BirthMom Buds
Family Support
by Lin Carsurd
*As published in the
August 2004 BirthMom Buds
Bulletin*
Families are our loved ones that are there through thick and thin. They are there to help us wipe the tears and share the smiles and hugs. As far as my memory allows me to go I cannot remember my parents or siblings ever being that comforting both emotionally or physically.
When I got pregnant in 1999, my parents were more than disappointed. I still don’t think words could explain there feelings when they had found out. To this day, I have to admit that I do have a little anger towards them for not really being there for me. When I had decided to relocate and give my child a better life through adoption I honestly think they were happy that they didn’t have to tell anyone that there unwed daughter had a child.
During the adoption process and my pregnancy, conversations with my parents on the phone were very strained. My dad especially did not know what to say or talk about besides the old" How is the weather out there"? In my opinion, I was dying to hear them tell me once that they missed me or that they are supporting me. I don’t think they had any idea what I was going through. When we spoke, my mother was very short and talked about everything under the sun but me being pregnant and giving her up for adoption.
After I had given birth to my daughter in September of 1999, which my mother did come out to be with me. I can remember her voice telling me" just sign the papers so you can get on with your life and close this chapter". I think those words will forever stay with me. None of my five siblings (all older) called me to see how I was doing or anything. Not even a card or email. Before my mom left we sat down and talked. She just didn’t understand why all the emotions and the sobbing.
After she left, I had written a letter to every immediate family member. I tried to make them understand my life and where I was at the time I got pregnant. I tried to make them understand why I chose adoption. They all supported the adoption part but like my mother had no concept of why I was an emotional roller coaster. I remember writing to them asking " Imagine yourself giving up your own flesh and blood, how would you feel"? I even went as far as offering to come back to NY and go to some counseling with my family so maybe a professional in the field can explain in better terms why I am torn by my decision and so forth. But my parents declined without taking a breath.
A little over four years has passed and I do not talk about my daughter that I gave up for adoption. The one time I mentioned her, I was immediately given the hush hush look. I was so sad that day. The only person I can honestly talk to without having any fear of being hushed or ignored is my husband. Even his parents are weird about it too. His mother just completely avoids any and all conversation. I have tried for years to get my family on both sides to understand the effects adoption has had on my life but it, I have found, is like swimming upstream with one paddle. You don’t get anywhere. I have researched the effects on the birthmothers after its over and had given them to my family but again I had gotten nowhere.
In my case, helping my family understand the steps I had taken to do the adoption, both during the process and after has gotten me back at square 1. I have decided that families can't understand what there child or sibling had gone through unless they have done it themselves. I could be wrong, but I believe that for now. Effort after effort, I failed trying to make my family come together as one to understand adoption from all aspects. And effort after effort in my parents eyes, I still have failed them.
I think in the end, That we, birthmoms,
firstmothers, or whatever we choose to call our selves, are the only people that
can understand why we chose adoption and why our emotions are like they are like
they are for the first days after it was final or the next twenty years when our
child's birthday comes up. That it is our right to cry whenever we want. And if
years goes by and we have forever tried to make our family one again and failed
we can only say we tried and move on. That is what I have done. I'm almost 27
and have a family of my own. I need them as they need me. And when the day comes
that I tell my girls about there sister I know that they will understand my
decision and hopefully welcome her into their lives.
A few things to remember when talking to your family about adoption: