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BirthMom Buds Bulletin
October 2008
"Everyone should take time to sit and watch the
leaves fall."
~ Elizabeth Lawrence
What's new with BirthMom
Buds: Just a
little note to keep you up to date with all the great things we are doing!
Newsletter Writers Needed ~ Do you enjoy reading the BirthMom Buds
Bulletin? Help ensure that great newsletters still arrive in your inbox
monthly by volunteering to write an article. Not a professional writer? No
problem, we will help you! Check out the newsletters ideas page or email
the newsletter manager Alicia for more information!
The Forums ~ We have a great time supporting one another on our
birthmoms only forums. (Pregnant women considering adoption are welcome
too.) Come
check out the forums!
Ideas and Insights:
Some
ideas for gifts to your birth child or adoptive parents, creative ways to deal
with being a birthmom, insight on things to do or say with your buddy, and ways
to shed some light about being a birthmom to those who just don't get it.
Elections and Birthmothers
by Amanda Barnes
I love election time! As we saw through the major party conventions,
everyone’s got a story to tell. Minorities, women, war heroes,
single parents, and soldiers: all profiled through the Hollywood
biographies and super-scripted speeches. Everyone wants world peace,
a booming economy, affordable living, and a chance at the American
pie. I do.
What the
minorities, women, war heroes, single parents, and soldiers are
getting is recognition for their sacrifices, coverage of their
stories, and loving support to achieve and conquer. Do these sound
like things you want as a birthmother? Of course, we never belittle
the achievements of others. After all, I’ve been the racial
minority, I am a woman, my parents are veterans, a single mother
raised me, and my baby brother is a Marine. They are all esteemed
and honorable things to be, and all well deserving of such
recognition, public interest, and support.
Recognition, interest, and support are three things that we can give
to birthmothers, each other, and our own BirthMom Buds community. We
ought to recognize that we are not alone, and that we have thousands
of sisters who can’t find us. Recognize that, as a birthmother, you
have given a gift that is worthy of acknowledgement.
Interest is perhaps the greatest
gift that this country could give to birthmothers. Pay attention to
us! We have proven, simply by being here and reading this, that our
sacrifices are important to us. We are women who have made
sacrifices, to pick ourselves up, and lift our children even higher.
Our demographic is increasingly comprised of college students, and
those seeking other higher education. We want to make our families,
communities, and country a better place for our children. We need
emotional and psychological treatment just as much as we needed
prenatal care. So, give it to us! Help us get money for college!
Mandate paid counseling for all birthmothers! Give every birthmother
the opportunity to turn sacrifice into success. We deserve it! Our
government must come down hard on any incident of adoption fraud,
and harshly prosecute those who would push, force, or otherwise
coerce a woman to relinquish a child unwillingly. We cannot tolerate
any injustice. We will demand the best for mothers everywhere.
Support
is something I have never lacked here at BirthMom Buds. You can tell
these girls that you’re getting ready for your annual flu shot and
within minutes you’ll get some love. “Just close your eyes!” and “Oh
girl, I got a flu shot once and let me tell you…” You can always
find an encouraging word. Support should go beyond our online
community, and into our families and social networks. BirthMom Buds
shows this to new birthmothers through the Care Package Ministry,
online interactions, and mentorship opportunities. Support can go
way beyond donations and volunteering. Speak out for birthmothers,
and adoption as an institution of love. Write a thank you card to
someone that helped you during your crisis pregnancy. Share your
story. Ask for love and help when you need it. Give of your time and
talent to lift others up. Allow others to help you.
The greatest gift I ever received
was the push I needed to turn struggle into triumph. When I feel
lazy, slow, or tired, my son is my strength. As I cross bridges
throughout my life, and taste sweet success, I know that my
sacrifices are worth everything. I know that my son and his parents
are proud of me. My family is proud of me. Even I’m proud of me.
Eleanor
Roosevelt gave us a thousand great quotes for inspiration. I picked
the following especially for all of the new birthmothers reading
here today.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience
in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to
say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the
next thing that comes along."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
What can
you do to promote change and awareness?
