Coley

Coley is the birthmother to Charlie, who is almost 6, Super Mom to Noah, age 10, and has an angel baby in heaven. Coley and her husband, Jason, reside in South Carolina.
Check out Coley's son, Noah's web site
Read some of Coley's writings

 

Check out Coley's Crisis Pregnancy and Open Adoption Blogs!

When I was in high school, there was a girl who had a baby and went through an adoption agency and placed her baby for adoption. I remember thinking that she did the right thing for her baby, but that it must have been incredibly hard at the same time. Little did I know then, that years down the road, I would have so much in common with her. I am a birth mother and this is my story…… I had just left the health department and felt like a failure for the second time in my life because I was single and pregnant. When I was 19 years old, I became pregnant and forced myself into a loveless marriage because I thought it would be the best thing for my child to have two parents living together. Noah was born in 1996. He had a lot of complications at birth and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and epilepsy. His father and I had married for all the wrong reasons, trying to do what we thought was best for our child and the difficulty of parenting a child with special needs was more strain than our marriage could handle and we split up. I had been dating around and saw someone off and on for a few months but we realized we did not want the same things out of life and moved on. We had been intimate though and I thought I had nothing to worry about since I was on the depo-proverb (birth control) shot and it was practically fool proof. Boy, was I surprised when I took a routine pregnancy test when I was getting my shot. The test was POSITIVE!! I immediately made an appointment with an OBGYN to find out how far along I was. I stared in disbelief at the screen as the ultra sound tech told me I was nearly five months pregnant. "How could this be??" I wondered in dismay. I was automatically considered a high risk pregnancy because of all my complications with Noah's birth. I was overwhelmed and afraid. I knew immediately that it was the guy from months before and we had gone our separate ways. I had since moved on and was involved with someone special, Jason, that I sensed would be a part of my life forever. When I first found out I was pregnant I tried to break up with Jason. It is hard enough for a man to love a single mom to a kiddo with special needs, without adding a baby to the scenario. But Jason surprised me and said he would support whatever choice I made. I had contacted the bio dad and he pushed for abortion and didn’t seem to care that I was already 5 months along. I suggested adoption and he did not like that option because "he did not want Jr. showing up on his door step 18 years from now." I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was simply taking things one day at a time trying to let the fact that I was pregnant sink in. I was in denial and I knew I had to accept reality and begin making plans for my unborn child very soon. Just a few days after the ultra sound appointment, I was at the Tex Mex restaurant where I had been waitressing for quite awhile. One of my regulars, Angee, came in for lunch on a slow day and for some reason I mentioned to her that I was pregnant (before I had told any of my coworkers.) She and her husband, Scott, congratulated me and I explained to them that it was very unplanned and that I was even thinking of adoption. Saying that was out of the blue. Although the thought had crossed my mind, I really had not spoken the word aloud. Scott and Angee told me how their daughter, Natalie, who I had always just assumed was their biological daughter was adopted in an open adoption arrangement. She briefly explained open adoption, mentioned the lawyer they had worked with before, and said if I wanted more information about them or wanted to contact their lawyer for more info about adoption, they would be happy to help. Angee gave me her phone numbers, probably thinking I would never call, and wished me luck. I called her that night. We talked over the phone and got to know each other a little. She told me about her and Scott and Natalie. I told her about me, Jason, and Noah. They came in the restaurant over the weekend and brought Natalie with them. Angee had explained to me how Natalie has always known that she was adopted and that she grew in another lady's tummy. She also explained open adoption, which at that point, was a foreign concept to me. The idea of being able to place my baby in a stable 2 parent home yet still maintain some form of contact was very appealing to me. It was then that I realized in my heart that this was what God intended for me to do. We