Dax's Story
Meet Dax:
Dax is the mother of 6 beautiful
children. She lost 2
children in her first divorce, and 2 in her second.
She has a daughter *Kat* that lives at home with her.
Ethan is her youngest child, and second son. She plans
on having more kids in the future, when her life
settles down and she becomes more stable.
I started this process in my sixth month of being
pregnant. My sons birth father walked out on me and my two year old daughter.
Leaving us past due rent, and cut off notices on the utilities. I had nothing,
literally, and no way of getting anything. I knew I could not bring another
child into this predicament.
I started by writing my family, and telling them that I was thinking of putting
the “baby” up for adoption. I was unsure how they would react. I was first met
with mixed emotions. Part of my family told me I couldn’t do this. How could I
just “give away” part of my family. The other part of my family said that this
was one of the smartest things I could ever do in my life. Unfortunately, this
didn’t help me make any decision at all. I am the kind of person who seeks
approval, and if I feel I am hurting anyone in any way, I try to fix it. Things
became increasingly worse at home, till I had to call law enforcement officers
to my residence. Though no one went to jail, I told the birth father he had to
leave. I could not handle it anymore.
That night I grabbed a newspaper, and started looking in adds. I came across an
add for adoption. They said they would help relocate me, and help me with my
expenses. I knew this was what I needed to do. So I immediately called the
number in the paper, and got a person on the other end. I explained the
situation I was in, and told them I wanted out of the state I was in. I wanted
to be closer to my family. I needed moral support for my decision. I also told
them that I wanted an open adoption. I wanted visitations once a year, and
pictures and letters every three months until my son was 18, moved out, or went
to college. Whichever came first.
The lady on the other end of the phone assured me there would be no problem
finding me a family, and I started looking for a new place to live closer to my
family. The next day, the lady called me back and told me she had found me the
perfect family. She wanted me to have a phone conversation with this family that
night at 9:00 p.m. I agreed to have the phone conversation.
The phone conversation seemed great. The family told me they were uncomfortable
with visitations, but that they had a 800# installed and I would be able to call
at any time. The letters and pictures would be no problem. I agreed thinking
that I was just asking for too much, and I figured that at least if I was able
to call at any time, it would make up for the visitations.
I got all the information by the next day for a U-Haul truck, and an apartment.
I would be leaving the following day. With less then twenty-four hours to pack,
I concentrated on my daughters belongings.
That afternoon, I receive a phone call from the facilitator telling me that the
family had expressed to her that they only wanted to keep the 800# and only send
pictures and letters for the first year. This upset me a lot. I expressed this
to the facilitator, and she assured me she would “fix” this problem.
Leaving my life behind, I packed what I could, and headed on the road for a
twenty hour trip. It was very hard on me both emotionally, and physically. I
started having Brackston Hicks contractions about sixteen hours into the trip.
With no driver to alternate with, and only my two year old for a co-pilot, I
finally made it. I signed my lease, and was moved. It took me a few days to even
get up enough strength to unload the truck, but when I had, I realized that I
still had nothing. No bed, dresser, couch, chairs, tables, nothing. What I had
was about $50.00 in dirty clothing. So, I called the facilitator and explained
my situation. We immediately got deposits down for the utilities, and she wired
me $100.00 for food expenses. I felt my life was going to take a great turn. The
facilitator was going to “fix” my problem I had with the family, and my
son/daughter, to be would find a great home. I was away from a very bad
situation. My daughter and I were safe. Our life was starting new. How much more
could a pregnant, single mom ask for?
I soon found a web sight that dealt specifically with adoption. They had a
wonderful chat room. I soon was listening to other birth mothers, adoptive
mothers, and people who were reunited adoptees, or still searching for their
birth parents. Everyone kept telling me that I should not have a problem getting
a family that would be open to visitations and pictures and letters. When I
started telling them that the only family that had any contact with was not open
to that, they told me I needed to find another family. So I made another call to
the facilitator. I told her I thought it would be a good idea if I looked at
more profiles. She assured me again at that time that the family that I had
spoken with would not have a problem with my wishes.
I was very unhappy at this point. I started surfing the net to find profiles on
my own, and started talking with people wishing to adopt a child. It was very
hard to weed threw all the profiles and people, and I shortly became even more
overwhelmed. A few days latter, the family finally called to see if I had even
made it to my new home. I told them yes I had, but that I still had nothing.
They told me that the facilitator had sent me a check for $50.00 to buy a bed. I
told them they were mistaken. I had never received a check for $50.00. That the
only money I had received was the $100.00 I had received for food, laundry, and
personal weekly items. At that time I again expressed that I wanted visitations,
pictures, and letters. I told the family how the facilitator had told me she
would “fix” the situation. I was told then that the facilitator had assured them
that everything for one year was okay with me. I told them I needed to let them
go, and I would talk to them again later.