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Write
to your Senators and Representatives. It really does make an
impact! Every letter they receive from a constituent is equal to
1,500 voices from the community.
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Vote!
Take someone with you to vote.
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Figure
out which candidate defends your feelings on family and domestic
law. Perhaps you will remember the candidates who answered your
letters, and wanted to help.
-
Fight
for what’s right, and be an example of justice and balance. Hold
yourself to a higher standard of citizenship, both of your
community and your country.
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Think
about what changes you would make. Where did the law hurt you or
hold you back? What should you have been given, whether tangible,
medicinal, or emotionally? Do you agree with the process of the
private adoption law? What needs to go? Who needs to change it?
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Both
major Presidential candidates have volunteer opportunities listed
on their websites. Give your time or talent to support your cause.
Tell them why you’re supporting them. Don’t let them forget you
down the road.
-
Donate
your time or money in the name of birthmothers or your specific
adoption group.
Here
are some things that I will be addressing with my Congressmen:
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Women
need counseling, performed by a trained therapist or Social
Worker, with training or experience in adoption. It needs to be at
the expense of the adoptive parents or adoption agency, and
guaranteed available, even if the woman does not initially want to
participate.
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Social
workers and Hospital employees need to be trained, specifically,
in the skill of treating a birthmother, during and after delivery.
Too often, these professionals can cause unintended emotional
damage to a birthmother. They need to be trained in “What not to
say.” It should be included in diversity and harassment training.
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Make
it discriminatory and illegal to physically tag a baby, or his
crib, as “being adopted” while in the hospital nursery. It is
nobody’s business except the family, the mother, and those who
have access to the chart with that information.
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Adoptive parents choosing to enter an open adoption relationship
should be mandated to undergo sensitivity training, in order to
understand the relationship they are undertaking. Too many
relationships fail to be mutually rewarding, as a direct result of
ignorance. They should be fully educated and committed to the
success of their family, including the birthmother.
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In
order to make real change, most of our states still need to
recognize a legal difference between open and closed adoption.
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Many
birthmothers feel that the update schedule should be a legally
enforced issue, when it becomes a problem. Today, in this country,
adoptive parents can promise an open adoption, and disappear,
completely legally. It’s not the norm, but it’s cruel and
deceiving, and produces a victim. If parents want a closed
adoption, they should seek out a birthmother who also wants that
relationship.
These
are only a few of the many issues that could be brought to our
Leaders’ attention. There are many important issues that continue
to be unaddressed by our Congressmen and it is useful to write and
express your views on all issues. The abobe suggested issues may or
may not be things that you believe in, but the point is, find what
you believe in, what you think needs to be changed, and fight for
it. It is the hope of many birthmothers throughout the country and
throughout the world, that society learns more about adoption and
the steps that we believe should be taken to protect all the parties
involved. If this is an issue that you feel strongly about, I would
challenge you to take it upon yourself to join the many people who
will write and express their opinions and beliefs in this matter.
Adoption Spotlight:
Focusing on any
adoption or women's issues related web site, organization, individual, or
issue.
Interview with Patricia
Dischler: Birthmom and Author
Conducted by Coley Strickland
I recently
had the pleasure to interview Patricia Dischler. She is a
birthmother and also an author. She wrote a book based on her
adoption experiences called
Because I
Loved You. While open adoptions are becoming more common
nowadays, when Patricia placed her son in a semi open adoption that
turned open 23 years ago, open adoption was not common at all.
Having lived in an open adoption for the past 23 years, Patricia has
some great advice and experience to share with those who may be in
an open adoption or considering an open adoption.
Q: Please explain about your circumstances at the time of pregnancy
that led to you choosing adoption.
A: My
first instinct was to choose to parent. However, during the
pregnancy the father left town, then my business partner (I co-owned
a printing company) took money from the company and was about to
skip town when I caught him. We ended up closing the company and
going into a nasty legal battle. I not only had lost my job, I
couldn’t get another because of the legal mess and not having the
father of the baby there was huge for me. I had a very close
relationship with my father and didn’t want my child to loose that
aspect in their life. All this put together lead me to see that my
life did not support raising a child at that time in a way that I
felt my child deserved, so I chose adoption. I do have to note
though, that I would not have chosen adoption if I could not have
had it open, saying goodbye to my child without the hope of every
knowing he was happy and loved in his new family was too difficult
to consider. When the counselor told me I could stay in contact with
the adoptive family that was when I made my decision.
