My story is a confusing one. So in order for you to understand I need to bring you back about 13 years before I became pregnant with Cody.

When I was almost 15, I met the love of my life. Yes, I know that sounds funny but he was. His name is Brian and we dated until I was a senior in high school. My senior year I decided to venture away from him after my dad died. I dated Brian's best friend, Mike (who became my husband). I can honestly say Mike and I were never in love with each other. I loved the fact that he (supposedly) came from a good family and he had a good job at 18 and I was going to have it all; the house, a family, everything. Boy, was I wrong! He was a very abusive man and I was never happy. I tried everything to become who he and his family wanted me to be but it just never seemed to be enough. I was sad all the time

Now we will fast forward to 2001. I was very sick and Mike was not supporting me at all and he was still very abusive and I decided I needed to leave him. It took everything I had, but I did it. And Brian who had remained friends of my family for years was still there for me. He listened when I needed a friend and the attraction and the love between the two of us was still there. But then September 11th happened and I decided that maybe I should try again with my marriage. I was still pretty sick and all I could think was I wanted my kids to have a family. The abuse was getting worse when I moved back and I couldn’t take it so I spent many nights sleeping in my car or with friends. I didn’t like people knowing how bad things were.

I found out I was pregnant and I knew it wasn’t my husbands due to the fact that we had not been together at all. Because of my illness, the doctors said an abortion would be very risky. I was so scared and alone; NO ONE knew. I kept hoping with my illness that I would just loose the baby and it would just go away ( I know that sounds bad). I quit going to the doctor and I just dealt with it thinking I would have this baby and no one will know. ( I didn’t show at all really I wore baggy clothes) I thought the right decision for this baby was to place him/her for adoption. At about 8 months I decided I needed to tell Brian that I was pregnant so I told him we needed to talk and we met to talk and I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to loose him as a friend and I didn’t know what my health was going to be like in the future so I thought what if I die. I can not leave him to raise a baby on his own and I didn't want to trap him and make him pay child support either. Finally I got the nerve to tell him but it was two weeks before I delivered and he was upset, that I could keep this from him, but he also understood, my reasoning.

He said he would stand behind me whatever I decided to do. Two weeks later I was teaching preschool and I could tell I was in labor all day and I came up with the story that I needed to go to the cities to the doctor because I was not feeling well. I dropped Becky off at a friends and said I would be back later. Mike would pick up Austin from school. My contractions at this point were about five minutes apart and I had an hour drive to the hospital. I don’t know how I did it but I got there! I remember crying so hard on the way down there. I got to the hospital and I went to the emergency room and said I think I am in labor they sent me to OB. I was dilated to a 6 already! A very nice nurse was with me and I told them all from the start that after I have this baby I want to place it for adoption. I checked into the hospital at 4:30 and had the baby a few hours later. They told me it was a boy and my heart sank. I was so alone and so scared.

I called home and said they had to do surgery on me and I would be in the hospital for a day or so. Mike never asked to come see me which was good. I just told my friends that I couldn’t have visitors because they wanted me to rest. The next few days were a world wind of emotions due to the fact that I was married. Even with Brian taking claim of being Cody’s birth father, Mike was technically involved and considered to be the father so I would not be able to just place Cody with any family I wanted. They said I could ask a judge in the county where I was from to not notify Mike but the judge probably wouldn’t go for it. So two days later I left Cody at the hospital and went home. I cried so much I couldn’t believe I just left my baby at the hospital. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and here I am leaving my baby ( I still hurt at that) They said since they knew my identity that they would have to notify my county and they would send a foster family from my county for the baby, but that meant Cody had to stay in the hospital with out me or any one for a few days. I went down there everyday! Then he was placed in a foster home. I went up to the county to talk to them about the court hearing trying to get it so we would not have notify Mike. I was standing at the counter at the county and this lady was standing there holding a baby in an infant seat. I looked and I had this feeling about that baby so when I got in to see my worker I said is my baby here and she said yes ( I knew that was him). I knew the foster family and we became very close during the time that Cody was with them. I got to spend a lot of time with Cody the next month. Mike got served with papers and I spent many days in court hearings and I relinquished my rights, Brian relinquished his and Mike finally did too but he made my life a living nightmare the whole time!

During this time I picked Cody’s parents from their profile, they had all the qualities that I wanted for my son. They liked hunting and fishing and were a tight knit family and that is what I wanted for him! The day I gave Cody to his parents was right after Easter and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! My heart still hurts to think of that day! I remember I read a letter to his parents and I cried so hard as I left. I knew I was doing the right thing but it still hurt! I met up with Brian and he said if you don’t want to do this we can go get him. I remember thinking “oh yes” that is what I want to do. But I also knew when I left Jim and Brenda, that they were now a family and I could and never would hurt someone that way. We had just given them the gift of life and a love that is immeasurable!

That was the last time I saw Cody I still think of him on a daily basis and I still hurt every day I don’t share that with many people but I do. I pretend to be strong and act like I am ok. But there are so many days that I feel so sad but I know I need to go on and that is what I do!

I thank god every day for my kids and for Brian and my family if it weren’t for them I would be lost!!!

I also am very thankful for the pictures I get of Cody and the updates when I look at pictures of him I know he is happy and that is what I need to get through. I know a great family is raising him and they love him just as much as we do!