I immediately got on the phone with a friend of mine named Coley, who is big
into adoptions, and what it takes to adopt and put a child up for adoption. She
said no, I did not need to settle for this. That she had a friend who was a
facilitator, and I needed to talk to her. Did I want to possibly do a 3 way
conversation with her. I said yes! Anything at this point. That evening I was on
a 3 way conversation with a woman; her name was Laurie; that sounded just like
the facilitator I had come from. She told me it would be no problem to find me a
family who was open to visitations once a year, and pictures and letters every 3
months. I told her that I didn’t want to seem rude, but that I had heard those
words before. She told me that she understood. The conversation ended with
everyone being very tired, as it was late in the evening. Coley and I stayed up
and talked for around another hour or so, and I agreed to give this new
facilitator a chance.
The next day I called her back and told her I was willing to give her a chance.
Where did I go from there? She told me the first thing she wanted me to do was
to look at some profiles she was going to send me. I was to pick the two I liked
the most, and we would go from there. About a week latter I received five
profiles in the mail. My sister and I sat down and read them all. I even called
my birth mother on the phone and read them to her. I chose the profile I liked
the best. It wasn’t hard. I really only liked one. I had been told more then
once that when I found the right family, we would just click. I went ahead and
chose a second family as Laurie had asked anyway.
Once I had chosen my two families, I called Laurie back, and told her my
decisions. She said that another birth mom had chosen the exact two I had, and
in the same order. She also told me that the family I had chosen as my first
choice was on vacation. That they would be back at the end of the week. I spent
the week talking to my friends and family, and finally came up with 30 questions
to ask the potential adoptive family. I also got a chance to fill out all the
legal papers needed for the adoption except the paperwork that I was to take to
the hospital, and sign 48 hours after delivery.
The night came for me to talk to the new potential adoptive family. With Laurie
on one phone, me on another and both the prospective adoptive father, and
prospective adoptive mother on phones at their home, we sat and talked for about
two hours. When the prospective adoptive family, finally hung up the phone, I
spent another half hour on the phone with the Laurie. She told me not to make
any decisions at that moment. That I needed to sleep on it. She wanted me to
call her back within the next two days with my decision.
I talked to my family members, and to a few of my friends. All of them agreed
that this family sounded like what I was looking for. They had no problem with
visitations once a year, and lots of letters and pictures. They even agreed to
tell my baby that I was his/her birth mother. My child would know from the
beginning that he/she was adopted, and that I had placed him/her out of love.
That I would never abandon him/her.
The next day I called Laurie back, and told her she could call the family and
tell them I liked them, and agreed for them to be “my” family. She called me
back, later that evening, and told me that when she had called the family, that
they were so excited, they started screaming in her ear. I asked her where I
went from here, and she told me now, I sit back and she would be sending them
paperwork. That if I thought I had a lot to fill out, they had about ten times
more. As soon as she got their paper work back, she would give them my personal
info, and we could start talking on the phone. Wait! Wait! Wait! Oh man, it is
so hard to wait.
Christmas morning, the phone woke me up. I didn’t get to it in time, but there
was a message. It was from the prospective adoptive family. They had called to
see how I was on Christmas. I called Laurie, and she happily gave me there
number. I called them back, and we got to speak for the second time.
We started talking regularly, and emailing back and forth. As the days went by,
I became more and more comfortable with the family, and knew that the decision I
had made was the right one. Then came the day when we began to talk about
meeting. Meeting?!? What if after they met me they changed their minds? What if
they decided they didn’t like me? What if they wanted to back out after this? I
looked around my place, and realized I still had nothing. I still had no
furniture, and I am not good at housekeeping while pregnant, let alone with a
two year old going right behind me sabotaging my cleaning efforts as I went. My
anxiety levels immediately started to rise.
My friends and family just kept telling me that the family was probably more
nervous then me. I didn’t see how. Coley and I talked about the problem, and we
finally got in touch with an organization that could help me. Thanks to her and
her husband Jason, I was able to go pick out a few living room furniture items,
and they were delivered to my doorstep.
As the day crept closer for the prospective adoptive parents to arrive, I slowly
but surly, got the apartment cleaned, and ready for company. My birth mom
Jackie, and my sister Michelle, planned on being with me when I met the
prospective adoptive parents. I knew as long as I had family their to help me, I
was going to get threw it. The week before they were to arrive, Jackie called me
and said their was a possibility that she may not be able to make it due to some
financial problems she was having. Her husband Eagle, had damaged his back on a
on-the-job injury, and was undergoing a series of surgeries. I told her I
understood. I became depressed over this, and even wondered if meeting the
prospective adoptive parents was going to be a good idea or not. My sister
reassured me that this was a good thing.
Four days before the big day, I was on the phone with the prospective adoptive
mom, and she made a comment about not being sure what to pack. I explained to
her that for me, that was easy. Seeing as I only had two maternity outfits
anyway. She did not like this, and made a comment that she had sent $500.00 to
the agency for clothing expenses for me. $500.00! I explained to her, that I had
not received any money for clothing at all. As I got off the phone with her, I
was very upset. I could really use that money, seeing as I was to meet these
people in a few days, and did not really have anything nice to meet them in. I
seethed over this for several hours. I finally called Alicia, my mentor from the
BirthMomBuds.com program and told her I was upset, and why. She suggested I call
Coley. Seeing that it was Coley that had introduced us. I took her up on the
advice, and got in touch with Coley. Coley was not happy at all to hear this,
and she asked me if I wanted her to do another 3 way phone conversation with
Laurie. I told her that I did not feel comfortable complaining to Laurie. She
did however call Laurie, and Laurie in turn, called me. I explained the
conversation that I had had with the prospective adoptive other, and we finally
came to an agreement. Seeing that I did not have very much time left to be
pregnant, that she would wire me $100.00 the next day, and I would receive the
rest of the $500.00 after I gave birth. I thought this was an excellent plan,
and hung up happy. I was going to have a new outfit to meet my prospective
adoptive parents in.