set up a dinner meeting for Jason to meet them, I wanted a second opinion, some reassurance that this was the right decision. He liked them as much as I did. And so our adoption agreement was beginning. Angee and Jason started going to all my doctor appointments with me. We all spent a lot of time together. Natalie and Noah would play together and Natalie would amaze me because it never phased her that he could not walk or talk. She would get on the floor and crawl with him. God was working in all our lives. That doesn't mean that this was not hard. Knowing that I would be bringing this baby in to the world, but the handing him over to another family was extremely hard. I tried to think of him as Angee's baby and not mine as a defense mechanism so that when I went home empty handed maybe it would not hurt so much. I am a strong person and was trying so hard to be strong and follow through with my adoption plan. Our son, Charles Kelby, (fondly known as Charlie) entered this world 4 weeks early on September 20, 2001. He was healthy, yet small, and very loved by both his birth family and adoptive family! I spent time with him in the hospital and Angee was right there too. We cared for him together those 3 days. Many of Scott and Angee’s family members came to visit in the hospital and I got a chance to meet Charlie’s extended family. All through out my pregnancy, Jason, Angee, myself, and others had talked about how Charlie would be doubly blessed – having a birth family and an adoptive family that both loved him dearly. Since we had planed an open adoption, I had held on to the fact that I would be doubly blessed as well – that I was doing the right thing and would get to see him my son grow up over the years. I still emotionally struggled after his birth. I was grieving for the child I lost – the child I willingly gave a better life. I felt as if no one else in the world understood what I was feeling. I was desperate for someone who could understand. Sleepless one night about a week after his relinquishment, I saw an "Is anyone out there post?" on adoption.com. As I read the post I noticed that this was a post by another birthmother, Lani! I instantly replied and we began chatting via email. The similarities were amazing. Lani lived in the next state and the same city as my Grandmother; her baby was born on MY birthday, just 4 days before Charlie's birth, and placed in an open adoption similar to mine. I never imagined when I responded to her post that we would end up becoming as close as we are. Without our babies births we never would have met each other. At first all we talked about was adoption – she understood what I was thinking before I could even get the words out of my mouth! Now though, our friendship is about so much more than adoption. As we began to watch our birth children grow from a distance, our emotional pain began to subside. We hadn’t forgotten our children, we were just trying to move forward. We both knew with out each other, our post partum grief would have been so much more difficult, and we didn't want others to have to search for a friend that understood. Based on that principle, together in 2003, Lani and I started BirthMom Buds, a not for profit organization, and web site for birthmothers and women pregnant and considering adoption. Our organization provides birthmothers with an outlet, a way to meet other birthmothers, a means to begin healing, and more. We boast a network of over 400 birthmothers from all over the US and a few other countries as well. Besides my work with BirthMom Buds, I have enjoyed becoming active in the adoption community. I have shared my story with others in books, newspaper articles, magazines, and a radio talk show. I’ve mentored girls who were pregnant and placing their children for adoption, I’ve moderated forums, and more. I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this had God not sent me on this path. I still maintain contact with Charlie and his adoptive family. I have seen him at Christmas and other times through out the year, been at his birthday parties, and his mom was even a bridesmaid in my wedding. My good days outweigh the bad, although I have now learned the pain will never totally subside, but I have allowed myself to move forward. I hope that others can learn from my experience - that newer birth moms may have some hope that there is life after relinquishment. I still believe that Charlie is doubly blessed, but I believe my life is doubly blessed as well. While being a birth mom is not an easy task, it’s one that I have accepted and embraced. Because of adoption, I have had the privilege and pleasure of meeting and getting to know many birthmothers that I never would have had the opportunity to meet had I not chosen adoption.  

