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BirthMom Buds Bulletin
What's new with BirthMom
Buds: Just a
little note to keep you up to date with all the great things we are doing!
Ideas and Insights: Some ideas for gifts to your birth child or adoptive parents, creative ways to deal with being a birthmom, insight on things to do or say with your buddy, and ways to shed some light about being a birthmom to those who just don't get it.
Remembering the Reason There are many reasons why an expectant mother makes an adoption plan for her baby. At the top of the list is usually the desire for her baby to have a better life than she is able to provide at that time in her life. In the open adoptions of today, the birthmother looks through many profiles to find just the right couple to provide the best life possible for the baby. The adoptive family is chosen, and the birthmother places the care of her little on in the hands of this family. Immediately after placement, amidst the millions of emotions they are experiencing, many birthmothers may wonder if they made the right decision. Was adoption really the best decision? How could it have been if it hurts so badly? Time goes on, and this attitude may stick with the birthmom. Then, the updates aren’t on time. As much as we try not to let it happen, our minds start racing. Why didn’t they send a letter or pictures? How could they be so insensitive? Is my baby ok? Often times, it could just be that life has gotten hectic and busy for the adoptive parents delaying their contact but sometimes, life throws us a curveball: the adoptive parents get a divorce, one of the adoptive parents passes away, or the adoptive parents have or adopt another baby. Contact either stops or slows down immensely. Again, we find ourselves questioning the value of adoption. How could someone voluntarily put themselves through so much pain? As irrational as some of this might seem, it happens. It is very easy to get caught up in everything that goes “wrong” or rather does not go exactly as we planned. It is hard to wake up every morning with a little piece of our hearts missing. Watching as friends and family take their little bundles of joy home or watching little kids play with their parents is like a punch in the stomach. As happy as we are for others there is always that little twinge of jealousy or sadness. There are reminders everywhere of what we are missing out on because we chose to place a child for adoption. Sometimes it feels like adoption has left us with an irreparable sadness. What would happen though, if when we started having those feelings, we thought back to the initial reason for placing a child for adoption? In the midst of the sadness can you remember what that was? It was so that your child would have the best possible life. Yes, it is painful not to be with our children each day, but for many of us this is what we chose. As birthmothers we put our child’s needs before our own. The minute we become mothers, life is no longer about us; it is about our child. By signing our rights away, we agreed to learn to cope with this pain so that our child could be with the family who could offer him or her everything they deserve. It will always hurt, but it doesn’t have to be a curse. We could choose to try and focus on the good of adoption. So how then do we learn to focus on the positive aspects of adoption?
Adoption is not always easy and there will be days that we dislike adoption and don’t want to think of the positives, but when we try to concentrate on the positive aspects of adoption, we are reminded of the real reason we chose to place, and how blessed we are to have found such amazing parents for our children.
Adoption Spotlight: Focusing on any adoption or women's issues related web site, organization, individual, or issue.
“The Tummy Mummy” Book Review
I searched and searched and finally an adoptive mother recommended the book, The Tummy Mummy by Michelle Madrid-Branch. After reading reviews online, I ordered it and prayed that it would be age appropriate and “fit” our family as much as it could since I could not read it before I ordered. Thankfully, it suited my requirements and I was excited to give it to Kaylee. The Tummy Mummy narrates adoption from the birthmother’s perspective, which I loved. It talks about a woman who loved her baby very much but knew she could not take care of it and then talks about a couple who had lots of love and all the baby things, but did not have a baby. Therefore it shows that all around there is love for the child even before she was born. My favorite part is how the wise owl in the book guides the Tummy Mummy across the lake and leads her to the family. This to me was especially important because in my adoption, my “wise owl” was God and He certainly led me to Kaylee’s family. For another person, that wise owl could symbolize someone else in the adoption story (a counselor, social worker, a friend, etc). In the end, the message of love from all sides is well known, even from the birthmother afar. I loved that message: that even though I am not with her all the time I still love her. While no book is going to perfectly match each of our adoption stories, this book of all the ones I’ve fit our story and the message I wanted to convey the most, even including a “God” figure. If this one does not fit your story? There are more out there, just keep looking! Or, you can make your own. Also, remember to ask your child’s adoptive parents if they are okay with you giving an adoption related and see what they might already have on their bookshelf!
Buddy of the Month: All of you are appreciated, but each month we will spotlight a different involved member. You can also nominate fellow BirthMom Buds who you think deserve to be buddy of the month. For more info or to nominate a friend, visit the Buddy of the Month Page. Anomar (known as DJ to most people) is June’s buddy of the month. Anomar is a 23 year old California girl having been born and raised there.
Anomar states her favorite color is clear: “I say clear because I really don't have a favorite color, and clear, by definition shows all the colors behind it!” Anomar’s favorite quote is "There is no such thing as a boring life. Everyone has a story involving drama, comedy, and tragedy." by Mark Twain. That quote serves as a reminder and reassurance to her that everyone has a past and she isn’t the only one in life that has had difficulties and obstacles. Anomar made an adoption plan for her daughter Skye last year when she bcame unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 21. Anomar chose her daughter’s adoptive parents from an online profile. “I'm not one that really believes in a predetermined fate, per say, but I had a strong feeling when I scrolled over the link to their profile. Just the link. I tried to keep exploring options to be fair to all the couples who had profiles, but I knew from the start that they were her family.” Anomar has a semi open adoption. Anomar joined BirthMom Buds while she was pregnant and has now become and since her daughter’s birth has become an active member supporting others in the forums. Since becoming a birthmother, Anomar feels that her perspective on her role in the world has changed. “I had always struggled with self image issues and depression. I don't mean this to sound as if having a child could be a cure-all for these, but the birth of my daughter put everything in to perspective for me. I don't have these issues to such an extremity any longer because I know for a fact how much I was loved by my parents now. I can see in my reflection now what my mother saw in her daughter.” Thanks Anomar for sharing a bit of your heart with us!
Birthday Buds: In this section, we will list birthdays of our members and their birth children, so if you would like to have your birthday or your birth child's birthday mentioned in this section, please email the birth date, your name or your child's name, to Amy by the 25th of the month before your birthday. For example, if your child's birthday is November 21, then you need to email it to Amy by October 21st. (Note: You can click on the names below to email them or send an e-card.)
Lani celebrates her
birthday on July 4th.
Prayers Please: We added this section because so many of you have asked us to remember you or your loved ones in our prayers. We have never wanted to force religion on anyone, so if you don't pray, then skip this section and go on to the next! And if you do pray - add the people listed here to your prayer list. Email Amy with your prayer requests.|
"Please pray for my employment. Also, my oldest daughter is going to be
traveling with my parents to Uganda with my for five and a half week. Please pray for
their safe travels." ~
Kristi R.
Inspiration:
Little things to
inspire a birthmom from poems, stories, and quotes to encouraging words. “My Special
Lady”
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For
Kaylee’s 4th birthday last year, I was trying to come up with
the perfect gift as usual. In
Anomar
is currently in college and is leaning towards a career in biological
anthropology, maybe forensics. She loves to crochet accessories and
toys. She’s also an avid reader but is picky with the books she chooses
to read.