The next day I went and picked up my Western Union money transfer, and
immediately went to Wal-Mart. I picked out a cute shirt/pants combo that had
tweety on it. I also purchased a new pair of shoes, socks, and panties for my
daughter. We were finally ready. Jackie called the next day, she said she was
sorry, but due to the mail being late, they were not going to be able to make
it.
The day finally arrived when I was going to get to meet the prospective adoptive
parents face to face. I was very nervous, and excited at the same time. The plan
was that their flight was to land at the Dallas, Texas terminal. They would pick
up the rental car, and drive the 2 ½ - 3 hours into Abilene. After checking into
their hotel, we were going to meet, and go out for dinner. I paced the floor and
watched the T.V., yet not
watching it, until I received the first call telling me they had landed, and had
picked up the rental car. They were still in Dallas, but heading this way. I did
one last scurry around the apartment, making sure everything was in its place,
and again proceeded to watch the clock. When I felt that ample time had passed,
I called the hotel they had made reservations at. They had checked in. They were
actually here in Abilene, Texas.
After playing phone tag for a bit, I finally got Debbi
on the phone, and Michelle gave her directions to get from the hotel room, to
here. Again, I paced the floor in anxious wonder. What would these people think
of me? Would they like me? Would they back out after meeting me? Was my
apartment ok? A knock on the door signaled their arrival. They were here.
Actually here! I opened the door, and their they stood. I didn’t really know
what to do, so I just gave each of them a big hug, and welcomed them into my
home. I asked them to excuse any mess they might see. They waved their hands and
told me not to worry so much. They weren’t here to see the place, they were here
to meet me. We sat in the living room for quite a while. I showed them the past
ultra sound pictures I had, and told them about the birth father. Then, we
finally decided to go to Dennys’ Restaurant for dinner. We piled into the rental
car, and headed out. We sat and eat, and talked for a long time. I asked them
about their lives, their friends, and family. They asked about mine, and about
how the pregnancy had been going. Everything went really good. The more we all
sat and talked, my fears, and nervousness went away. Debbi asked if anyone
wanted dessert, and we finally all agreed to go to the store and buy some ice
cream, and take it back to their hotel room to eat. So my sister, John, and
their son Joshua, headed for the room.
Debbi and I headed for the store.
Now first let me say, that being without a car has kept
me within a mile radius of my home, so it was apt to say that we got lost fast.
It didn’t really bother either of, because it gave us more time to talk. We
finally found the store, and bought some ice cream. Debbi bought me some more
groceries as well. Then, we headed back to their hotel room, and the waiting
families. On the way back, we got to talking again, and since neither of us knew
exactly where we were going, we almost got into an accident by not seeing a red
yield sign. We both laughed about it, and I knew I really liked this family. I
knew I had chosen the right family for my child. When we arrived back at the
hotel room, We again talked more. The kids played, and got a bit rowdy. During
this time, We called my birth mom, and John and Debbi got to talk with her.
After a while, my daughter Kaitlin got very cranky, and I myself was tired, so I
asked them if they would mind driving us home. They had no problem, and soon
after, I was back home, and trying to put my daughter in bed.
Jackie called about an hour latter, and said she was
surprised I had not called her the moment I walked in the door. I asked her what
she thought of them. She said they sounded nice over the phone, but that she
wished she had been their in person to meet them. I agreed, and told her how the
day had gone. The next day John, Debbi, and Josh came and picked me and my
daughter up, and we headed for Wal-Mart. We had plans on getting a “family”
picture taken, due to Wal-Marts’ Portrait Studio was having a great deal on
pictures. The prospective adoptive family purchased a new maternity outfit for
me, and two new outfits for my daughter. We changed in the bathroom, and headed
for the Portrait Studio. After what seemed a long time, and two kids acting up,
we finally got several great pictures. I thought we were only going to purchase
the main package, but Debbi purchased some additional photos for me. After the
pictures, we went to McDonalds, and had lunch. Then, we headed to public notary,
so I could finish my last papers that needed to be signed before the baby was
born. The public notary ended up being two stores down from the drug store, so
after we completed the papers, we headed their and they paid for some
antibiotics that had been prescribed for me two weeks earlier, for a spider bite
on my arm. Running around all morning had made everyone tired, so they took me
home, and themselves headed for their room. We planed on meeting that night for
dinner. My daughter and I fell asleep shortly after getting dropped off. Upon
waking, my daughter came down sick. I thought it would be a one time deal,
seeing that she had never been sick before. So I got her showered, and changed,
and ready for pick up when they arrived. We all finally agreed to go to Red
Lobster for dinner. I was very happy to hear that we were going their, seeing as
I had only been their once, and I had not been to a nice restaurant in so long.
