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BirthMom Buds Bulletin
What's new with BirthMom
Buds: Just a
little note to keep you up to date with all the great things we are doing!
Adoption Spotlight: Focusing on any adoption or women's issues related web site, organization, individual, or issue. Spotlight on BirthMom
Buds Birthmothers Day Event
BirthMom Buds held their first celebration in May 2005 and I was fortunate enough to be in attendance. It was a small gathering with fellow birthmothers. I had no idea what to expect. Coley happened to be my mentor during my pregnancy so of course I was excited to meet her for the first time but I had never really talked to other birthmothers. I was curious about their stories and experiences and the emotions they encounter. Did they feel the same way I did?
The answer is
YES. All of our experiences are different however our common bond is
being a birthmother and choosing life for our children and that common
bond was evident as I talked with other birthmothers in attendance at
BirthMom Buds very first Birthmother’s Day event.
Coley is one of the most creative people I have ever met and have the privilege of knowing. Each year she, along with a few others, she pours her heart and soul into the planning of the event by choosing a fun theme and meaningful other elements to the day. The theme each year is carried out throughout the day from the gift bags to the table arrangements and craft projects. The theme for 2005 was “Luau for Life” and a Hawaiian luau theme was carried throughout the day complete with leis for each birthmother as she arrived. In 2006, the theme was “Pampered Princess “featuring elegant decorations. Each birthmother donned a sparkly tiara.
If you can make it to Charlotte, NC the 1st weekend in May for the BirthMom Buds Birthmother’s Day Celebration I HIGHLY recommend it. Whether you are a car ride or plane ride away, EVERYONE is welcome. Since a number of out of town people have indicated that they want to try and come this year, we have put together a weekend full of fun for anyone who wishes to come.
Friday, May 1, 2009 ~ BirthMom Buds and Friends Dinner
If you need more
information or assistance with travel arrangements please contact Melanie
at (704) 718-3723 or
mmosberg@carolina.rr.com.
We have special room rates at the hotel.
Ideas and Insights: Some ideas for gifts to your birth child or adoptive parents, creative ways to deal with being a birthmom, insight on things to do or say with your buddy, and ways to shed some light about being a birthmom to those who just don't get it.
Journaling Prompts for Birthmoms If you’ve been reading this newsletter long, then you’ve read articles about journaling before. Many birthmoms have found journaling to be helpful and healing in their journey through birthmother grief, especially newer birthmoms who are overwhelmed with the many complex feelings they may be experiencing as a new birthmother. A few things to keep in mind about journaling:
Want to write but have no clue what to write about?? Below are some journaling prompts to get you started.
Now, go write! J
Pregnant & Placing: A new section for expectant moms who are making adoption plans to provide them with resources, articles, and other insight from those who have “been there, done that.”
The Other Big Decision I’m still young, but I’m convinced that deciding to place your child with an adoptive family is the single biggest decision that any of us will ever make. The decision is stressful and comforting, heart wrenching and heart warming; it is for the best, but hurts the worst. Once the decision is made, the next decision is what type of adoption plan you want: closed, semi-open, or open. Because this is such a big decision, it is important to look at all of the options so when the choice is made, it is the right fit for everyone involved. There are benefits and disadvantages to each of the three choices. I asked birthmoms who have placed their child about what contributed to their choice of adoption, and what they like and dislike about their choice.
Closed Adoption Some think that a benefit of closed adoption is the ability to start moving on with one’s life more quickly. Obviously the women who choose closed adoptions mourn the loss of their child, always wonder and worry about how their child is doing, and hope for the day when they will get to see their child. The pain never fully goes away, but because they do not have the luxury of getting pictures and updates, their lives do not revolve around waiting for the day that an update arrives. Closed adoption does have its drawbacks. In this situation the birthmom may not know where her child is, what the adoptive parents are like, if the child is happy and healthy, or if the child even knows that he is adopted. This adoption plan comes with the most uncertainties. Another concern for women who choose closed adoption is what their child will think about her. Will the child feel as though his birthmom did not love him enough so she just gave him away? These questions often haunt the birthmom and all she can do is pray for the health and safety of her child, and pray for the day when they will be together again.
