BirthMom Buds Bulletin
November 2008

“Nothing purchased can come close to the renewed sense of gratitude
for having family and friends.”
~ Courtland Milloy

What's new with BirthMom Buds: Just a little note to keep you up to date with all the great things we are doing!

Newsletter Writers Needed ~ Do you enjoy reading the BirthMom Buds Bulletin? Help ensure that great newsletters still arrive in your inbox monthly by volunteering to write an article. Not a professional writer? No problem, we will help you! Check out the newsletters ideas page or email the newsletter manager Alicia for more information!
Need Support? ~ With the holidays right around the corner, you may find yourself needing extra support. Don't hesitate to email us at BirthMom Buds if you need to talk. Our forums are also a great place to connect with other birthmoms and receive support. (You must register for the forums by creating a user name and password and you must be a birthmother or pregnant and considering adoption in order to join the forums.)

Ideas and Insights: Some ideas for gifts to your birth child or adoptive parents, creative ways to deal with being a birthmom, insight on things to do or say with your buddy, and ways to shed some light about being a birthmom to those who just don't get it. 

Finding Your “New Normal”
by Brie M

Giving birth is an amazing thing. I think that all mothers can attest to that. There are many people who have no idea the magnitude to which giving birth can change one’s entire life. A lot of these people are our close friends and peers. Most teenagers have not even seriously thought about having a baby. There are way too many parties, tests, and boyfriends to worry about to be thinking about babies. We are not most teenagers though. Many of us did give birth when we were quite young and because of this we find it hard to relate to those around us. On top of that, most young women who have a child do not chose adoption for that baby. Again, no matter our age, that sets us even further apart from those around us. All of this can be very isolating and lonely. How can a birthmom transition back into the “real world” and back to interacting with those around us?

I had my daughter, Annika, the week before my second year of college. I was determined to get back into the college life and back to being a “normal” college student. I had it in my mind that if I just did not talk about Annika or my experience that I could pick my life up where I left off before I got pregnant. As one can imagine, this did not quite work out. I would be with friends and could not get her off of my mind. I would try to have fun and end up feeling miserable. I did not get very close to any one because I would not allow myself to share that big part of my life with them.

Frustrated that my life was not instantly back to normal, I sought the advice of another birthmom. “When will my life go back to normal?!” I asked. Her advice has helped me thus far and continues to help me in my day-to-day life. She explained to me that this was my new normal. I had a little girl in my life now that I loved more than life itself. She told me that the world would never be the same because it had a special new addition to it, so how were things supposed to be the same in my life? Yes, I was still a college student, but I wasn’t just a college student anymore. I was a college student who had placed her child with an adoptive family. I did not like that answer at the time. I wanted my old normal back.

Gradually this advice began to make more sense. The more I tried to fit back in to what I considered my “old normal” to be, the more isolated and lonely I felt. I realized that it was impossible to return to my old life. That left me with two options: continue trying to fit a circle into a square which was what I was essentially doing, or accept my “new normal” and allow myself to be comfortable with who I had become.

I was miserable with how things were going, so I decided to give this concept of a “new normal” a try. If I was thinking about Annika, I told people that. I brought pictures places and showed them off to my friends. Slowly, I came to see that this is how my life will be. This new normal was not something to be afraid of, it just was. Once I was able to embrace my new normal, I was able to feel more like those around me. Everyone has their unique stories and experiences; this was mine.

Transitioning to this “new normal” is not an easy thing to do, but doing it has been very rewarding. Here are some things to keep in mind while trying to find your new normal:

1.     Let yourself think about your child. All moms think about their children. I’ve found when I try not to let myself think about my daughter I only think about her more.

2.    Share a little bit about your child with those whom you feel comfortable doing so. Your child is a big part of your life it is ok to let other people know that.

3.    Do not feel bad when you are having a good time and not thinking about your child. Especially in the beginning it can make you feel like a bad mom if you are not thinking about your child. It does not make you a bad mom; it means that you are adjusting to your new normal!

4.    Do not worry about those who do not understand your choice or your feelings. You do not need their approval. This is who you are others can take it or leave it. If people cannot accept the journey that you have been on, chances are you do not need them in your life.