So again, we piled everyone into the rental car, and headed out. Once we got to
Red Lobster, the kids were totally fascinated with the live lobster tank. After
several minutes, we all decided what we wanted to order, and the
waitress had fun trying to write it all down. Drinks were brought to the table,
and my sister and I stepped outside to have a cigarette. When we re-entered the
establishment, Kaitlin wanted to sit on my lap. I let her, seeing as that she is
usually calmer in my lap, then sitting in a booster chair. All of a sudden, she
became ill all over me. I took her to the bathroom, and tried to clean her up.
John, Debbi, and my sister and I all agreed to get our orders to go, and we
headed back home. The next morning, found me pacing the floor. They were ten
minutes late in getting to my home, and the day was to be filled with my doctors
appointment. I was to get an ultra sound. They finally arrived, and leaving
Kaitlin home with my sister, we headed to the doctors. We arrived on time, and
sat in the waiting room until my name was called. The doctor came in, and I
introduced the family. He said he was very supportive of adoptions, and I was
not to worry. Then he asked me to lay back, and the ultra sound began.
The doctor said that the baby was breech, and said that meant I might have to
have a c-section. He assured me that if I did, he would do what is called a
bikini cut. He said he does not cut threw any of the muscles, because that slows
down the healing process. He also said he thought that the baby was going to be
a boy. He was 90% sure of it, and only 10% sure it would be a girl. This agreed
with past ultra sounds I had had when I lived in Alabama. The doctor said that
he was going to schedule the c-section for the 20th of February. That means the
baby would be born the day before Johns’ birthday. I am not going to wait an
extra day to let the baby be born on his birthday. The day before will have to
do. They dropped me off, and then they had to head for Dallas, and the airport
to get on their plane, to head home. That evening, they called, and assured me
they made it home. They also informed me that Josh had come down with whatever
it was that Kaitlin had. We came to the conclusion that it was food poisoning,
and agreed not to go back to McDonalds. The next Saturday, my sister got her
paycheck and went to Rent-A-Center. She got two beds. I finally got to sleep on
a bed. It was the most comfortable night I had had in a long time.
I was unable to go to my next appointment due to transportation, and had to
re-schedule, but I was able to go to the re-scheduled appointment. At that
appointment the doctor kind of hinted around that he wanted to do the c-section
the following Monday, and scheduled my next appointment for that Friday. When I
arrived home, I called Jackie, and told her my suspicions. I also called Debbie,
and told them. The following Friday, I had no transportation yet again to go to
my appointment. I called my sisters x-boyfriend, my friend in Dallas, and the
attorney. No one was able to get me a way to my appointment. I called the
doctors office, and he said it was imperative that I make this appointment,
seeing as it would be my last appointment before the c-section that was
supposedly on the 20th of February. I was finally able to get hold of Debbi, and
she was able to call the local cab company here, and put the cab fair on their
credit card. So I went to my last visit with doctor Charles Anderson. Upon an
ultrasound examination, He found that the babies foot was caught in my cervix.
He felt that I did indeed need a c-section He scheduled this appointment for the
next Monday. That was just three days away. At 38 weeks into the pregnancy, the
baby was considered full term. So I went home immediately, and started making
the all important phone calls to friends and family. After getting reservations
for flight, rental cars, and hotels changed, everything seemed to be set in
motion. The following day, February 14, 2004, Jackie and Annastasia, My half
Sister arrived at my apartment. The day started out great, and plans were set.
John, Debbie, and Joshua were leaving their home that evening and would be
spending the night in Dallas. They had plans on
arriving the next day.
As evening drew near, Annastasia asked to go to the store. My sister Michelle
said she would take her, their were a few things she needed as well. Upon
returning from the store, Annastasia put a six-pack of beer in my refrigerator.
I was upset by this, but Jackie assured me that as long as it was only beer,
Annastasia would be ok. Beer only mellows her out I was informed. So not
thinking much of it, I let her drink. Telling her she had best drink now,
because when I was in the hospital, she would not be allowed.
After finishing off the six-pack of beer, Annastasia proceeded to pull a bottle
of Vodka out of her bag, and drink it. Things took a terrible turn from their.
Annastasia began to ask me how I could do this to her? Meaning putting my child
up for adoption. She began to tell me how bad of a mother I was for what I was
planning on doing. I tried to explain to her why I had chosen adoption, but she
would hear non of it. She had her mind set, and was not going to listen to
reason. The more she talked, the more mad I became. I asked her at several times
if she felt this way, why did she even come? All she could say was she had come
because she loved me. I told her if she truly loved me, she would support me in
the decision I had made. She told me she would never accept the decision.
