Living Life in a Closet

BirthMom Buds

Living life in a Closet
by Tracy Vargason

I think everyone has probably done some things in their lives that they would be very embarrassed about if others knew about it. As I was sitting down thinking about this topic , I was wondering what kind of secrets people have? Are there "common" secrets? For me the list began with of course my decision to choose adoption, and the fact that I kept this secret from many of my friends, acquaintances and family members.

I believe that we spend most of our lives "coming out" about various issues - facing the issues and then moving beyond the limited thinking of others. The key to conquering that which restrains you is not being centered on worrying about people’s judgments.

I also believe that Humanity is in the closet on so many issues that we hide in our own closet because it seems safe. But what are the costs of living life in a closet? Depression, guilt, denial, anger.... There are wounds in life that cut so deeply they seem to leave irreparable damage. In an ironic way, we know that if these wounds are not dealt with they will continue a lifelong destruction within us and push us deeper into our closet. It is a very difficult thing to get a handle on pain and allow healing to begin, but is possible if you focus on dealing with your emotions in a positive way.

When you are able to take a step out of your closet, you will be able to obtain the many things you only dared dream about. Acceptance is simply recognizing the things that I can change and the things I cannot. For me, I no longer have a dark cloud following me because I have changed what I can.

As you make your first or next steps out of the closet keep the following suggestions in mind. They will help make your journey easier.

Do things to find out who you really are and set some goals . Take some time to ponder the future. By setting goals, you will plan ahead more and looked back less.

Find healthy ways to acknowledge your child and the adoption. I buy a birthday gift relevant to his age and place it in his "keepsake" box. Someday, all of it will be his. I shop for me--a special Mother's Day gift. Remember, these things I do for me and no one else. No one needs to know about your "rituals" unless you tell them.

Don't be offended by the ignorance of others. When someone says something surrounding your adoption experience that hurts you, remember that they may not fully understand adoption or know the truth about your situation. This is not an excuse to run back into the closet!!

Reach out to others. Talking brings comfort and healing. Do not be afraid to ask for help. This has been an important step in my journey out of the closet, one I wish I would have started many years ago. If you do not have someone you trust to talk to remember "professional counseling" is not a dirty word.

Finally if you are looking for advice, here's a hint; safe will always be boring, risks will always be exciting, and closets will always be dark.

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	Do things to find out who you really are and set some goals . Take some time to ponder the future. By setting goals, you will plan ahead more and looked back less.
	Find healthy ways to acknowledge your child and the adoption. I buy a birthday gift relevant to his age and place it in his "keepsake" box. Someday, all of it will be his. I shop for me--a special Mother's Day gift. Remember, these things I do for me and no one else. No one needs to know about your "rituals" unless you tell them.
	Don't be offended by the ignorance of others. When someone says something surrounding your adoption experience that hurts you, remember that they may not fully understand adoption or know the truth about your situation. This is not an excuse to run back into the closet!!
	Reach out to others. Talking brings comfort and healing. Do not be afraid to ask for help. This has been an important step in my journey out of the closet, one I wish I would have started many years ago. If you do not have someone you trust to talk to remember "professional counseling" is not a dirty word.