BirthMom Buds Bulletin
January 2010
 

 

What's new with BirthMom Buds: Just a little note to keep you up to date with all the great things we are doing!
BirthMom Buds Birthmother's Day Celebration ~ Planning is underway so be sure and the save the date for this year's Birthmother's Day Celebrations. Join us on Saturday, May 1st, 2010 at the Double Tree Hotel in Charlotte, North Carolina. We will plan weekend activities again for anyone coming from out of town. More details to follow.
2010 Slideshow ~ We are now accepting submissions for the 2010 slideshow! We're looking for pictures of you with your child, hospital photos, pregnancy photos, photos of you with birthmother friends, photos of you with your child's adoptive parents, etc. Higher resolution photos are best. Please be sure and include details about who is in the photo when you email it in. Also, sending in multiple photos is fine as it gives us something to choose from so that we can use what fits the song best. We will use at least one photo from each person who submits a photo. The slideshow debuts at our Birthmother's Day event and then will be on the website after. Email your photos to us!
Become a Fan! ~ Become a fan of BirthMom Buds on Facebook and invite your friends and family to become fans too. Check out the BirthMom Buds fan page here.
New Chat Room - Our new chat room is open and ready!  We're still chatting on Monday nights at 10 pm eastern just in the chatroom instead of using yahoo messenger. In order to go into the chat room you must be a registered member of the forums and use your forum log in information. You will find the chat room listed as "live chat" on the board index page of the forums. If you have any questions or need to register as a member of the forums please do this prior to chat as we will not be able to easily access the information during chat.
Poetry ~ Have you written any poetry related to adoption? We're always looking for poetry related to adoption for the newsletter and/or the poetry page. If you've written anything, you'd like to share, please email it to us.
Newsletter Writers Needed ~ Do you enjoy reading the BirthMom Buds Bulletin? Help ensure that great newsletters still arrive in your inbox monthly by volunteering to write an article. Not a professional writer? No problem, we will help you! Check out the newsletters ideas page or email us for more information!
 

 

Ideas and Insights: Sharing ideas, suggestions, and tips on life as a birthmom.

Changes: Surviving the Unknown Journey
by  Mary Shaw

A new year has come to us and with that New Year we all will be facing changes in some fashion.  As birthmothers, we all know what the unexpected feels like.  All of us have gone through changes and those of us in open adoptions watch our children’s lives change. We have to adapt to survive the path less traveled.  Sometimes, those changes are “pleasant” to go through and we look forward to the journey.  Other times the changes are “arduous” and we dread the slightest step towards the journey. 

There are numerous types of changes that you can face being a birthmother.  Some examples of changes that birthmothers may face in conjunction with their child's life are:

  • Your child’s family moves away

  • You have to move further away from your child

  • The adoptive parents divorce

  • Changes in the occurrence or type of visitation

  • Frequency of contact from adoptive family

  • One of the adoptive parents gets sick

  • One or both of the adoptive parents pass away

  • The adoptive parents conceive or adopt another child

  • The child and/or adoptive parents desire more contact

  • The child and/or adoptive parents cease contact with no warning

  • For those in closed adoptions, you find your child or they find you

  • Reuniting with your child

The biggest change that I personally have had to deal with after my son was born and entrusted to his adoptive family was when I found out that his adoptive parents had separated.  My son was coming up on his third birthday.  I found out approximately 6-8 weeks after the initial separation occurred through an email from my son’s adoptive father.  My whole world came crashing down in a matter of seconds.  It felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and somebody was stomping on it for fun.  This wasn't what I had pictured for my son's life. My first thoughts were:

  • “How did I go wrong in choosing them to raise my son?” 

  • “Why didn’t they tell me right away?”

  • “How is my son doing and will he be affected?” 

  • “Who wanted the divorce and what caused it?”

I’m sure there were a lot more than just those questions, but initially it was an utter feeling of hopelessness.  The feeling of wanting to protect my child started to kick in and then anger that I couldn’t protect him. At first, I was an absolute mess and then I had the thought:  “I survived an unplanned pregnancy and came out of it OK, I know I can conquer this!”  I knew then, I had to start the healing process in order to function in my life. 

Here is a list of some of the things I embraced:   

  • There is nothing I can do about it right now and there is nothing I can do to change the situation.

  • I asked God for guidance and I asked Him for peace of mind and heart.

  • I contacted my caseworker and asked if she could meet with me.

  • I talked out all of my feelings with my caseworker, and people I trusted.  If you feel you need some guidance and counseling, it is OK to admit it and ask for it!

  • When dealing with the adoptive parents, I told them how I felt about it (THINK:  Speak the Truth in Love!!)  I was not nasty or cruel, but they knew how I felt.

  • Respect Boundaries:  I needed a little bit of space to sort things out for myself so I asked the adoptive parents to respect that.  I was also respectful of their boundaries and I did not ask nitty-gritty questions.  