Jackie and I both got tired of hearing how Annastasia was feeling so sorry for
herself, and being self centered, that I went to my room, and began to fold
clothing, and Jackie went to Michelles’ room. Going to the bathroom, I peered in
and saw Jackie with a cigarette in her hand. I reminded her that Michelle did
not smoke in her room, but she was more than welcome to come sit in my room and
smoke her cigarette while I folded clothing. After a while, we re-entered the
living room, where Annastasia started up the argument of how I was the lowest
scum on the face of the planet for giving my child away. After sitting and
letting her berate me for several hours, it seemed, I had had enough. I gave her
two options. Shut up, or get out! She jumped up off the couch, and started
yelling that I was kicking her out in a strange town where she knew no one. I
informed her that I was not kicking her out. That she was choosing to leave. She
then tried to say that I had never given her a choice. At that time, Jackie also
informed Annastasia that she was choosing to leave. That the choices were she
could sit down and be quiet, or leave. Annastasia grabbed up Alexander her
sleeping son and forced him to get dressed. All the while still berating me for
my decision. Grabbing up her purse, she started walking towards the door. Her
now dressed, half awake, child still sitting on the couch. I stopped her and
told her she was forgetting her son. She informed me that her mother was there,
and that her mother would take care of him. Now in my mind, I was wondering why
she even bothered to get him dressed if she was planning all along to leave him.
I told her she had not asked Jackie if it was okay for her to leave her son in
her care. I was not going to tolerate her just walking off and leaving her child
unattended. She jerked around and slurring her words asked if Jackie would watch
her son for her. In a calm voice, Jackie said she would. At that point,
Annastasia opened the door, stepped threw, and slammed the door behind her. I
was so angry, that I was shacking. I got up, and locked the door behind her. I
was not going to just let her walk back in. She would have to knock first. Soon
after, the phone rang. I knew before I answered it, that Annastasia had walked
up to Michelle's job, and had more than likely made scene. I answered the phone,
and my guess had been correct. Michelle asked me what was going on. I told her
nothing was going on at that moment. She then asked me why I had kicked
Annastasia out onto the street. I explained to her that I had given Annastasia
two options. Leaving was the one she had chosen. Michelle then informed me that
Annastasia had gone up to her job, and told her that Jackie and I had gone into
my room, and plotted to take Alexander away from her. I could not believe my
ears. I had been the one to tell her to take her son. Not to leave him! Michelle
told me that Annastasia was on her way to pick up Alexander, so I said that was
fine, and hung up with her. Shortly after I hung up, their was a knock on the
door. I unlocked it, slammed it open and looked her straight in the eyes, and
said get your son, and get the hell out! How dare you try to tell people I am
trying to take your son from you, when I was the one that told you to take him.
Annastasia came in, and put her stuff down. She sat on the couch and began to
try to apologize. The apology went something like this. Sis, you know I love
you, but what you are doing is wrong. This just started everything back up. We
began yelling at each other. I was in no mood by this time to bite my tongue.
Then Annastasia began to pull Jackie into it, saying that it was all her fault.
That she was a bad mom, and that is why all her kids were messed up. Jackie
tried to stay calm. She said yes, she had made mistakes in the past. That she
was sorry for her mistakes, and wished she could take them back, but she
couldn’t. That each person lives and learns. No one is perfect. Annastasia just
couldn’t keep her mouth shut. I again told her she needed to shut up, or get
out. Again, she grabbed up her purse, and headed for the door. Leaving her son,
Alexander sitting on my couch. After the accusations from the last time, I said
you need to take your son. She again said her mother was their, and she knew her
mother would take care of him. I commented that I had not heard her ask if she
could leave him. She just opened the door, and left. I again locked the door
behind her.
A little time latter, the phone rang again. Annastasia had walked back up to
Michelles’ work establishment. I was now being yelled at that Michelle could not
handle the drama I was creating. I was creating? I did not ask her to bring the
alcoholic beverages into my home. I hung up on her, and grabbed up the bottle. I
went to the kitchen, and poured out what was left. I was not going to go threw
this anymore. A knock on the door indicated that Annastasia had yet again
returned. I opened the door only slightly, and asked her what she wanted. She
said it was cold, and she wanted to come inside. I asked her if she was going to
sit down, and keep her mouth shut. She said she would. So I opened the door, and
re-admitted her into my home. Several minutes latter, she asked where her bottle
of Vodka was, and I told her in no uncertain terms that I had poured it out, and
thrown the empty bottle away. Upon hearing this, Annastasia went into a fury.
How dare I do such a thing. She once again picked up her belongings, and headed
for the door. Once she got to the door, she turned around, and asked Jackie if
she was coming. Jackie asked her what she meant. At this, Annastasia informed
Jackie that it was either her or me. She couldn’t love both of us. Jackie just
sat calmly on the ouch and said she was staying. That she had come to Texas to
be here for the birth of her grandchild, and that if Annastasia didn’t like it,
tough. For a third time that night, Annastasia stormed out of my home. She did
not return home for a while, which was good. I could not believe what she was
doing. When she finally did return, she laid down on the couch, and passed out.
The next morning, Debbi called. They were going to go shopping before they came
over for some things that had been left behind. I told her I understood this, as
they had not had much time to get flight plans, rental car, and hotel
reservations changed. Jackie and I had shopping we needed to do as well, for
last minute items to take with me to the hospital. We hung up, giving each other
an hour and a half to get what we needed, and then we would meet. Jackie and I
went to the dollar store down the street, then decided to go to Sonic. Neither
of us really wanted to go back into the apartment, as we were worried that once
Annastasia woke up, she would still be in the horrid mood she had been in the
night before. We sat out in the car for around 45 minutes, talking and crying.
