Meet Heather

My favorite color is blue, I love retro things, the 80’s were great! I am 36 and live in Dallas,Texas. I've been married to Jon for almost 16 years and we have 2 children, Joshua and Sarah ages 14 and 15. I have a demanding career in the transportation industry which I love. I love reading horror books, and watching foreign films. I also love rainy days, snuggling in bed watching movies and eating popcorn.
My son that I gave up for adoption is named Ethan. His parents are Karen and James.
I think I am a pretty hilarious person and love to laugh! I can’t stand to have people around me that are negative. I love all sorts of music but prone to rock, metal and alternative.
 

Heather's Story

My story starts with a lot of turmoil and abuse (mentally, physically, and sexually) as a child. I reacted to it by acting out. I had many troubles as a child and teen and ended up running away (for the 2nd time) the summer of 1989 at the age of 16. I ended up meeting a 19 year old guy, Jim and “fell in love”. I went back home after about a month on the run.

After my return my mom put me into a home called Presbyterian Children’s Home which was a group home for children with behavior issues. I was there for about a month when I became “sick” all the time. Well, a pregnancy test was done by the group home doctor (you could not pick up a pregnancy test at the store like you can now) and of course it was positive. They told my mom and advised her I could not stay in that home since it was a Christian home and they could not allow such a thing. My mom came and got me and advised me that I was getting an abortion. I firmly disagreed so she sent me to live with my dad 3 states away. I had only met my dad a couple of time since I was 13, so this was awkward. I had tried to contact Jim before I left but could not locate him. Of course, this was all before the internet and cell phones so I could not find him.

When I went to stay with my dad and his new wife and their kids (his and hers) I felt all alone. My step-mom had given a child up for adoption and so that helped. I was pretty clueless as a 16 year old about adoption and such, I mean, I was no Juno.

The new school I started attending was a very small school out in the country in Alabama and I came from Dallas, so this was a huge shock. At school there were others that had children and they kept their babies while their parents cared for them. I knew I did not want that. I knew I needed to give my baby up for adoption to someone that could give him everything I never had. See, my mom was 15 when she had me so I KNEW I would not be able to provide for him what I had always wanted…stability and all the other necessities, you can only go so far on love. The kids at school either did not talk to me or voiced their opinion that I should keep my baby. I had a couple of friends that supported me but remember, we were kids…

My mother did not really talk to me too much about the thought of adoption, the rest of my family just did not really talk about anything at all. At least not to me…. My step-mom found an adoption agency and we went to meet with them and to start the procedure. It was kind of a blur. I filled out paper work, looked at files of potential parents and such. It was all so confusing.

My dad told me one day that my Great-Uncle heard that I was pregnant and knew of a family he went to church with that was interested in adopting a child. I thought that would be ok, shoot, what did I know? So, some meetings were set up by phone to “meet” this couple. I spoke with them a few times and so did my dad and step-mom. They seemed nice enough, I mean, what do you really know by phone? My great-uncle said he had gone to church with them for years and so I suppose that was good enough for me, so I agreed. I never met them in person and there was no nice little file to read about them. I suppose they took over the adoption with their lawyer, I have never really asked about that part. I know that the adoption agency had searched for the birth father since that is the law and no luck, so he never knew.
For me, being pregnant at school was dreadful. It was embarrassing and painful. I hated being pregnant and hated hearing everyone’s opinions about adoption.

One evening, when I was due, I went to the bathroom and was bleeding a lot. I called out for my step-sister to get my step-mom. I was rushed to the hospital with Placenta Previa (Google it). Everything went so fast from there. They gave me Demerol and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on Tuesday, May 1st 1990. He was a big, perfect baby! Next thing I know I was waking in my room. It was such a weird 2 days, all of my family visited and we took tons of pictures. Everyone held him and took pictures with him. My mom and my baby brother even drove the 12 hours to come see him and me. I took a lot of pictures with him. My dad went to the gift shop and bought him his first outfit and I changed him into it on the 2nd day. Then my step-mom took him, all wrapped up in his blanket and in his new outfit. He was delivered to his parents. I was 16, my feelings were confused. I really did not know what to think. I just knew that he was gone. I started my mental clock count down for the magical 18 years. You see, in my mind, I just had to wait 18 years and I could see him again. I will reflect on that more later.