Semi-Open Adoption The ladies with whom I talked cited many different reasons for choosing a semi-open adoption plan: some just didn’t know about the option to have a fully open adoption, others wanted to know their child’s parents, but did not think that they could handle visits, still another cited different life circumstances that indicated this was the best plan for her. It seems to be the consensus that, for the most part, birthmothers in semi-open adoptions felt as though they were able to “move on” faster. This is because they are able to get updates and pictures, but there is no waiting to see the child in a week, or a month or a year. Reuniting once the child is old enough is a possibility, but the birthmom is not planning her life around the monthly or yearly visits. At the same time, birthmoms in semi-open adoptions may still get pictures often and get updated on all of the milestones in their child’s life. In some cases birthmoms are also allowed to write letters to their child. This allows the birthmom to still feel connected to her child, see how happy her child is with his adoptive family, and be reassured that she made the right choice in placing her child. One of the biggest drawbacks that the ladies with semi-open adoptions talked about was the fact that the adoptive families aren’t legally required to continue contact with the birthmoms. There are situations when contact stops with no explanation. This is a very hurtful but very real possibility. Some adoptive families are great about contact, others are not. That is just the reality of adoption. Another drawback is not getting to physically see and interact with your child.
Open
Adoption Despite all of this, there are parts of open adoptions that are very difficult. Almost all of the birthmoms that I questioned, regardless of the type of adoption plan they made, referred to how hard it would be to watch another woman parent her child. Hearing your child call another woman mom, watching your child run to someone else when she’s hurt, and knowing you’ll never be that person to your child is very difficult.
Birthmoms in open adoptions often have a more difficult time with the
grieving process and moving on. This is because while the birthmom is not
parenting her child, the child is still a very big part of her life.
Visits can be very emotional and bittersweet. One of the biggest reasons
for this is because a birthmom in open adoption is not only asked to leave
her child with the adoptive parents once (like those birthmoms in closed
and semi-open adoptions do when leaving the hospital after the birth), but
time after time at the end of each visit. It must also be emphasized again
that, like in semi-open adoptions, the adoptive parents are not legally
obligated to allow the birthmom to see her child, or even to give the
birthmom updates on their child. Just like all other adoption plans, the
birthmom does not have any legal rights to her child. This is another
thing to keep in mind when making an adoption plan.
Prayers Please: We added this section because so many of you have asked us to remember you or
your loved ones in our prayers. We have never wanted to force religion on
anyone, so if you don't pray, then skip this section and go on to the next! And
if you do pray - add the people listed here to your prayer list.
Email Amy
with your prayer requests.
Birthday Buds: In this section, we will list birthdays of our members and their birth children, so if you would like to have your birthday or your birth child's birthday mentioned in this section, please email the birth date, your name or your child's name, to Amy by the 25th of the month before your birthday. For example, if your child's birthday is November 21, then you need to email it to Amy by October 21st. (Note: You can click on the names below to email them or send an e-card.)
Debbie's son Jonathan celebrates his
40th birthday on March 18th.
Founder's Corner:
A little
section to help keep you up to date with Coley and Lani as they share their
lives, their thoughts, and what they're doing with BirthMom Buds.
Inspiration: Little things to inspire a birthmom from poems, stories, and quotes to encouraging words.
For My Daughter
Not with me
What I wouldn’t give
You’re with the ones
I am reminded
I long for that day
Yet your Spirit
Newsletter Archives
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Birthmom Buds 5th annual Birthmother’s Day Celebration is around the
corner. On Saturday, May 2, 2009 in Charlotte, NC, birthmothers will have a day
of remembrance, fun and fellowship with other birthmothers.
In 2007, we
celebrated Hollywood style with the theme “You’re a Star” complete with a
red carpet. And in 2008, we got tropical with a “Birthmother’s Beach Bash”
and each birthmother took home a tiny little beach pail that had sea
shells and sand in it. I think you will love this year's theme!
The first two
years, the Birthmother’s Day Celebrations were held in Greenville, South
Carolina. In 2007, I took on the task of event coordinator handling the
logistics and we moved our celebration to bigger venues in Charlotte, North
Carolina. The first event started out small and each year seems to get
bigger and better.