It was the first real time I was able to talk to her with no one else around. I
asked he what she thought of me putting the baby up for adoption. She told me
that this was her grand baby, and it hurt. I had to understand this, because it
was my child, and yes, it was hurting a lot. Then she told me how proud of me
she was for the decision I was making. She said no one but me could understand
what was going on im my head, and that no one else would understand the
predicament I was in. She knew my past, and she knew my trials and errors with
my past children. She knew that me being a single mom to two children would
overwhelm me. She said she was sorry that I had not known her in the past. That
she wished she had always been their for me. Then things would have been so
different for all of us. But I am half way a realist, and know that I can not go
back in time to change things. If anyone invents a real working time machine,
please feel free to tell me about it! We finally decided it was time to face
Annastasia, so we went inside. I was still angry from the night before, and upon
entering my home, and seeing that Annastasia did nothing for the hour and half
that we were gone, just brought that anger right back to the surface. I started
yelling at her, that she did nothing while we were gone, when she knew John and
Debbi would be over soon. She ade a comment about how she must have Michelles’
and my morning sickness, and all I could yell at her was that it was a HANG
OVER! Shortly after that, a knock on the door sounded that John, Debbi, and
Josh, had made it. I answered the door, and Debbi was standing their. We agreed
that we would go to lunch. So Jackie and I went in her car, and John, Debbi,
Josh, and Kaitlin all piled into their car, and we headed for Denny’s. I was
hoping during this time, Michelle, and Annastasia would at least attempt to
clean the living room. I had asked Michelle to talk to Annastasia about her
attitude.
At Dennys’ everyone finally had a chance to calm down, and Jackie got to meet
John, and Debbi for the first time. I told them what the doctor said, and more
questions were asked about family, and friends. It was a very calming time. We
told them about the night before, and about what Annastasia had done and said.
They could not believe that she would be so upset. Jackie told them that if she
knew that Annastasia was going to act that way, she would not have brought her
at all.
After eating, Jackie, Kaitlin and I headed back to my apartment. We needed to pack my bag, and prepare for the next day. John, Debbi, and Josh were going to meet us about 10:00 am and we were all going to go to the hospital together. I had been told by the doctor that after midnight I would not be allowed to drink or eat anything. Jackie had gone out, and bought me a bag of ice, and a three liter of my favorite drink. Dr. Pepper. We stayed up watching television till a little after one ‘o’clock, and at midnight, I handed what was left of the three liter to her and told her to hide it. I woke up every few hours threw the night, and when it was a little after seven ‘o’clock in the morning, I decided I had best get up, and prepare for the day. Everyone else was still asleep, so I quietly woke Jackie up, and we sat and talked and smoked for a while. My bag was packed, and it seemed I was ready to go. I guess no one knew just how nervous and scared I was. I debated even getting into the car. I had never had a c-section before, and was not looking forward to this. John, Debbi, and Josh got to the apartment around 10 ‘o’ clock, and Michelle, Jackie, and I went in Jackies’ car, and John, Debbi, Josh, and Kaitlin went in their car. Jackie and Michelle, stopped at Sonic and got themselves something to drink. I was upset by this, because they knew I was not allowed to drink or eat anything, and my throat felt like a hot furnace. Then we headed on the highway towards the hospital. I had to have everyone stop on the way their. My nerves were so in turmoil, and my stomach so empty, that I became ill, and had to get out of the car. We still made it to the hospital with a little time to spare. We unloaded everyone, and everything, and headed to the third floor. Debbi, and I walked up to the nurses desk. They asked how they could help us, and I told them who I was, and that I was going to have a baby today! They looked at their paperwork and told me that I had been re-scheduled for 2 ‘o’ clock in the afternoon. UMMM No I haven’t..I was told to be here at 10 ‘o’ clock. I began to cry. Did these people know how much it took me to even get in the car to come here in the first place? Did they even care? Then the nurse looked at her schedule again, and told me I should be back at noon. They would be starting the IV then, and the preparations. Debbi, and I walked solemnly back to the “Family Waiting Room”. We delivered our news, and sat down to think. We decided to go to Dillard’s and buy the baby an outfit to have his “First Photo” in. So we piled bodies and luggage back in vehicles, and headed for the mall. We finally found it, and searched threw all the clothing that was premie, and 0/3 months. And found one that we all agreed was adorable.
Finally time was up, and we all headed back to the
hospital. For me, it was a dreaded footfall in the night. Every mile we got
closer, seemed to be a knife in my side. Was I sure I could do this? I was sure
about the adoption, it was the c-section I feared. Upon arriving back at the
hospital, we again unloaded bodies, and bags, and headed for the third floor.