Coley and Charlie,
July 2005

Lani

Lani is the birthmother to Kinsey, who is almost 6 years old. She is the proud Mom to Joshua, who is 10 years old, and Nicholas, who will soon be three. Lani and her husband, Tom, reside in Georgia.

  My family and I reside in Atlanta, Georgia. I am married to a great man, Thomas, who is my high school sweetheart and the love of my life. We have a wonderful son, Joshua Scott, who is currently 8 as of July 2005. In July of 2000, we embarked on an incredible journey together. We decided to have a child for friends of ours that could not conceive on their own. God placed this in my heart suddenly, after Todd* and Reann*, went though a painful and tragic miscarriage yet again. Weeks earlier I had been praying to God asking to do something big with my life. This was not what I had in mind. I was thinking more along the lines of joining the senate (ha ha) or volunteering at a hospital. But it seemed God placed this in my path and it suited me just fine. When I came to Tom with the idea of helping Todd and Reann have children, at first he asked if that meant me being implanted with their baby or what. I told him no. That would cost too much and the risks were too high. Knowing we could conceive on our own and not have all the added cost and oddness of it all would be better. Besides we make pretty babies! It only took a two hour discussion on the basics of it all before he agreed with me to go on this journey. That's just how much faith and trust he has in me. He knows my faith in God and knowing God would never lead us in to harms way. An I would not do any thing that would hurt my family. So the following week we had a mini meeting at their place to figure out some of the logistics of it all. Since this would be mine and Tom's child, we would do an adoption at birth. During the pregnancy Reann would go to all pregnancy doctor appointments with me and so on. Things were set in to motion. I truly believe when God lays it on your heart to do something that nothing stands in the way of his perfect plan except for your self. So I stepped aside and let him take charge. Things came to me so easy; it was not at all scary. I know it sounds crazy, but I can not explain how easy it was to say, "we would love to have a baby for you," to our friends that could not conceive. God put the words in my mouth. I say that now because, I can look back and see there is no way I could have said it on my own. </FONT></P> Well lots changed in the time I got pregnant and the time she was born. We got to work right away and it took 7 months to conceive. I began working at Reann's school as she said the job I currently was doing was too strenuous on me and would not be good for the baby. Plus she needed a Pre-K teacher. I thought it would be nice since we could be close and she could be there throughout the pregnancy. Well the month before I got pregnant Reann became pregnant. I was so happy yet worried for her knowing her past experiences. We did not know she was still trying so I was a little thrown off by it and wondered what about our child provided that I was pregnant and did not know yet. We talked and she said she would want both. Well sadly she miscarried again andcome to find out I was pregnant. I had a cake made for them to tell them the news. I went to Reann to tell her I wanted to get together with her and Todd. She ended up getting it out of me and we cried and talked together. She said she wanted to tell Todd on her own. </FONT></P> Things then started changing between us. She became distant and I never saw Todd around and she always had excuses for not being able to go to the doctor with me. I was beginning to feel like I was in a game or soap opera and I found out she was trying to adopt a baby from a teenage girl who was pregnant behind my back and the girl backed out. She had become so extremely desperate. I noticed lots of things happening in her life.Thing that no mother should do.To say the least. That led Tom and I to the decision to tell her we could not let her adopt the child we were carrying. I found out that day God used our friends Todd and Reann as a pawn, in his plan I believe he knew with out using some one close to us, we would not of done it. We had said we would parent the baby and were especially excited when we found out the baby would be a girl. But deep down, I felt a tug saying this was not the way it was meant to be. But being selfish and always wanting a girl, I said it was the thing to do. I was not aware that Tom also had a tug on his heart saying "this is not what I told you to do". He began to share with his customers about the way things turned around on us. He had one customer whom he knew very well that just had triplets through fertility treatments and she shared about the pain she felt when she thought she would not be able to conceive and told Tom of a good friend of hers in Virginia that could not conceive again after having a child through egg donation who was born very early. This friend of hers wanted to adopt more children. The woman told Tom if we decided to still bless a family with this child to hang on to their number and call her. Tom came home and gave me the number of this family in Virginia and then I knew he had some of the same feelings that I did. We had set out to bless