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Jamie's Page
Jamie's Story As my friend Coley stated so eloquently “No little girl dreams of being a birthmom.... We don't sit around as children dreaming of the day we will become a birthmom.” And neither did I. I always had hoped to find my prince charming, my night in shining Amour to come and rescue me into the wonderful world of housewifery hood. And then I could become the mother of the year! Staying home, making babies, home schooling the children, and being all there for my family. But my dreams came crashing down on me in the summer of 2005, after making one small compromise that led to another.
It all started after a really good season in my life. A lady from church set me up with this really good guy, who dumps me after about 3 weeks into it. Well I was really hurt needless to say. And all of the sudden I got to believing that I needed a man in my life to take care of me. So just a few short weeks after the breakup, I hastily entered into a friendship with a male nurse from work named Raoul, that I had been warned about in the past. And guess what I was on a mission to do? Change him and get me the man that I had always wanted. But I believe that he had other things in mind for me. I knew that my friends where right when they kept telling me that bad company corrupts good character. I was wanting to go one direction and he was wanting to go the other. But at the same time, he was giving me a lot of attention at a time of hurt and pain in my life. And I really didn’t think that I would get caught up into such a big compromise. I mean this was the “past” story of my life. One compromise after another. This time it was going be different. I thought that I had the strength to resist. So I set up my boundaries. I told him “Ok…I will only have coffee with you here at work and that is it “. I mean what would a little coffee hurt with a guy who desperately needed Jesus? And I could show him “the way”. Yep. I was going to get him fixed and straightened out for sure. And all the while, I was a mess myself…hurting and vulnerable. So with my boundaries in place, he kept encouraging me to let down my guard. He would say “Well I don’t understand why you can have coffee with me here at work but not outside of work”. So I would think on it a while and then think “Yeah, what’s the big deal? I can have coffee outside of work with this guy. It won’t hurt anything.” So coffee outside of work led to “ Why don’t we go have an indoor picnic at your house over a rented movie?” Well at this time he had already offered me the use of his spare cell phone and a vehicle of his to drive, if mine ever broke down. So I thought, “Well what if I am wrong about this guy?” I was getting all wrapped up with the care and attention he was giving me in the midst of my hurt. I knew in my heart that I was putting myself in a bad situation. But I thought I could handle things and keep it under control. I mean, I was different now. I had been following Jesus for a season and I knew the ropes. I just couldn’t fall. But I did. It happened with one small compromise that led to another. I was miserable. Completely dissatisfied with the compromise that I had made with Raoul. It was really one of those situations were I wanted out so badly but at the same time, I could not let go. I was getting terrible red flags in the relationship. He had told me so many different stories about so many things. From everything to his real age, to the way he spelled his name to how many different countries he lives in. Then he surprised me by admitting to me that he had children that he had denied all along. But there were a few really more serious things that really struck a bad cord within me. I had found hospital narcotics in his coat pocket outside of work and suspected that he was stealing and abusing them on a regular basis. Which as of September of this year I found out to be true after he voluntarily was asked to surrender his nursing license over the whole mess. Then to top it all off while he was out of the country, I was talking with my good friend Heather and I am telling her all of this stuff and she says “Jamie…Why don’t you go online and see if he has a criminal record”. So I did. His record was unbelievable. I was dealing with an offender of all sorts. So I was like” In shock really. I could hardly breathe I was in such shock. And then I thought to myself ”Well, here is my way out. I’m done with this compromise”. And then another thought hit me. “ Um Jamie. you have not started your period”. And after checking my calendar I realized that I was late with my period. So I got in the car and headed over to the drug store to buy my pregnancy test. Oh my. I was so embarrassed. When I got to the register, the guy that was checking me out just happened to go my CHURCH. Oh dear. Well that really kicked things off with a bang. So I go home and take the test. And it read both positive and negative. So I went to another store and bought another. It read positive. Then I knew for sure that I was pregnant. I was just sick really. Emotionally, Spiritually and Physically. I didn’t want things to go this way. I was already struggling to raise a 13 year old by myself. And I had such big hopes and dreams for things to be so different the next time that I was in a relationship. I wanted the marriage and then the baby. I wanted to be able to give our children all that they needed and deserved, a loving and stable family, committed to God and each other. So at this moment of realization, I knew that with my compromise all of my hopes and dreams would have to be put on hold. Some people said that I could have just gone and had an abortion and not even told Raoul. And yes I could have. But, I know what they do when they perform abortions. And I also knew that the little life growing inside of me was precious, and created by God, although conceived in sin. I also knew then, that Raoul and I were not going to be able to the best parents for our little one. He denies his children and was harmful to himself, me and my daughters. And I was struggling as a single mother already. So I emailed him while he was out of the country. And I told him to call me as soon as possible. He called me about a week later. And I told him 2 things. I said “ I know that you have a nasty criminal record and I’m pregnant” He was really mad at the news that I knew of his past and then just said “Congratulations” about me being pregnant. And then 5 minutes into the phone call, the phone disconnected. I didn’t hear from him for another 2 and half weeks. He just continued his vacation in his other country while I was in the crisis of my life… Alone. Well when he came back, I got the opportunity to talk to him alone a little bit more about the situation. I had told him my concerns and desires to find our baby a new home. He said that