John and I made it up first, and the rest stayed outside to talk and finish
their smokes. The nurses remembered me from earlier that day, and showed me to a
bed. They asked me for the usual “undress, and cover up with this sheet, you can
actually see threw, but no one comments about”. So I undressed, covered up, and
waited. A nurse finally came back, and hooked me up to the never forgiving
monitors that annoy all pregnant women. One for the heart rate, one for the non
having contractions that don’t show up when you want them to, but always show up
when you don’t want them to. And I laid their, and laid their, and laid their. 2
‘o’ clock came and went, and then 3 ‘o’ clock. Finally my doctor came in when I
was so agitated that I was threatening to leave. I asked him nicely if I could
please go down and have a smoke. I had been laying here for so long with nothing
to drink, nothing to eat, and no smoking. Seeing my distress, he said I could,
and was their anything else he could do for me. I asked him when I was going to
have the c-section, and he told me it would only be another 20 minutes. That
made me feel a bit better. So I headed down to have my last smoke as a pregnant
woman, and then came back up. The 20 minutes passed, 30 minutes, 4 ‘o’ clock,
4:30. This was getting ridiculous! Finally a nurse came in, and said that the
anesthesiologist had arrived. They asked me who was going to be going back with
me. I looked at Jackie, and Michelle, and said they had to choose between the
two of them who it was that would go back with me. Jackie told Michelle, that
since she would be the person to most likely keep me the calmest, it should be
her. They wisped her away, and she scrubbed up for the procedure. They put a
funny looking hospital hat on me, that didn’t begin to keep my long hair up in
it, and I was wheeled into a sterile room with big lights. My sister joined me
upon arriving in the room. She looked like one of those doctors off of E.R., or
Scrubs. A very nice, black, nurse told me that it was time to get my epidural.
My sister came to stand in front of me, and held my hands, The anesthesiologist
was behind me, and bent me over a pillow. Now, for pregnant women who have never
had one of these done before, it is a very awkward feeling. It stung at first,
but once the doctor gets the needle in, it doesn’t hurt as much. The
anesthesiologist had the epidural in within 5 minutes flat. I was very shocked,
amazed, and happy. Then the nice, black, nurse asked me to lay back. They
strapped down my right arm straight out, and my sister was to hold my left hand,
and have my arm, and keep it outstretched on her side. The doctor finally
walked into the room. He started sterilizing my stomach. I told him I could feel
him, so please don’t cut into me yet. He told me that I would feel him, I just
would not feel pain. I told him, No, I can feel things. So he got a sharp
object. I was unable to see this Object, but I knew it was sharp because he
poked me with near my calf, and asked me if I felt it. I told him I felt
something, but was not sure what I felt. Then he told me to tell him when I felt
something sharp, and he started running it up my body. I did not actually feel
anything sharp until it got around my upper torso. Then I said “Their. It is
sharp their.” He said “Great, see you are already numb up to here.” and put his
had where I felt the sharpness. The next thing I can remember is the nurses and
doctors putting this blue sheet up. I don’t have many memories after that except
feeling my abdomen being pulled apart. It felt like if it was stretched anymore
that it would be ripped off me. I remember the doctors voice saying “It’s a
boy.” and I remember the doctor asking me if I wanted to see him. I said yes,
and I remember my sister saying that they needed to clean him up before showing
me, but the doctor peeked him over the blue, paper, curtain. He was so
beautiful, even then. Then I remember feeling pressure in my head. I remember
thinking and saying “My head hurts.” I tried to move my hands to put some
pressure on my or forehead. My sister later told me that I was not saying it,
that I was screaming it. The nurse kept telling me I needed to calm down, or
they would have to put me totally under. She kept telling me that if they did
that I might not remember the labor, or my baby
at all. Then I was out. When I came back awake, I was in the room I was in to
begin with. I could not move, but I could talk. I remember my mom Jackie and my
sister Michelle sitting next to me. I asked bout my son, and was told that he
was doing fine, that he was being taken care of by the nurses at the moment. I
don’t remember much more at that time, I guess I fell back asleep. When I woke a
second time, I being wheeled into a private room. The nurses told me I needed to
move over to the new bed, and I can remember trying, but not even having the
strength to move anything from my waist down. I had no feeling. This scared me,
and sent me off in another panic attack. I do not like to not have control of my
body. My mom Jackie, and my sister Michelle, came to my aid. They helped me move
over to the new bed, and I immediately asked for my son.