family that could not have a child and that was our prayer when we got pregnant, so deep within we felt that was God's plan and the prayer he answered the day we found out we were pregnant. Some time went by and I was still thinking I wanted to parent her, but then one night it hit me while I sat crying on the porch this is God's gift for me to carry and bless some on else with. And some where out there, was a family praying for this child too. So I made a call to the family Tom had gotten the phone number for. When I called the parents to be, I spoke with the soon to be Dad. He was in shock and very excited. He told me his wife was at church. You guessed it. Turns out she was praying for a child, about the very moment I called. It was so amazing. They flew down to meet us and it was as if I was meeting the people in my head. I'd never felt strange awkward at all we just knew. After the meeting, we told them we would call them. We still felt obligatedto meet with a different couplel. Whom a family member had despertly wanted us to meet. these were distant relitivael of theres who wanted to adopt really badly so we agreed to meet them. They were nice and had lots to offera child .but we already knew in our hearts who were meant to be the parent of this growing little girl. The adopted parents would have to wait a long drawn out 48 hour to here from me and the dessiosion we would make. in thsi time they called despret to here our choice We had decided to call them together and give them the news but not before tell eing the other family we had meet they would not be adopting this child. but before we could make the calls the adopted dad phoned us eager to here soem positive news. I exictingly told him he was going to be a daddy again. We now have a great open adoption. I receive pictures about every month. We visit when they come here and I can go to the if I like. We email lots and send gifts. I am so blessed to have her family in my life and raising our beautiful girl. I could not ask for better. The adoptive mom thinks of my feelings all the time and never shuts me out of our daughter life. After all if some one loves a child why would you want to remove their love? Enough people can never love you! The Saturday before mother's day is Birthmothers day and I receive a special token of their love for me on that sometimes-emotional day. But sadly enough as happy as I was with the decision I made, there are times of pain. Your heart is tearing in two directions; on one hand your happy with the gift you've given a family filling their arms with love. On the other hand, you're hurting from empty arms of your own. There were many times I screamed and cried out, "Why do I have to do this?" When the pain was so much I could not see straight I went on line and in a search engine typed in adoption and found a forum on adoption.com, where I left an "Is any one out there?" post. That's when I met Coley. She is very special and important to me. Our little girl was even born on her birthday. We have formed a great bond, one I could never pay for or thank God enough for the angel she is and the life she added back in to my days. She and I both placed with in days of each other. I needed a friend that shared in my pain. We have a silent bond, knowing that tomorrow is not just tomorrow anymore. Every thing is different. I stopped looking for normal again and learned this will be my normal. I will forever be a Birthmother. Coley helped carry me through the hardest days. We leaned on each other for support and together we decided no one should have to go at this alone. Having each other means so much to us. We had a burning passion to help other birthmothers find each other. So we created Birthmom Buds, where BirthMom's can come give a little information about themselves and be linked up with a birthmom who relates to them. We also mentor woman pregnant and considering placing there child for adoption. We have grown leaps and bounds in the few years we have be up and running. I feel this was one of God's greater purposes in my adoption journey I still have bad days when I see a blonde haired, blue eyed sweetie and I miss mine so. Or sad times like when I see new pictures of her and hear how she is like me in so many ways; those are the times I miss being there. But the joy I find in the life I gave her keeps it worth all the sad days. God recently granted us with the chance to bring a darling little boy in to this world yet again. And I as I parent this precious boy, I am reminded of just how wonderful the gift of memories with your child can be. I know they are blessed to be our sweetie's parents. And we are blessed to be called her birthparents. My journey in adoption is far from over. I am blessed every day when I meet a new birthmother looking for answers to some of the painful questions. It has become one of my life missions to rasie adoption awareness and teach all the diffrent types of adpotions, change some of the legal aspects of adoption and get better support for birthmothers before and after placement.I hope my story helps you to see that not all adoptions end in pain. It is what you make of it. I am not one to look back at the past but to learn from it to better my tomorrow. *Names have been changed to keep their anonymity.
 

Lani and Kinsey,
July 2005