5.    For those in open adoptions, decide how often you would like to have visits. It is hard not to want to visit every day possible, but you need to remember that part of your new normal will be integrating your child into your life. You cannot spend your life trying to integrate yourself into your child’s life. Open adoption creates the opportunity for you to be in your child’s life and still have your own life. Do not feel bad if, as time goes on, you feel as though you do not want as many visits. This is normal!

 Many of us placed our children in an era that has moved past the “place your child and forget this ever happened” philosophy. Understanding this; each birth mom must decide what her new normal will be. This new normal can really be much better than the old normal. We approach this new normal as women who have seen an angel in our child’s face and have survived one of the toughest moments in our lives. We owe it to ourselves to establish this new normal and enjoy it to its fullest potential!

Adoption Spotlight: Focusing on any adoption or women's issues related web site, organization,  individual, or issue.

Talking with the writer of Thank You Mother
(Songwriter Scott Swanson)
Interview conducted by Alicia Moser

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Scott Swanson. Scott is an amazing and gifted song writer and singer. One of the songs he wrote is called Thank You Mother, which is a beautiful tribute to his birth mother that he never got to meet because she passed away while he was searching for her.

Scott began searching for his biological mother in the spring of 1995 and searched for his biological mother/family for thirteen years. He started out by searching alumni databases, yearbooks, and California birth and marriage records. He also looked on MySpace, Face Book, adoption.com, genealogy.com, and searched hospital records. He made a lot of cold calls and eventually found out that his birth mother changed her last name after she placed him for adoption from Greene to McDevitt.

He then employed two no find/no fee searchers but both just led to dead ends. He could not get his records because California law protects the identities of birth parents unless a ‘consent for contact’ document is filed through the adoption agency, which in his case, was L.A. county. His adoptive parents moved to Orange County, California before his adoption was finalized and they filed the adoption paperwork there. He was adopted through the Los Angeles County Social Services. He got some of his paperwork there, but most of his original records are under lock and key in Los Angeles and will stay that way. In 2005, he requested his non-identifying information and in August of 2005, he got how old his birthmother was, when she was born, a physical description of his birth mother, some miscellaneous facts, and a heartbreaking interview with a social worker.

The non-identifying information he got said his birth mother was born in Canada which really put a damper on his search. She was actually born in Vancouver, Washington which cost him a lot of time in his search. He looked through a lot of Greene’s everywhere. In January of 2008, he hired a private investigator. Los Angeles County gave his birth mother’s name. Shortly after he got her name, he found out that his biological mother passed away on January 3, 1995. He felt a cold and chilly feeling and felt so empty.

He quickly regrouped and kept searching. He first made contact with his paternal side, then his maternal side, and then found his biological brother. All of this happened in a matter of a few days. One of the first things his brother told him was “Mom said you would come find us when you were ready.”  Scott never got to meet her but he has talked to family and found out through some records a lot about his birth mother and she sounds like she was an amazing lady.

Scott does have a relationship with some of his biological family, mainly his biological brother. He says his relationship with his biological brother is amazing. After they met, they drove to where his brother and mom used to live. Scott says it was like they were raised together, it was so natural. The first time they visited, they watched movies and did not talk much. Scott and his biological brother are a lot alike; they have similar mannerisms, they both have two sons, they both married women with families that are alike, they both have similar careers, and they look a lot alike. His biological brother has a learning disability and one of Scott’s sons has a similar learning disability. Scott was born on Easter and his brother was born the day after Easter. Scott said his biological brother and mother celebrated Scott’s birthday, which showed Scott that he was already remembered by them.

Scott has also has found three of his biological uncles and talked to all of them. One of them was really close to Scott’s biological mother and told Scott all about her.

As I mentioned, Scott is a gifted singer and songwriter. He is always writing songs and tries to write one every day.  Scott woke up one day in January or February of 1995 and wrote the song Thank You Mother for his birthmother. He says that something inside him felt that she died but that he knew he could search for her. Scott finds it rewarding that his song helps people and people feel a connection to him through his music.

Scott plays the guitar and sings in his band, Motionside.  They are in the process of finishing their second CD. Most musicians would say that they have musical influences but Scott is not most musicians though. He likes all music and has played professionally for fifteen years. Though he does not have any musical influences, he grew up listening to Fleetwood Mac, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Steve Miller Band, and Bob Marley.  He still tried to remain uninfluenced so he could develop his own unique style.

