Hello! My name is Kari. I'm 20 years old and currently a sophomore music education major at Butler University, but transferring to Ball State next year. I've been involved in various music ensembles throughout the years, such as marching band, wind ensemble, and symphony orchestra. I'm obviously a big music person, but I also spend a lot of time traveling, hanging out with my boyfriend, Austin, and making things with my hands. I'm a very outgoing person, so I love going to parties and social events to meet new people. 

I met the father (my current boyfriend Austin) in March of 2008. I had been going through a rough time in school and felt that I needed to do something fun and different for myself. I therefore decided to join the Bluecoats Drum and Bugle Corps, stationed in Canton, Ohio. I needed to audition at the March camp, so I thought I would network through some friends to find a ride. That's how I met Austin. Our mutual friend Tom told me he was also in the same drum corps and that I should catch a ride with him.

From the moment we started talking, we couldn't stop! The five hour car ride to Ohio was nonstop fun and we felt like we knew each other so well once we arrived. He and I started dating April the 10th. We really liked each other, and perhaps against better judgment began having sex early on in our relationship. About a month after we first started dating, we had a condom break. It was a terrifying experience, and afterwards we discussed what would happen if I got pregnant. At that point I really wasn't sure what I was going to do. That morning, we went to the drug store and bought the morning-after pill Plan B. I pretty much decided to push the ordeal out of my mind and move on with my life. 

Well, a few weeks passed and both Austin and I were in Ohio for spring training. I had realized I was a few weeks late for my period but I talked it over with a fellow member and she said it often happens to girls who are in drum corps due to the heavy amount of physical activity and stress. However, as the third week approached I started feeling really sick. My throat hurt, I was getting weaker while everyone else was getting stronger, and I felt nauseous. Finally, I noticed that my lymph-nodes were REALLY swollen. One of the parent volunteers drove me to a nearby doctor, where they did a mono-spot test. It came back positive. Because of the risks that come with having mono, I was sent home a few days later. It was really hard leaving my new friends and Austin, who was still in Ohio and would be gone on tour all summer.

After I got home, I expected my period to come back because I wasn't exercising anymore. It didn't. After about a week, I asked my mom to pick up a pregnancy test at work (she was already informed of my concerns). That night I took the test, and obviously it was positive. I didn't freak out though, which is strange. I just remember feeling a sense of calm resolve. I suppose that is a result of having suspicions anyway. I went and told my mom, who also did not seem surprised. She told me that she would support me in whatever decision I would make. At that point I knew in my heart that I was not ready to parent, and from that very moment I knew adoption was God's plan for my baby. 

I called Austin the next day and told him the news. He got really upset and insisted that he come home to be with me. I told him he had to stay with the corps. There is an age limit to be involved in drum corps (21 yrs), and that was his last year to be involved. He reluctantly agreed. 

After a few weeks I had my first prenatal appointment. I remember being with my mom and sitting in the ultrasound chair, filled with emotions of anxiety and excitement to see my baby for the first time! The technician inserted the probe, but what we would see on the screen shocked everyone in the room. There was not one fetus, but TWO! They looked like two tiny little peanuts! The technician explained that they were in two separate amniotic sacs, but that they shared the same placenta and were monozygotic (identical) twins! My mom started to cry and for some odd reason I started to laugh. I was so elated at this beautiful miracle. The moment I left the room I called Austin and told him. He was so excited and amazed.

Later in my appointment, I asked my doctor (who is amazing) which adoption agency he would recommend for me. He told me that Bethany Christian Services was a very reputable agency and that I should meet with one of their counselors. I later set up an appointment with one of their social workers. The moment I started talking to her, I knew I had chosen the right agency. Not once did she tell me that I wasn't fit to parent. She told me that I had to make this decision on my own, no matter what anyone thought. She also explained that even though I had funds available to me through Bethany to help with living expenses during my pregnancy, I had no obligation to them if I decided to use those funds. I highly recommend this agency to any birthmother.