  • Talk with adoptive parents about the dynamic of the relationship.  Visitations and/or contact may change and it is important to find out how it will be affected.

The final result from this huge change in my son's life is filled with bittersweet facts.  My son’s adoptive parents did divorce.  Even though that is not what I wanted for my son, it was probably for the best.  Openness in my relationship with my son has increased.  The dad is the one that remains in contact with me and fills me in on my son. He sends me pictures constantly through his cell phone of my son. He doesn’t mind if I call the house whenever I need to talk.  My visits aren’t as tense and I don’t feel like someone is hovering over me.  I know my son is OK and that he has not been affected negatively because of the divorce.  He is a very happy child and that is all I wanted for him.  Unfortunately, I lost a relationship with the adoptive mother.  I wanted her to set the tone of our relationship and she chose to cut off contact with me.  More than likely, it was for the best.  I don’t know her reasons for her inability to carry on a relationship with me (nor do I care to know the details) and I pray for her everyday.  We all adapted to what was best for my son.

If you are faced with a tough change ahead of you, know that you have the strength and ability to make it through because you have already been down a difficult path.  Making the hard decision to place your child for adoption was a major change in your life and you survived!  Always know there are other birthmothers and those involved in adoptions that are willing and able to walk by your side through the bumps in the road.  Sometimes we have to take a perspective like Robert Frost in his poem, “The Path Less Traveled”:  I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence:  Two roads diverged in a wood, and  I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.  We may not be able to choose the changes we will go through, but it is the choices on how we deal with the journey that makes all the difference.

 

Adoption Spotlight: Focusing on any adoption or women's issues related web site, organization,  individual, or issue.

An Interview with an Adoption Social Worker
Amy Schumaker


Lately as a college student, I feel as if I have become pretty good about writing papers. This past fall term, in one of my social work classes, I had to write a “Fields of Practice” paper. What this consisted of is choosing one field of social work to explore, write a literature review of at least five to six journal articles, and then interview a social worker in the chosen topic field. Since I have an interest of becoming an Adoption Social Worker, I felt the need to write about social workers in this field. I also felt that it would be an easy topic to write on since I myself am a birthmother and would be able to use the correct terminology in my own paper. When it came time to interview a social worker with in this field, I choose to speak with my very own adoption social worker that I worked with while placing Kaylee in 2004. I thought the Birthmom Buds Newsletter Readers would enjoy reading what a social worker in an adoption agency does behind the scenes. Below is the interview section for my Fields of Practice paper. I hope that you enjoy!

Amy DeGennaro from Open Adoptions & Family Services (OAFS) located in Portland, Oregon was the social worker interviewed for my paper. She worked for OAFS for five and a half years and held many different positions at the company. Before Ms. DeGennaro came to work for OAFS, she worked for the Department of Child Services for a year. When asked which environment she enjoyed more, she stated that she liked OAFS more due to the circumstances all parties were in (DeGennaro, 2009). She believed in the philosophy behind openness and worked hard to help people understand that openness was in the child’s best interests. She enjoyed giving women who were facing an unplanned pregnancy another option.

Ms. DeGennaro had many different roles while working in the agency. For birthmothers, Ms. DeGennaro would counsel women with unplanned pregnancies and help them figure out what they wanted to do in terms of either parenting or planning an adoption. Some women came to the agency seeking information on abortion, although she did not do much counseling around abortion (DeGennaro, 2009). If a woman chose to parent, her job was to help the woman get access to resources in the community that will support her in parenting. If the birth mother’s chose adoption, it was Ms. DeGennaro’s job to help the birth mother understand issues around an open adoption and what an open adoption might mean for the birth mother and family. There was a lot of adoption education inherent in the counseling. There is an emotional side to the adoption process that Amy tries to prepare people for, but there are also many logistical issues that she needs to focus on, as well. There is a lot of paperwork required in an adoption, and she had to make sure everything was in order. In addition to the paper work, Ms. DeGennaro was also responsible discussing the terms of the open adoption agreement by helping the birth mother and prospective adoptive couple comes to agreement about the future of their open adoption relationship. For adoptive families, Ms. DeGennaro and the agency were responsible for educating the prospective adoptive families about the intricacies of open adoption (DeGennaro, 2009). Adoptive families go through many steps in an adoption process. Steps that prospective adoptive families go through include: adoption seminars, intake interview, home study process, adoption mediation, placement counseling, post-placement supervision, and state finalization (Open Adoption & Family Services, 2009).

A home study is when a social worker comes out to the prospective adoptive family’s home to see where the family lives, the condition of the family’s home and every other little part of the daily home life of the family. The home studies ultimately approve or disapprove the family to be able to adopt (DeGennaro, 2009). Once a child has been placed into an adoptive home, Ms. DeGennaro will go and do a post-placement supervision to ensure that the child and family are thriving. If everything looks good, then she would approve the placement of the child and the adoption can then be finalized in court (OAFS, 2009).