Q: I know
your adoption started out as semi open, but how did it evolve into a
fully open adoption?
A: Yes,
in the beginning our adoption was “semi-open.” We exchanged letters
and pictures each year on his birthday. His adoptive parents sent
letters and lots of pictures the first time when he was about six
months old because I had asked if they would, then it was on his
birthday once each year. When he was 12 he asked to meet me face to
face. By then his parents and I had built a respectful and trusting
relationship through our long letters and we all agreed. Since that
meeting, we have all wished we had done it sooner! We simply fit
together as a family and have been seeing each other often since
then.
Q: What
did others (family, friends, and society) say about your adoption
being open?
A: I
had some extended family that thought I should “put it behind” me,
but as I talked with them about how it worked their understanding
grew. My close family and friends thought it was wonderful. He was
still a member of our family and someone they loved, so getting to
hear how he was doing meant a lot to everyone, not just me.
Q: How did
the adoption being open affect you? Affect your son?
A: For
me, it was what got me through such a difficult decision. It allowed
me to see that I had made the right choice; my son had a wonderful,
loving family that cared deeply for him and took care of all his
needs. The more letters and pictures I received where I saw this,
the easier it was to put my grief behind me. And of course, having
the opportunity to see him again and build a relationship with him
was amazing and something I am very thankful for. For my son, it
allowed him to really find out who he was. When we got to meet again
he met my entire family and very quickly saw where many of his
traits and talents came from. He about burst with excitement when my
Dad pulled out a dulcimer to play him something – Joe ran to the car
and grabbed his guitar so he could join in the jam session! His Dad
told me then that Joe had so much musically talent, he could play
anything, and no one in the adoptive family knew anything about
music so Joe had always wondered about it. My entire family plays
several instruments each.
Q: What
were the positives in your personal experience with open adoption?
What were the negatives?
A: The
positives were that I never really had to say goodbye to my son. I
knew I couldn’t raise him, but I knew that what I could do was love
him. Rather than choose to have love be enough, adoption gave me the
opportunity to give my child my love, and the family I felt he
deserved. The negatives were that it was extremely painful to follow
through on. Those last moments with him in the hospital, the first
few days (or even months) afterwards, were terrible for me. It’s why
I requested getting letters before his first birthday. I believe
that if I could have had contact with the adoptive family right away
(as many birthmothers today can) that it would have done a lot to
help me through that time faster. Having it be difficult never made
me wish I hadn’t done it, I always knew it was the right choice, but
it was still a period of grief that was difficult.
Q: Do you
have any advice for birthmothers in open adoptions or adoptive
parents in open adoptions?
A: For
birthmothers, remember that respect goes two ways. The more respect
you show the adoptive parents, the more they will have for you.
Also, go to post adoption counseling for your grief. This is the one
thing I did not do and my one regret. You do not have to go through
this alone. Let your counselor help you to heal and go on to build a
wonderful life that your child will be proud of.
For adoptive parents, my best advice is that when you show respect
for the birthmother, remember that you are also showing your child
that they respect all of what makes them who they are. It is a part
of their “beginnings” in life, and a part of who they are and what
they can be. Your child will feel self confident in who they are as
a member of your family if they know you are accepting and loving
all of who they are. Also, I believe that an adoptee forms their
positive or negative feelings about being adopted from their
adoptive parents. Parents who are open to a child’s questions and
provide a positive response and discussion about adoption will be
telling their child it is a positive experience. Parents who shy
away from questions and are not open about the adoption in general
to others are telling their child there is a part of them to be
ashamed of or angry about. My son was lucky in that his parents were
always very open to him and others; put a photo of me in his room,
answered all his questions, and always approached it openly and
honestly. When I went to his high school graduation and he
introduced me to friends and family as his birthmother there was not
a single moment of surprise – everyone knew who I was and it was
such an accepted fact of who he was that it felt no different than
being introduced as an aunt. My son has not a single negative
feeling about being adopted, he feels very lucky to be loved by so
many people!