he did not know much about adoption, but acted as though he was offended that I would consider our baby better off any where else than with either of us. But I was keeping all of the facts before me as he told me how he felt. The week before he came back, I had already spoken with a friend from the local CPC and she had connected me with an adoption specialist that worked with a local agency. Raoul was not originally supportive in my decision for our baby. But within months our relationship or whatever we had dwindled down to nothing and he signed the papers that would terminate his parental rights. So with it being the end of the year I knew that our baby needed a good home and that time was ticking. I had already told my mother about the news. And all she could say was “ I wish it had of been me”. I did not choose to tell my father because he was adopted into a closed adoption, and had a bad experience. So to this day, he does not know. All of my friends and coworkers knew. Which made things really tough throughout the whole pregnancy. Because some of them did not support me either in my decision for my baby. Because of my lack of support from Raoul, my family and friends, I went to all of my prenatal appointments except for one, alone. Raoul came to one appointment to find out what the sex of our baby was. And guess what? Another precious baby girl. When I was asked about my reasons for placing our baby with an adoptive family, so many things came to my mind. First of all, I thought about my experience as a single mother and my personal struggles in my recent compromise as a Christian. I knew as a single mom that God had provided for me and my daughter over the past 13 years and that he could do it again if he desired. But I was having a real struggle knowing the pain that my 13 year old has experienced pain from not coming from a stable home with a father and mother that could be all there for each other and their kids. I also knew in my heart that our baby would suffer because of our lack of commitment to each other and a full dedication to God. I wanted my baby to have a family that could be “all there”. So with Raoul’s struggles and my own, I knew that we could not give our baby everything she deserved and that I was probably putting myself at risk to get both of my children taken away from me. Also at this point in my life I viewed my support system in a different light as I did years ago. Like I tell people, It is not the governments job or my mothers job to raise my kids out of wedlock. So this are some of the reasons that I chose adoption. Although I knew that this was the right decision, I knew that this was going to be a major loss for a lot of people close to me. It was going to be a loss for me because I know the precious joys of motherhood that I was going to miss out on. I also had such a hard time when I pictured the day that I gave her just one last kiss on her sweet little head and then handed her over to her parents to go home. It just about tore my heart in two. I also realized that my mother was going to lose out on the joy of being a grandma again. And that my other daughter was going to miss out on the joys of being a big sister. One of my mothers greatest prides and joy in life is being a grandma and my daughter just adores cute little babies. So basically I really felt from the beginning of my crisis that this was going to be the best decision for our baby. So for the whole ninth months, I viewed the agencies website for a prospective adoptive couple to raise my little baby girl. I prayed everyday for Godly parents for my baby. This was an extremely emotional time for me. The lady from the agency would tell me that she would not let me interview anybody until I was sure that I wanted to place. I said that I would know 100% when I found exactly what was on my list of qualities that I would like in a set of parents. The interview process had begun after Christmas. I was due in March. After reading 30 plus online profiles and lots of prospective families albums, interviewing 2 families and almost meeting another, I almost had given up. I was being very picky knowing that this was probably one of the most important decisions that I would ever make in my lifetime over any of my flesh and blood. So I went home and once again put my hands on my belly and said “ Ok Lord, you are going to have to bring ‘em cuz if not, this baby is coming home with me” And with that, I waited. The adoption specialist said that she was going out of town for the weekend and she would talk to me when she got back. Well by the time she got back guess what????? I saw them. I read their profile and dear birthmother letter. They really caught my attention. They reminded me so much of some dear friends of mine that I look up to and used to go to church with. So I typed up interview questions for them and sent them. And then I got my answers. They were not perfect, but they were almost exactly what I was looking for. Now it was time for the face to face interview. I met them at the local Christian bookstore and café. They were so sweet. They even gave me flowers. I felt really special. I left that day feeling like they were the ones that were going to raise my baby. But I wanted to run my interview and their answers by my Pastor and his wife before I said a yes for sure. I valued my pastors input for such a big decision. So with that, it was a definite yes. But with only 2 weeks to go, I wanted to meet with them and their other children before to see how they interacted with them and to talk over some last minute details. We met at a local park. The kids were so sweet. Their oldest daughter had colored me the sweetest card. It read “Thank you” and “ I love you”. It was a sweet thank you note saying how excited she was about being a big sister again and how she was so excited that she was going to get to share her room with her new little sister. And then to top it all off, her and her little sister wrapped their arms around my big ole waist as if to give me and their new soon to be baby sister a hug. It was so precious. And the two boys were such gentleman. They called me “Miss Jamie”. They kind of hung out with their daddy on the playground while us girls talked a little. And I also gave the mom some videos and other little things to send home for my baby girl and her family. And they gave Gabby and I precious gifts too. They already had a name picked out for my baby girl. Although they did ask me had I thought of any names for her and took them into consideration. I had thought of Natalie Grace. But they really liked Lauren Patricia. So I said, “This is going to be your baby, why don’t you just name her”. And they did. I left that day for sure that my daughter was going home with them. I was in so much emotional pain. I could hardly say goodbye it hurt so bad. I think I cried the whole way home.