My mom took me with her when I was discharged from the hospital and we went to her hotel with my brother to stay while she was visiting. We got drunk and she talked me into trying to get him back. You think I was confused before? HA! Now I was over the top with big gigantic breasts swelled with milk and nothing to do with them. So, I called my dad, drunk and all, and begged him to go get him back. My dad, THANKFULLY, refused. A couple of days later a lawyer met my mom, brother and I in a parking lot for me to sign the papers. It was at that time that I saw the full names of the adoptive parents and my son’s name. I never forgot those names! They came in handy years later with My Space and Google!

I went back to school the next Monday on May 7th. It was tense because everyone knew I was coming back to school with no baby. My breasts were leaking and I was cutting Maxi-Pads in half and putting them in my bra to soak it all up. Of course, they slipped and I leaked through many times. Nothing like wet spots all over your shirts to make you feel even MORE uncomfortable in school. Like any teen needs help there?
We had discussed it being an “open” adoption. When he was 3 months old I received 2 pictures of him and never heard from them afterwards. I know now that they were terrified of me trying to take him back. I have no ill feelings at all.

The days passed and I just accepted it. I had times when I was depressed but I dealt with it by partying and self medicating with drugs and alcohol. I had not learned a whole lot. No one thought to seek out a therapist for me, and I have still never sought out counseling for this. I just did it on my own, for the most part. Talking openly about it has always helped. Sort of like relieving pressure. Talking and sharing my story has been amazing therapy. I am very proud of the decision I made.
When my son was 12, my grandfather was dying. My great-uncle went to see him and my dad was there. My great-uncle asked my dad if he wanted to see a picture of his oldest grandson. He pulled out the picture and gave it to my dad. Remember, my great-uncle went to church with him and his family and had been watching him grow up. My dad scanned the picture and sent it to me after calling me and asking if I wanted to see his picture, umm, HELLO?? Of COURSE!!! So, I went to my husband and balled my eyes out. At this time I had been married 8 years and our children were 7 and 8. We sat down and talked about it and decided to tell our children about their brother, Ethan. They were amazing! They were so excited to have a brother. I made copies of his picture and framed them for them both to have a framed picture for their room. They told everyone about it. That is when I really opened up and started talking about it to people and found out how great it was to talk about it.

Time passed again and I never heard anything from them. My great-uncle told my dad that Ethan was told he was adopted when he was very young and has always known. So, in my mind, I thought…any day now and I will hear from them. Not so.

In January of 2008, the year that he was to turn 18, it all finally clicked in my brain. I realized that 18 years was not some magical number that made it all better. Then came the panic attacks, depression and migraines! Those were some rough months. I had finally realized that May 1st was most likely not going to be the great day of reunions! Well, it dawned on me…he was 17, surely he had a My Space or Facebook page??? I knew his full name, so I looked and BINGO! There he was. I sat on the couch with my laptop and cried and cried. I showed my husband and he said for me to be careful. I knew that I should be careful but oh WOW I wanted to write to him. But I did not. I called my kids down and showed them their brother. I told them we were not to disrupt his life. We can watch and look at his page, but do not add him as a friend or send him messages. It was up to him when he decided he wanted to meet. So the wait began…and continued….and continued…

In the meantime I thought…maybe his biological father, Jim has a page….SURE ENOUGH!!! I found him, too! Remember, he never knew. One day, I got brave and emailed him. Once he responded and in a good way, I told him everything. He was floored! He never knew and he was very excited! He has other children and is married now and doing well. I was very happy. His wife was supportive as well. I shared pictures and funny thing…this is the only son that looks like him with the red hair!

May 1st, 2008. Ethan turned 18. I was so sad that day! Why? Because, the magical 18 years had passed and I did not hear from him. My heart knew it was not logical thinking. My husband was very good to me. This was not his son, but he cares for me. He and my other 2 children comforted me. A few months passed and I was a mini-stalker. I looked at his page on My Space and always got excited when we were on-line at the same time and I looked at his friend’s pages to see pics of him. Yeah, I know, not so healthy. But I had to, it kept me going. I loved seeing what a cool kid he was and seeing the comments his friends left him. I saw that he was so loved and a really neat guy.