Q: Do you
have any advice for expectant mothers or prospective adoptive
parents considering open adoption?
A: Take
the time to fully explore BOTH options before making your choice.
The only way to make a choice without regrets is to fully understand
what you are not choosing. Regret comes from the “what if’s” left
behind when you don’t know how the other choice would have played
out. It is a search you do first with your head, and then make a
decision with both your head and your heart. If you simply make a
decision based on your heart, with no real facts to support it as a
positive choice, you are setting up yourself for regrets. For
adoptive parents, forget all the myths you’ve heard and ignore all
the fears of your friends and family and go get some solid, honest
information on what open adoption can be like (my book would be a
great start!) Once you’ve got the facts, share them with your
friends and family so everyone can celebrate this wonderful
opportunity together!
Q:
Anything else you'd like to add?
A:
Adoption doesn’t necessarily have to tear families a part – but it
can help them grow. Take the time to get the truth – gather
information from agencies, don’t believe the myths. I understand how
hard it can be to consider trusting a complete stranger to become a
part of your life, but it can be done. The first step is simple –
get to be friends, not strangers! You do this by building off of
respect for each other. Respect the feelings of the other person,
they will respect yours. Then, by sharing those feelings with each
other honestly you’ll get to know each other and begin to build
connections. It takes time, but considering the final destination –
a child who feels secure in how much ALL of his family loves him –
it should make it all worthwhile.
Thank you
Patricia for taking the time to answer these questions and share
your adoption story, insight, and experience with all of us!
Buddy of the Month:
All of you are appreciated, but each month we will
spotlight a different involved member. You can also nominate fellow BirthMom
Buds who you think deserve to be buddy of the month. For more info or to
nominate a friend, visit the
Buddy of the Month
Page.
 October’s
Buddy of the Month is our Buddy Coordinator, Susie B. Susie and her
husband Alan have been married for almost twenty years and have two
children they are raising. Their daughter, Jessica, is 19 and just
graduated high school in June and their son, AJ, is 18 and a junior
in high school.
Susie is the birthmother of a daughter named Katie who is 16 years
old. Katie’s adoption was originally semi-open although they lost
touch after a few years. Two years ago, Susie found Katie’s
(adoptive) Mom’s website and worked up the courage to email her.
After exchanging emails with Katie’s Mom for a few days, Susie got a
pleasant surprise when she received an email directly from Katie!
 Three
words Susie uses to describe herself are forgiving, compassionate,
and giving. Her hobbies are gardening and reading and her favorite
quote is "Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not
perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing
fingers, make sure your hands are clean." by Bob Marley. Her
favorite food is cheese and she couldn’t live without it! If Susie’s
life were to be made into a movie, she thinks it should be titled “A
Long Journey.”
Susie has
been the buddy coordinator here at BirthMom Buds for almost a year
now. Thank you Susie for your dedication to BirthMom Buds!
Pregnant &
Placing:
A new section for expectant moms who are making adoption plans to
provide them with resources, articles, and other insight from those who
have “been there, done that.”
Review of Sam's Sister
by Coley Strickland
I
 think
many people think of an expectant mother making an adoption plan and
they think of the stereotypical sixteen year old high school student
experiencing and her first pregnancy. But, that is just a
stereotype. In fact, many of the expectant mothers who are making
adoption plans that request support through our Pregnant and Placing
program already have a child or children that they are parenting.
There are a lot of adoption books out there that explain adoption to
children but these are usually for the adopted children themselves
not the birth siblings of adopted children but there is one book,
Sam’s Sister by Juliet Bond,
that explains adoption to the child you are parenting.
In Sam’s Sister, we are introduced to Rosa and her mother,
Maria. Maria is pregnant and making an adoption plan and must
explain this situation to Rosa. This begins in the book by Rosa
noticing that her mother seems different and quiet. Finally, Maria
sits her down to explain why she has been so quiet which she
explains is because she has been worried. She then explains that
there is a baby in her tummy which they can not care for.