The song Thank You Mother pretty much sums up how Scott feels about birthmothers in general. Thanking his birth mother was important to him. He thinks it is incredible that a lady would follow through with pregnancy with all of the options available today. He knows that birth mothers are in a tough position and feels sympathy for them because he knows a lot are waiting for reunion or to hear from their birth child.

I truly enjoyed interviewing Scott and learning about a piece of his life and how he came to write and sing Thank You Mother, a song of gratitude and love for the woman that gave him life and a song that birth mothers like me love and like to listen to. I appreciate Scott taking the time to talk with me and for writing the beautiful song. I think the best way to end this article is by sharing Scott’s beautiful song with all of you.

Thank You Mother
© 1995 E. Scott Swanson

As an unborn child
I learned a valuable lesson about love
By virtue of my life
I was rescued from the hands of death
By a woman I have never known
And I thank you Mother
Couldn’t be less perfect
Illegitimate child
Of a sixteen year old
Adopted into respectability by two loving pairs of hands that gave me a home
And loved me
And I thank you Mother
You give me my chance in life
Lord, I thank you Mother on high
You give me my chance in life
You give me my chance in life
You give me my chance…

You have saved my life
When I couldn’t reach out
And when I could scream out for my chance in the world
I want to see the world
Please let me see the world

So you turned forty this year
I can’t find you anywhere
But I hope you’re doing fine
I think about you all the time
I don’t have a picture
I don’t know your name
But I know you loved me Momma
And I love you all the same
I go to the University
And I, I do alright
I make good grades
Play my guitar about every night
But as an unborn child
I learned a valuable lesson about love
By virtue of my life

You can listen to Thank You Mother on Scott’s My Space Page.

Buddy of the Month: All of you are appreciated, but each month we will spotlight a different involved member. You can also nominate fellow BirthMom Buds who you think deserve to be buddy of the month. For more info or to nominate a friend, visit the Buddy of the Month Page.

November’s Buddy of the Month is Brianne M., better known to most of us as Brie. Brie is the birthmom to Annika Brianne who celebrated her first birthday in August of this year. Brie has an open adoption with Annika and her adoptive family. Although, they live eight hours apart they try to visit one another every two months or so and keep in touch via email in between visits.

Brie occasionally writes for the BirthMom Buds newsletter, is a moderator in the forums, and has just become a mentor. Brie says that BirthMom Buds and the women in the forums mean the world to her. “I was at such a low point in my life when I came here that I was fairly certain I was never going to be happy again and was quite possibly going crazy. Just the sense of normalization that I found in getting to know the other birthmoms has been incredible.”

Brie is twenty years old and lives in North Dakota. She’s currently in college and will graduate in May with a degree in psychology. After that Brie plans to pursue a doctorate degree in clinical psychology. She often thinks that all she has experienced was in preparation to help others in her role as a psychologist. Specializing in adoption counseling is something Brie is seriously considering. Brie baby sits regularly for two little girls. They keep her very busy but never fail to put a smile on her face! When she’s not studying, Brie enjoys playing Bingo and jokes that it makes her sound like an old lady instead of a college student! She has yet to win but is determined to keep playing until she does. She also likes to read, write, and as of lately exercise.

Brie’s role model is her Mom. “As cheesy as it sounds, my role model is my mom. She drives me crazy sometimes and worries entirely too much, but I know that I am becoming more and more like her everyday. She is the most faithful and caring person I know. She has gone through so much physically and emotionally, yet there has never been a day in my life where she hasn’t put the needs of her husband and 3 kids ahead of her own needs. I hope to be a mom just like her someday.”

According to Brie, three words used to describe her would be compassionate, contemplative and loyal. Although most would not guess this, she is a very quiet person who often keeps to herself, but cares deeply for those in her life. The one food Brie could not live with out or give up would be chocolate (she’s tried)! If Brie’s life were made into a TV movie, she says it would be titled “Not My Plan, but His” because she realizes a little more everyday that as long as she allows Him to guide her life, everything will turn out beautifully.

Thank you Brie for all you do for BirthMom Buds!

Pregnant & Placing: A new section for expectant moms who are making adoption plans to provide them with resources, articles, and other insight from those who have “been there, done that.”

Take your Time
by Coley Strickland

The decision of whether or not you should make an adoption plan for your unborn baby is not one that should be rushed into. It is a decision that takes a lot of thought, contemplation, and soul searching.