Anyway, the summer months went by so slowly. Luckily I didn't have much nausea, though, and I continued to work as a cashier at a restaurant/bakery. Once Austin got home and school started, though, things began getting better. Let me tell you though, once I started to show, I got some interesting feedback from the people on campus. Many people stared, some so openly that they almost ran into something. As I got further along, doing homework and going to school got harder and harder, but I was still able to (somehow) pull off a 4.0 GPA and made the dean's list. 

I continued with my ultrasounds and appointments, and everything about my pregnancy stayed perfect. I started going to a high risk specialist because of the risk for TTTS, but my babies stayed in perfect health all the way through. I had some scares though. At 5 months I was in a car accident; someone pulled right out in front of me and I didn't have enough time to avoid them. I also had a few miscarriage scares. Other than that though, I had a picture perfect pregnancy. At about 25 weeks or so we found out the babies were girls!

Once I reached the third trimester, it was time to look at profiles and find an adoptive family. I was only expecting to look at a few profiles but my social worker handed me 10!

Austin and I sat and looked at those for such a long time, and we were finally able to dwindle it down to two that we really loved. We decided to meet both couples and make a decision from there. The first couple was Joel and Mia, and after we met them we absolutely fell in love! We knew we had found the right couple, and I could really see my baby girls with them. The scary thing is that Mia had been having dreams about having twins long before she even knew I existed! God was no doubt working in our lives. We met with them a few times, and both my mom and dad got to meet them. Mia even got to come with me to one of my ultrasounds! Joel and Mia gave the girls their first names, and I gave them their middle names. Baby A was Shae June ( June is my mom's middle name) and Baby B was Brynn Margaret (Margaret is my middle name and also a family name). I absolutely loved the names, as they reflected my family's Scottish and Irish heritage. 

After school let out for Christmas break, I was about 36 weeks pregnant, already making it farther than most mothers of twins do. Austin stayed with me over break to help out since my mom had to work. I tried to go out and walk as much as possible, and having him there was a true blessing. We would sit on my bed and cuddle...he loved rubbing my belly and watching the babies move. They were so active! Meanwhile, New Year's approached and I still hadn't gone into labor. In fact, I wasn't even close! Moms with twins usually go into labor way earlier than that. At my 37 week appointment I asked if it was possible to be induced, since I was already full term for twins. My doctor said the earliest he could induce me was at 38 weeks, which was fine, though I would have to miss a week of school. I was fine with this, the health of the babies was more important than anything else.

On Sunday, January 11th, I walked into the hospital at 8PM with my mom, dad, and Austin at my side. Before giving me Petocin, the drug that induced labor, they gave me a drug called Cervadil that ripens the cervix. I just remember after they gave me that I had HORRIBLE back labor all night long and did not sleep longer than thirty minutes. That morning at about 5 AM I finally decided to get my epidural, and they gave me the Petocin right afterwards. Epidurals are AMAZING! I slept all day through most of the labor. At about 3PM I started really feeling the pressure and contractions, and at around 4PM or so I was 10 centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. This is obviously when I started pushing. I began the pushing process in the labor suite, but after Shae began descending they moved me to the OR in case they needed to perform an emergency c-section. Once I reached the OR I only pushed for about another 20 minutes, and at 5:04 PM beautiful Shae was born at 7 pounds 1 ounce! She was a nice sized baby, especially for a twin! I then only pushed for about another 6 minutes and at 5:10 PM little Brynn was born, weighing 5 pounds 11 ounces. I was so happy at their healthy size and weight, and they were both the most amazingly beautiful babies I had ever seen! 

