One step forward, Two steps back
By Jamie Barrow

For those of you who know me, you know that my birth daughter, her adoptive family, and I have tried to cultivate an ongoing friendship long after we parted ways from the hospital that spring day back in March of 2006. We have strived to keep in touch through planned and unplanned visits, emails, photographs, letters by mail, and an even an occasional phone call. From what I understand after talking with other birthmothers, we had a tremendous amount of communication compared to most. If my daughter’s mom emailed me, I dropped everything, sat at the computer, and promptly replied back as if it was my only lifeline. If my daughter’s mom suggested that we go to the park or museum together, I did everything in my power, even if it meant rescheduling other things, in order to go.

From the beginning, I felt an enormous amount of gratitude and responsibility knowing that I have been trusted and given this blessing and privilege to have such a relationship to such an extent. I never once wanted to take it for granted. But it was consuming me, being a birthmom had become one of the main focuses of my life.

But then, one day I woke up one day and decided that I no longer wanted to live as a birthmom being the center piece of my life. It was unhealthy for me. Also, around the same time I realized this, my daughter’s (adoptive) grandfather moved in with her family due to health issues and aging. This has taken a top priority and given her mom less time to focus on our relationship. Around the same time, I began school and began seriously dating someone. I realized that it was time for me to move forward and that being a birthmother doesn’t have to be the top priority in my life.

I have felt a little guilty about pulling back somewhat in our relationship. But at the same time, I do feel a little relief and joy to press forward to live a little more of the life that I do have left outside of being a birthmom. I realize that life is just not all about being a birthmom. Neither is life is all about being a mom, employee, boss, wife, husband or whatever role that you have been given. You have to have a healthy balance in all aspects of your life to stay well emotionally, physically and spiritually. If you give all of yourself to one area, then you have nothing else left over to give to another.  

Also in life, just as the wise King Solomon said in the Bible, (paraphrased) “there is a time and a season for everything. There is a time to weep and a time for joy.”  I desperately needed a new season in my life after two years of concentrating so deeply on my birthmom status, so I had to take a step or two back to try to gain some newness of life. This doesn’t mean that I don’t love or care about my daughter anymore, because I do. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to continue our open adoption, because I do. It just can not be my main focus anymore.  

So what about you? Do you need a new focus or new direction in your life since being a birthmom? I think most of you would say that at some point of having it be the main focus, that you all of the sudden felt as though you needed a break.

Here are a few suggestions for you if this is the case.