A large part of Ms. DeGennaro’s job at OAFS was to educate the community about open adoption. So few people know what open adoption is and that it is an option for many women. She and other staff members from the agency would travel to hospitals, schools, community centers, etc. and educate people on the value of openness in adoption (DeGennaro, 2009). On an average, a counselor or social worker may have up to five adoptive families in the home study process, three birthparents in counseling, be actively working on two adoptions, and perhaps have a home study or post-placement report she is working on. The client workload for any worker or counselor in the agency can change at a moments notice, but the worker tends to stay busy (DeGennaro, 2009). In addition to the work with the clients, communities, and office work, the agency has a staff meeting on a weekly basis. The meeting is for staff to get together and talk about the cases they were working on. Once a month all of the OAFS offices (2 offices in Oregon, and 2 offices in Washington) would meet together at the Portland office for the day to discuss more macro issues.

Like any field, there are stressors as an adoption social worker. Adoption is highly stressful in that it is very emotional and very demanding on the social worker (DeGennaro, 2009). Although not true, the social worker may be seen as the person with all the answers or the one who is responsible for a certain outcome. The social worker can become the target for a client’s strong emotions. In addition, adoption work is unpredictable in that the worker often has to work after hours, weekends and sometimes holidays (DeGennaro, 2009).

Ms. DeGennaro would definitely recommend other social workers to work in the field of adoption. She said that working in the adoption field is great work, but is very emotionally taxing. A social worker needs to learn how to leave the work at the office and not bring it home into his or her own lives. A worker who has good boundaries will succeed in this field the longest (DeGennaro, 2009). Ms. DeGennaro also said that a worker who is able to manage highly emotional work in addition to detailed oriented work would be good for the job. On any given day, a worker may have to go to the hospital to facilitate an adoption and then in the afternoon go back to the office and write a court report (DeGennaro, 2009). A worker in this field must feel comfortable sitting with sadness and grief. She often found herself in situations where it was not about what she said, but more about her presences and ability to ‘be’ with a client who is grieving (DeGennaro, 2009).

After doing this interview and seeing how Amy is when I am not sitting in her office, I had a greater respect for who she is and what she does. By having the opportunity to speak to Amy I can see what I am in store for if I choose to go into the adoption world as a social worker after completing my bachelor’s degree and possibly my masters degree. For those of you who have enjoyed this interview and would like to read the rest of my paper or wonder which journal articles I used for my paper, please let me know. I would gladly this information with you.
 

 

Founder's Corner: A little section to help keep you up to date with Coley and Lani as they share their lives, their thoughts, and what they're doing with BirthMom Buds.

Hello Ladies,

I hope that each of you had a great Christmas and holiday season and that you were able to take some much needed time for yourselves!

Back in November I had the pleasure of standing beside Lani as her Maid of Honor and watched as she married Clinton, the man of her dreams. as I stood there watching my best friend and her husband pledge their commitment to each other, I glanced over to where Lani’s birth daughter, Kinsey, was standing in a beautiful cream colored dress proudly holding her flower girl basket and thought to myself that I wouldn’t be standing in that church dolled up in a  beautiful brown dress watching Lani getting married if it were not for Kinsey and Charlie.

Weddings remind me of new beginnings just as this New Year gives us each a new beginning. I love when the calendar roles around to January first. It’s a New Year giving us a fresh and clean slate. I encourage you to take some time and reflect on your life, make some obtainable goals, and enjoy the little things.

Happy New Year!

~ Coley

 

 

Birthday Buds: In this section, we will list birthdays of our members and their birth children, so if you would like to have your birthday or your birth child's birthday mentioned in this section, please email the birth date, your name or your child's name, to Amy by the 25th of the month before your birthday. For example, if your child's birthday is November 21, then you need to email it to Amy by October 21st. (Note: You can click on the names below to email them or send an e-card.)

Destiny's son Dustin will celebrate his 8th birthday on January 11th.
 Alicia's daughter, Brittany, will celebrate her 16th birthday on January 11th.
 Jennifer White celebrates her own birthday on January 15th.
Amy Schumaker's daughter, Kaylee, celebrates her 6th birthday on January 31st.
 


 

                           

Prayers Please: We added this section because so many of you have asked us to remember you or your loved ones in our prayers. We have never wanted to force religion on anyone, so if you don't pray, then skip this section and go on to the next! And if you do pray - add the people listed here to your prayer list. Email Amy with your prayer requests.

 "My husband, Rob, found out that he will not have a teaching job at Iona College after the month of June, due to budget cuts. Please pray that he will find another teaching job at another good school before June and also pray that our house will sell and we will not have to foreclose on the house in June." ~ Amy Schumaker
 

                         

 

Inspiration: Little things to inspire a birthmom from poems, stories, and quotes to encouraging words.

For a New Beginning
 From Jon O'Donohue's To Bless the Space Between Us: A book of Blessings

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

 

 

Newsletter Archives

Email BirthMom Buds

Email Alicia, Newsletter Manager