My hospital stay was both wonderful and incredibly sad. I kept the babies with me in my room, so I grew an intense bond with them. I loved every little part of being a mother, even changing their diapers. I hung on to everything I could: their smell, the little sounds they made, the way they would look at me with wide, wondering eyes. Brynn was the most content baby, she loved just being cuddled and held and hardly ever cried. Shae was a fussy one and made sure she got attention! But I knew the time would come when I would have to leave the hospital without them. As much as it broke my heart, I never lost sight of my beliefs and my purpose. I have also never loved anyone or anything like I loved those baby girls. Joel and Mia came to visit a few times and that only made my resolve stronger. Seeing them hold Brynn and Shae, and watching them just fall in love with them was so amazing. Although I felt happy and bubbly the second day in the hospital, during the last day all I could do was cry and hold them. I signed the papers at about 4 PM Wednesday afternoon, and I left the hospital at 10 PM that night. Austin and I said goodbye to the girls in front of the nursery, and we just bawled and held each other as we left the hospital. The next few days were incredibly hard, but having him there to cry with me and keep me company helped immensely.

Things did not get easier. Saturday morning after I was discharged, I went back to the hospital with shortness of breath when laying down, chest pain, and heart palpitations. After being admitted to the emergency center of the heart hospital, they found that my heart rate was dangerously low, ranging from 30-40 BPM. Average heart rate ranges from the 70-100 BPM, and although extremely athletic people can have heart rates in the 50's, it was very abnormal for a recently pregnant woman to have a rate that low. They performed an Echocardiogram, what seemed like hundreds of lab tests and a CAT scan to check for blood clots. I was admitted to the overnight area of the hospital to wait for my results so they could monitor me. The nurses and cardiologist suspected peripartum cardiomyopathy, which is a disease where the muscles in the heart are weakened with pregnancy and do not pump blood effectively enough. The result can be heart failure and in very rare cases a heart transplant. I was told of this disease at 9 PM Saturday night, and spent that night in what felt like a constant panic attack. I was terrified that I was going to die, and although Austin was there at my side, I didn't even feel like I was a part of the real world. Austin and I had talked about getting married and having children in the future while we were in the hospital, and I felt like that comforting future was crashing down all around me. Many women who are diagnosed with PPCM have successful subsequent pregnancies, and the prognosis for PPCM is very good. However, there are risks of reoccurrence of the disease with a subsequent pregnancy and it is often not recommended. This reality was crushing a heart that was already broken from a great loss. By the grace of God, at 7PM the next day, I was told that my Echo came back normal, ruling out cardiomyopathy completely. However, the doctors were still confused as to why my heart rate was so low. They had given me diuretics the night before, causing me to lose pounds and pounds of body fluid. They suspected that the fluid was building around my heart and lungs, making it hard for my heart to pump blood and therefore decreasing the amount of oxygen getting to my lungs. They told me to monitor my weight and heart rate and discharged me.

These past few weeks since them have been really tough. I started obsessing about the health of my heart and continued to have panic attacks. I started compulsively checking my heart rate every 30 minutes, and began to irrationally fear the worst. What if they looked at the wrong echo? What if they missed something? What if I start developing heart failure now? Even though they told me I was fine, I couldn't quite wrap my brain around that reality. I became very depressed and constantly anxious. Finally I decided to go back to my wonderful doctor, who counseled me and wrote me a prescription for Lexapro, an anti-depressant with anti-anxiety properties. I had a history of panic disorder, and although I had gotten very good at coping with it, I was weakened by my recent experiences. The fear I felt about my heart began to wane as my heart rate has been steadily climbing, now in the 50-60 range. However, now that I am not so preoccupied with my heart, I have been able to properly grieve over the loss of my girls. It has been very hard, but every day gets easier, and I am surrounded by wonderful loving people who offer constant support. I am also getting counseling with Bethany and an outpatient center to deal with grief and anxiety. Overall though, life is steadily getting back to normal and I am a happy person who appreciates the beauty and fragility of life so much more than I used to. I am going to be volunteering at my church's nursery, counseling other birth moms with Bethany, and doing whatever I can to be a better person and give back to the community. I truly feel blessed by God to have my health and my loved ones.

Shae in the back and Brynn in the front.


Kari is holding Shae and Austin is holding Brynn.

Graphics from "Funky Love" by Digi-Designs