About a week and half later, I went to work in labor. I mean I didn’t know
I was in labor. I was over due, but my doctor told me to wait until
tomorrow to come to the doctor. But the pain was so consistent and bad in
my tail bone that I only stayed at work half of the day. So I climbed 2
flights of stairs on the way out of work and decided to not take my
doctors advice and just drive on over to the hospital. I mean the worse
they could do was send me home. So I walked up to the labor and delivery
triage area and checked myself in. They made me wait an hour and a half
before I got to see a nurse. Finally, I got checked out and the nurse
looked at me kind of surprised and said “Guess what? You’re dilated to a
5..you’re staying. Somebody get her a room” So I kind of was all excited
and made some phone calls. I called the lady from the agency who called my
Lauren’s soon to be new parents. And I called my mother and Raoul because
they said that they wanted to be there. Two precious ladies from my church
came too. After I got in my room, my water broke shortly and they gave me
an epidural. Then we just waited and talked. At midnight it was time. I
kicked everybody out except Raoul and Lauren’s soon to be mom. And they
stayed and helped me until my precious Lauren was born at 2:30am on March
17th, 2006. She was 8 lbs 4 oz and 20 inches long. She was a
biggun!! But so precious. With that first cry
of hers, I was ready to hold her first.
Those days in the hospital where just not enough time to say hello and goodbye to my baby girl. I stayed awake at night to spend some last moments as my baby’s mom. I would feed her, change and sing some songs to her. I just couldn’t get enough. I knew those precious moments as her mother would be over soon. During the day time I had lots of company and phone calls. Lauren’s new parents were also right there by both of our sides loving on us the whole way through those few days at the hospital. I really could not have asked for more from them. They were so good to us. My whole hospital experience over all was not bad with the exception of Lauren’s birthfather calling me the night after the baby dedication and trying to get me to change my mind about the whole thing. The day that Lauren went home I was pretty numb and emotional all that the same time. I signed the termination of my parental papers right there in my hospital bed. And then after that pictures were taken and goodbyes were said and I took their baby down to the nursery. And then I packed up and drove myself home. I sobbed all of the way down the hall and out to my car and all of the way home. It was a devastating feeling. I really have never felt anything as bad in my life up to this point. I was hurting beyond pain that I can describe. Yet I really felt as though my baby was with the family that she deserved. When I got home, I had pictures of them welcoming Lauren home sent to me via email. It was so fresh for me and so painful. But knowing that she was okay gave me a little peace about my decision. Even knowing that I had 7 days to change my mind, I wouldn’t have. I know that I made the right decision for her. Like I always say.. “Doing what is right doesn’t always feel good.” Through all of the pain of the loss, I have relied mainly on my online birthmother support group, and a grief support group through my church. I don’t know how I would have made it up to this point without an understanding ear and permission to grieve such a major loss. So here I am now 8 months and a half months later, hundreds of pictures and letters, 2 precious DVD’s of Lauren and her family and a couple of times seeing them and I have no regrets….just sorrow. I am thankful that she has a wonderful family. I just had never dreamed of being a birth mom. It has been really bittersweet. I told her mom that I just wanted to know if her feet where still really little and long like they were in the hospital, so she took some sweet pictures of her feet for me. This is my Gabby, the daughter that I am raising, holding Lauren at her half a year old birthday party. They look alike don’t they?
This
is me holding Lauren after lunch and visiting with her
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