Jodi's Story

My son's bdad was in prison when I told him I was pregnant. He was excited but, what are you gonna do when you're in prison. I used to go visit him at Folsom State Prison every weekend when I was pregnant. He didn't get out until my son was 15 months old. I decided when I was in my 7th month and the last time I visited him that I wasn't going to continue in this different kind of relationship with him because of some things that he had done when I was visiting with him. I needed to make a choice about my life and how I wanted to start living my life with a new baby and my then 3 year old daughter. So, he was the first to go.

My family was totally unsupportive of me having another baby, not because they don't love babies but, because of my circumstances at that time in my life. My life was a total mess and there I was bringing another child into my mess. It wasn't fair for me to do that to another baby. My daughter had been living with her Nana since she was about 20 months old. But, when she was with me, she was put into dangerous situations and subjected to many bad experiences and people. I had ruined her little life in such a short time because of my selfishness and addiction.

My feelings on adoption were that, "I could NEVER give my baby away!!!" That would be way too hard. I felt that, I would never be able to see my baby and I couldn't deal with that. I knew a friend of mine from high school who had done an open adoption, and I just thought that was not for me. I was in denial about my life and how my life had gone and where my kids were going to end up if I continued to live the life I had been living. So, then I made a decision, due to my waking up in the middle of the night one night, I was 2 weeks from my due date which was Nov. 1, 1995. I woke up and cried and cried and sobbed for hours. I didn't know what I was going to do with this new life in me. I didn't want to put this baby thru what my daughter had already been thru. I didn't know if I was going to stay off drugs or not. My baby didn't have any family, only me. My daughter had her Nana, who is her dad's mom. But, my son would've had no one. I wanted him to have much more than me and what I could give him. I could do the simple things like be there, take care of him as best I could, love him and play with him. But, who would take him to doctor appointments? I didn't have a car. Who would take him if I continued on with my using after he was born? He didn't have a Nana. He would go to foster care. I just knew in my heart of hearts what I needed to do, but, had a very hard time allowing myself to say it out loud. When I finally did, I felt free. It still hurt my heart, like a knife being twisted in it. I think this decision was the only grown up decision I had ever made since I had been born. I actually wasn't thinking of myself for once, I was actually thinking of another person, my child. I then called my friend who placed her son while we were in high school. She then gave me her aunt and uncle's number who were looking to adopt. It goes from here. They were the only family I talked to and the only family I looked at. I chose them to parent my son. I knew he would have everything. I knew he would be taught everything I wish I had been taught growing up. I knew he would grow up respecting women. I knew he would be loved more than anything in the world. I knew he had to be there and I knew they would love him as much as I do. And he is, even more so. Our adoption was very open in the beginning but, the visits are now only once a year. We live in the same town and sometimes that is very hard on both of us. But, we all manage. I love my son as much as I love my girls and some days it is very hard that I made that decision because I have cleaned up my life. I have gone to college and have a pretty good job, for 3 years now, and I am in college again finishing my RN. I want to do high risk labor and delivery, mostly with drug addicted mothers and mothers who are placing their children for adoption. I feel that this is where God is calling me to help other women. And I can't wait, I want to be able to offer support to women that wasn't there for me, or if it was I didn't know it was there. Our adoption was private and so fast that I did receive a number for a place in Sacramento, called "The Birth Connection", I spoke with a lady named Kim. I was still real fresh out of rehab and had very little self esteem, that I felt less than those other birthmoms that weren't drug addicts and weren't homeless, I never called back or went to meeting. I felt that everyone was looking at me saying, "Duh, of course you should place your baby you're a drug addict and you're homeless on top of it." I felt that I was one in few hundred who's situation was like mine.

Anyway, my son's parents bought me a car so, I could get on with my life. Which I was totally grateful for. I was able to go back to school. And do what I needed to do to help me get my life back in order. But, I did end up using again and I got arrested for the last time. And my daughter was with me once again. That was June 4, 1996. I haven't used or drank since. I just celebrated 8 years clean and sober and am grateful for everyday I am clean. My worst day clean is better than my best day using. Thank You, God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, that our adoption has been finalized for 8 years, it still is hard for me. I know that I did the best for my son but, I do wish he was with me. I would recommend to anyone seeking to place their baby, to really research it a lot. Ask a ton of questions and if it still doesn't feel right then don't do it. I would also encourage any woman to no matter what to keep their baby. If at all possible. Unless being a parent is absolutely not what they want to do. From my experience, it has been the most hardest relationship to deal with. I am so powerless over being able to see or talk with my own son. And that is very hard. I don't like to feel powerless but, I know that I do have to feel it in my life.

We had a great visit with my son and his parents in July. He is so cute. He is very handsome. And my girls love to see him and play with him. But, it's such a tense thing with his mom and me. We just don't relate to each other or something. I don't know if she is scared or if I'm going to say something I shouldn't. I know if I had this whole situation to do over again, I would've definitely looked at more couples and really taken my time to make this decision. I didn't realize I could take my time. But, I think I was afraid of bonding with the baby and then not being able to let him go and then ruining his life. Then I say the "Serenity Prayer". Thank you GOD for my life and giving the will to continue on living it.

Jodi and her husband with the 3
daughters she is parenting.