title”, approach the adoptive family with this topic.  Explain your reasons for coming up with this idea, and make sure to communicate you are not trying to take away the title of Mom from the adoptive mother.  If they are OK with this, inform them of the “title” you have chosen. 

4. Make sure to try and introduce this “title”, in reference to you, around the time your child starts to speak.  This way, it is second nature to your child by the time they are able to talk constantly.  It will flow just as easy as Mommy and Daddy for your child.  Have the adoptive parents reference you by this name when your child is around or when they are looking at pictures of you with your child.

5. If your birth child has siblings, see how the adoptive parents would feel about the other children calling you by this name as well.  Continuity is always important for a child to remember what to call you.

1. Think about nicknames you had through your life.  Was there a term of endearment that your friends or family used to call you that is not used anymore?  Is it something you would feel comfortable with your birth child calling you?  If so, think about this nickname to use as your “title.”

I hope this list will help you as you deal with this challenge.   My son, George, now calls me “Minnie.”  I chose this because my nephews used to call me this before they were able to say Aunt Mary.  Since they all call me Aunt Mary now, the name was free to use.  His sister also calls me Minnie.  It is now second nature for George, his parents, and his sister to call me to refer to me as Minnie.  Always remember that, no matter what your child may call you, they will always know how incredibly important you are to their lives just by the shear fact you gave them life and your love gave them flight.