I think often times expectant mothers may feel rushed into making a decision. Your impending due date may feel more like an alarm clock  and you may feel like you have to have a decision made, a family chosen, and everything ready before that due date comes. I felt the same exact way during my pregnancy. I’m a planner by nature, so I needed everything mapped out, planned out, and figured out long before my due date in order to feel ok (or as ok as you can about making an adoption plan) about things. I also wanted to choose my baby’s adoptive parents as soon as I could so that I could begin to get to know them better.

But, don’t let that impending due date rush you into making a decision about whether or not you should parent or make an adoption plan or rush you into choosing a family for your baby.  Don’t settle. Even if your due date is very close, if you haven’t found a family that meets what you are looking for, keep looking.

If your baby is born and everything is not planned and you are moving forward with an adoption plan, it can still be done! Take your time!

Birthday Buds: In this section, we will list birthdays of our members and their birth children, so if you would like to have your birthday or your birth child's birthday mentioned in this section, please email the birth date, your name or your child's name, to Amy by the 25th of the month before your birthday. For example, if your child's birthday is November 21, then you need to email it to Amy by October 21st. (Note: You can click on the names below to email them or send an e-card.)

Tamra Thomas's daughter, Autumn, will celebrate her 10th birthday on November 16th.

Prayers Please: We added this section because so many of you have asked us to remember you or your loved ones in our prayers. We have never wanted to force religion on anyone, so if you don't pray, then skip this section and go on to the next! And if you do pray - add the people listed here to your prayer list. Email Amy with your prayer requests.

"Thank you for all the prayers for my brother in law who was in Iraq. He ended up coming home two weeks earlier than scheduled!" ~ Amy S.

Founder's Corner: A little section to help keep you up to date with Coley and Lani as they share their lives, their thoughts, and what they're doing with BirthMom Buds.

Finally!! Autumn is in the air! Can you feel it in your neck of the woods yet? I know some of our northern sisters have already had snow but we've just begun to have cold nights here in my part of the south.

I just love this time of year – it’s full of change. Life changes from the lazy days of summer to the shorter, busier days of autumn. The air changes and has a crispness and cleanliness that it didn’t have before. The days and time change from daylight savings time to standard time and the days seem shorter.  We change wardrobes from t-shirts, capris, and flip flops to sweaters, jeans, and boots. And of course, the leaves – we can’t forget about the changing of the leaves, which has now become one of my favorite parts of autumn and one of the most noticeable and colorful changes. The leaves turn from their summer colors of Kelly green to vibrant, rich colors; warm tones of burgundy, gold, and orange.

All the changes that come with autumn can parallel some of the changes you are experiencing in life adoption wise. Perhaps your child has moved or you are feeling different about things than you once were. Just as nature is always changing, our thoughts, feelings, and circumstances around adoption are ever changing too.

Change can be scary sometimes, especially for control freaks like me! Here are a few tips to remember when dealing with change:

	Keep consistency in the other areas of your life.
	Acknowledge and accept the changes as best you can.
	Face change head on - know that things are always going to change and be prepared to deal with it.
	Try to stay in a routine in the other areas of your life.
	Stay focused on yourself as a person and not on all the changes.

As you slowly deal with the changes in your life, go outdoors and embrace the changes of autumn – enjoy the beautiful, colorful leaves and inhale the crisp clean air!

Happy Fall!!

Hugs,

Coley

Inspiration: Little things to inspire a birthmom from poems, stories, and quotes to encouraging words.

Untitled
By Katey R.

How do I know
That my choice is right?

The confusion I feel
I just can't fight.

Broken and sad
At least I see
You need what is best
I can't focus on me.

A hard decision
The best I can do
I hope one day
You will understand too.

The pain I will feel
Will be hard to face
But I am doing what's best
You will have your place.

If you ever feel
So far apart
Know you will always
Be in my heart.

I hope you will see
My love for you
It will keep on forever
It will never be through.

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The articles in each BirthMom Buds Bulletin are the views of the individual authors and are not necessarily the views of the founders and staff at BirthMom Buds.

All articles are copyrighted to BirthMom Buds. If you wish to re-publish any of the articles or poems featured in our newsletters, we typically do not mind, but please email us for permission first.