She then explains that they will give the baby to a family that have
everything they need to care for him. Of course, Rosa has the
questions that every child will ask, like “Will the family take me
too?”
Maria also explains that although they won’t live together that Rosa
and the baby will be siblings. Rosa meets the adoptive parents and
also goes to the hospital when her Mom gives birth. At the hospital,
the adoptive parents visit and tell Rosa that the baby’s name will
be Sam and they ask Rosa and her mother pick out the baby’s middle
name.
At home, Maria and Rosa talk about how even though they are happy
that the baby has a good family that sometimes they will still be
sad. The book ends with Rosa and her mother going to visit the baby
and his adoptive parents.
If you are looking for a book to help you explain adoption to the
child you are parenting, this book may just be the answer for you!
Birthday Buds:
In this section, we will list birthdays of our members and their birth children,
so if you
would like to
have your birthday or your birth child's birthday mentioned in this section,
please email the birth date, your name or your child's name, to
Amy by the 25th
of the month before your birthday. For example, if your child's birthday
is November 21, then you need to email it to Amy by October 21st. (Note: You can click
on the names below to email them or send an e-card.)
Jennifer Wiltshire's
daughter, Shelby, celebrates her birthday on October 4th.
Lisa P's daughter, Emerie,
will celebrate her 17th birthday on October 20th.
Prayers Please: We added this section because so many of you have asked us to remember you or
your loved ones in our prayers. We have never wanted to force religion on
anyone, so if you don't pray, then skip this section and go on to the next! And
if you do pray - add the people listed here to your prayer list.
Email Amy
with your prayer requests.
"Please pray
for my son's adoptive family. His parents are separated and things are not very
good right now. Please pray for a healing for his family right now, whether it
be a healing of their marriage or a spiritual healing of both parties. Please
also pray for me to realize that I have to turn this over to God and there is
nothing I can do to make the situation better." ~ Mary Shaw
"Please pray for my brother-in-law is supposed to come home late this month or
early November from Iraq. Please keep him and the rest of his troop in your
prayers. Coming home can be as dangerous as going over." ~ Amy S.
"Please continue to pray for my vision. We've tapped out many of the options and
my next step is to go to a cornea transplant specialist. Thank you!" ~ Coley S.
Founder's Corner:
A little
section to help keep you up to date with Coley and Lani as they share their
lives, their thoughts, and what they're doing with BirthMom Buds.
When I first read Amanda's article, Elections and Birthmoms
posted in the Ideas and Insights section of this newsletter, I
thought, "Is this ok for the newsletter?"
We've never gotten political here at BirthMom Buds nor do we ever
intend to. You have your views and I have mine. I've never wanted to
push my views and opinions on anyone and I wouldn't want anyone
doing that to me. But after reading Amanda's article, I realized
that it isn't so much about politics as it is about using your
voice.
You do have a voice and you can speak by casting your vote on
November 4th. Don't forget, though, that you must register to vote
before you can vote. Registering to vote is easy, only takes a few
minutes, and can even be done online. Go
here to register to vote. But hurry, as some states have early
deadlines!
Don't be silenced! Use your voice; we'll be using ours!
~ Coley & Lani ~
Inspiration:
Little things to
inspire a birthmom from poems, stories, and quotes to encouraging words.
Always my
Daughter
by Jess L.
Before you were born I tried not to connect,
But now that you are here I can not reject.
I want you here to hold you so tight,
But what happened then I could not fight.
You have grown so fast, I missed a lot,
I miss you more than I would have thought,
I think of you everyday and at night,
Hoping and praying that your day was alright.
Your parents are great; I could not ask for more,
They will give you everything you need to soar.
If you ever need me I will be there,
You will always be my daughter that I hold in prayer.
Newsletter Archives
Email BirthMom Buds
The articles in each BirthMom Buds Bulletin are the views of the
individual authors and are not necessarily the views of the founders
and staff at BirthMom Buds.
All articles are copyrighted to BirthMom Buds. If you wish to
re-publish any of the articles featured in our newsletters, we
typically do not mind, but please
email us for
permission first.
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