So many hoping to adopt couples have told me that the first phone call a pbmom makes to a couple is very nerve racking, but remember the pbmom is just as nervous as you are! I think it is a good idea to have a small notebook and pen near the phone that way you can jot down important things she says. Also, keep a list of questions in the notebook, that way if you are nervous, you won't be fumbling for words or what to ask. Show an interest in her well being as a person, not just the person who is possibly going to give you a child. On the first phone call, you don't want to ask too many questions or get to personal. Save those for another time.

Questions and things to say during the first phone call -

• I'm so glad you called. How are you?
• How are you feeling? Have you had a good pregnancy so far? Have you been getting prenatal care?
• When are you due?
• Is this your first child?
• Tell me a little bit about yourself. Are you a student, do you work, live with parents, etc??
• How old are you?
• Where are you from? Have you lived there long?
• What is your family like? Do you have brothers or sisters? Is your family supportive?
• What about the father of your child - is he involved? What's he like?
• Have you had a chance to talk to any professionals or others about your decision?
• Do you have any thoughts on what kind of contact you would like after the baby is born?
• Do you have any special requests on how you would like your child to be raised.

If the conversation goes well and you feel comfortable you could then ask her -

• If she would like to meet before the baby is born
• If she would like your attorney or agency's information
• To send you (or the attorney or agency) proof of pregnancy

A few more tips -

A few things NOT to do or say -

• Do not pressure her to choose you or make a commitment before she is ready.
• Do not patronize her.
• Try to impress her with your achievements.
• Do not say things that you think she wants to hear just so you can adopt her child.
• Do not be too pushy or overbearing.
• Do not pressure her for more information than she is willing to give you at the moment.

A lot of these same questions and tips will apply to communication via email. Email is a little "tricker" though. It is less personal and your questions may bombard her. On the phone, you can ask a question, talk about something else for a minute, then ask another question. In an email, your questions may look a little more threatening so you should probably limit the number of questions to about 3-5 an email. Try to write about something else in the email too so that it is not only the questions. Write about your life, what you did that day, etc - then ask your questions. Some hopeful adoptive moms communicate with pbmoms (after the initial email) via a messenger service such as yahoo or AIM. (These are both free and most people have them.) This might be an easier way to communicate via email if the pbmom seems reluctant to move to the phone.

So the next time your "adoption phone" rings, just relax!

To read more articles similar to this article, purchase a copy of Adoption Pointers, Advice for Adoptive Parents from a Birthmom. Written by co-founder Coley this informational CD-Rom includes tips on what to write in your dear birthmom letter, guides you on making your adoption profile, and gives suggestions of things NOT to say to potential birthmoms!
For more info, please visit http://www.wishuponaweb.net/cd.htm

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