Well, one day my son, Joshua said… “Can’t I message him?” I thought, why not? So, I admit, I helped write the message. I did not want him to write anything too out there and scare the kid! No one could have written a better outcome than what occurred. He not only wrote back to Joshua but he also wrote ME!
It was FANTASTIC! We wrote back and forth a few times. Then we scheduled a time to talk on the phone. It went GREAT! We immediately bonded. We are so much alike! He and his new brother and sister (Joshua and Sarah) talked a lot, too. The emails and texting took off! We were constantly in touch, all day every day.

I told Ethan about Jim, he decided he did want to meet him but wanted me to make the contact for him. I wrote him on My Space and he was not on for a long time and Ethan and I finally got pretty mad and decided to forget him when he finally wrote back. He had not had a computer for a while. They then started to talk on their own after I set up the first phone call.

He asked me after about a week if I would come to see him graduate high school. I was floored! Well of COURSE I would be there. I talked to my husband and we put it in the budget and my 2 other kids and I made the plans to drive to see him graduate. Joshua and Sarah decided they wanted to stay with their brother at his house. At first I was a little “weirded out” and did not know if that was a good idea but I spoke to Ethan’s mom (Karen) on the phone a few times (nerve wracking) and once I realized she and her husband (James) were really ok with it I said it was ok.

Before he graduated he flew to meet me and stay with us for a week. It was AMAZING to see him coming through those doors at the airport. I amazed myself because I did not cry. I did not want to freak him out. We had a great week and it just seemed like we were family. Funny, because we are…but had just met! It was BEAUTIFUL! I honestly think I was in shock the whole week. It seemed so surreal. But it all seemed so natural as well.

In May, we drove to Alabama to stay for a week. I stayed with my step-sister, Laura at her house and the kids stayed with Ethan. I drove out to his house the day after we got into town and met his parents for the first time. We were all walking on egg shells. We were all so timid and nervous. They were so kind and inviting, but I was still a ball of nerves! One day that I went out there, the kids ditched us and went out with Ethan’s friends so I had decided to leave. Karen asked me to stay, I tell you this…I thought I was going to have a HUGE panic attack. I stayed. We bonded like you would not believe! It was so wonderful. She pulled out a scrap book she made of Ethan and him growing up and showed me tons and tons of pictures and told me so many stories. It was beautiful.
We had also decided while I was in Alabama that we would drive over to Georgia one day and go to Six Flags. Ethan’s biological father Jim lives just minutes from there so we agreed to meet him after they were done with Six Flags, talk about nervous! Karen and I were so nervous!!
 

While the kids were at Six Flags, Karen and I went to Stone Mountain. We found a German restaurant and had a blast sharing a huge platter of fine foods! Then we spent the rest of the day on top of Stone Mountain. She and I are SO much alike! It was kooky how well we got along! She confided in me that after they sent me the pictures of Ethan when he was 3 months old they got scared. They were terrified that I would change my mind and come looking for him so that is why they cut off contact. I understood. I have no angry feelings toward that at all.

We left and went to pick up the kids and knew the hour was approaching to go and meet Jim. We picked them up and went to meet him and his family. It was very weird seeing him after 19 years. He and Ethan had a blast meeting and it turned out to be great. His boys got to meet their big brother and everyone really was happy.

We also had a big graduation party with my family and had Ethan and his parents come. It was fantastic. My dad and step-mom and cousin and aunts and uncles and such…we all had a blast. It was just a good ole family gathering. It did not feel weird at all.

When I returned home it was bitter sweet. I loved returning home to my husband but did not want to leave. We have made plans for us going back for Christmas, hopefully. That remains to be seen since money is tight.

We all continue to talk, I just talked to his mom the other day. Ethan is in college and works. He is such a well adjusted, kind, funny, intelligent, warm young man. His parents raised him well!
I consider them another extension of my family. We are just family, no other way to describe it. I am so lucky!