My beautiful, perfect son was brought to me, and I was able to give him his very first bottle. The rest of that day was perfect, John and Debbi came to see us, and brought me a scrap-booking kit. Debbi and I agreed that when we got a page or so done, we would be happy to send copies of it to the other one. The nurses could not believe how fast I seemed to bounce back from having the c-section. It did not take long for me to shower, dress, and get wheeled down to have a smoke after his birth. The Lady from Vital Statistics arrived, and asked me what my sons name was to be. I told her his name was going to be Ethan Deckota. The next day, I knew it was the day I would be signing my perfect, beautiful, little boy Ethan, over to John, and Debbi. Morning came, and I asked for him to be brought to me. Shortly after he was brought in, John and Debbi arrived. I was very confused by them. This was supposed to be THEIR day, yet when they came in, their faces were downcast. They looked as if life itself had been drained from them. I was a little stressed by this, and remember later talking with the attorney/counselor about this. John told me that they were going to take Josh to the zoo. I said “You don’t want to hold him?” They said they did, but did not want to intrude on my time with him. I told them that he was going to be their son. That it was okay if they wanted to hold him. Their faces brightened, and they gladly accepted the little bundle of joy I placed in their arms. After that, my mother Jackie and I went down to have a smoke. Upon re-entering my room, their was a strange woman sitting in the chair opposite Debbi. I was informed that it was Debbis’ mother. Now first let me say that I have nothing against this woman, or any of Debbis’ family. I just felt this woman was critsizing me. It seemed that she was telling me that I didn’t know how to take care of my own child! This was the person that would be receiving another grandchild due to MY generosity. I walked out of the room, and immediately went to the nurses desk. I asked the nurse why they had allowed someone in my room that was not on MY visitor list. The nurse looked in her file, and asked me if I wanted the woman removed from my room. I tried to explain to the nurse that I didn’t know what I wanted. I did not want to offend John and Debbi, for they would be the care gives of my child, yet I just did not feel that I could meet anyone new at this point. My anxiety level became thru the roof. I was walking the floors. Debbi I guess could feel that I had been upset when I walked out, so she came out of the room and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain to her, and the nurse helped out. She told me that she would have her mother leave, and it was not a big problem. I started crying. I so did not want to offend anyone, and I felt that this might cause problems in the future. John, Debbi, and Debbi’s mom left the hospital. They did not get very far when the lady from First Photo* came in, to take Ethan’s hospital picture. Kris got on her cell phone and called down to Debbis’ cell phone. They brought the outfit right up, and I dressed him, and he received his snap shot. They told me that I would be able to view it online in a few days. The lady gave me the info for ordering the pictures, and left. I was still having an anxiety attack, so the nurse called the doctor, and they were able to get my normally prescribed medication for me.
Kris Miller the “counselor” finally arrived, and I was able to meet her for the first time. We all sat in my room, and re-viewed the paperwork I was supposed to sign that afternoon. We discussed my finances, and got everything straightened out. I expressed at that time that I was confused about John and Debbis’ reaction that morning. She asked me how I wanted John and Debbi to be. I told her that I wanted them to be happy. This was the day that they were going to get to take my little boy home with them. I just did not expect them to be so sullen, and down trodden. She told me that they had probably reacted that way because a lot of “Birth moms” back out at the last minute. I told her that threw this whole time I had told them I was not going to back out. I was not that kind of person. After a while, Jackie asked everyone if they could please leave and give her and I about 30 minutes alone with Ethan. We both sat in the chairs, and I was holding my precious boy. I couldn’t say good bye. I told him that I loved him very much, and what I was about to do was out of love. I was not abandoning him, or throwing him away. I was allowing a loving, caring, stable home to take him. I told him I would always be in his life if he ever needed me. Then I just began to cry. I kissed him, and handed him to Jackie, and just walked out of the room. I never expected things to be this hard. I thought it was going to be easy to allow such a great family to be my sons “parents”. Things were happening way to fast. Could I do this? I could not back out at the last minute. My heart told me to tell everyone to get out. To leave. That this was MY baby! My head said this is what you have been waiting for. You are giving these people the chance to have something, that without you, is impossible. They have bonded with him, as much as you have. I argued with myself that their was no way that they could love him as much as I, or that they had bonded with him. They didn’t spend the last nine months carrying him around in their belly, or watching for his every move, or holding him all night his first night in this life! What was I thinking? As I rushed out of the room, I headed downstairs. I had to get fresh air, and fast! I thought I had found a place that no one would come to. I lit up a smoke, and just stood their holding my empty belly. Debbi and John drove up. They drove up to THAT door! I looked at them, and I knew I had to do this. Not just for them, but for Ethan. They walked up to me. I hugged each one, and then just said “Please take care of him.” They said they would. I told them that he was upstairs with my mom. That she had asked for some time alone with him. Then, they went inside. I couldn’t break down now, but I wanted to so bad. I wanted to just find a dark, quiet place and cry, but I knew I couldn’t. My mom came down shortly after and said that it was almost time for me to sign. We both lit up another smoke, and I could tell she had been crying as well. “Please don’t hate me!” I silently prayed. Then headed upstairs to sign my little boy away. When I got upstairs, I went to my room. I would be leaving soon, never to return. I was packed and ready to go. I wanted to just leave. Leave it all. Run away. Kris placed the papers in front of me, and I found a pen. I couldn’t stop crying. She read each thing, and I numbly signed the spots I was told to sign. I was their in body, but my mind was gone. I couldn’t think. It was done. Kris collected the papers, and my mom, and the other witness signed in the proper spots. It was over. He was no longer my little boy. I gathered up my belongings, and my mom drove me home. The next day, my mom and Annastasia left to return home, to Oklahoma. I hurt more then I allowed anyone to know. Not just physically, but mentally as well. John, and Debbi called and invited me to go to dinner. It would be the last time I would get to see, and hold my now “birth son” for a year.
Photos
Dax and her daughter, Kat
Ethan and big brother, Josh
Josh is 9 years old and Ethan is 2 months old in this pic.
Ethan, 2 months old