A month after my sixteenth birthday and just starting my junior year of high school, I found out that I was pregnant. I was spending the night at a friend’s house when I decided to take a pregnancy test. When those two pink lines appeared showing that I was pregnant, I was both thrilled at the thought of being a mommy but scared at what that would mean. We spent all night dreaming of whether it would be a boy or girl, picking out names and wondering what it would be like to raise a child and have a family so young. Yet, we had no clue what reality would bring and how this would flip my world upside down. When I look back on that night, I see how much I have learned, grown and changed all for the better.

Kaylee's birthfather, whom I’ll call Ryan, and I had known each other for several years and dated for about eight months when I found out I was pregnant in October of 2003. I guess you could say he was my "first love," and I thought we would be together forever. Things did not happen that way. During the last few months of our relationship, things had started to go downhill. I hoped he would turn around and he would be there for me once he found out that I was carrying his child. Instead, it only got worse and we grew even more apart. Since then, we have talked and seen each other only a few times.

The first few months of my pregnancy were very hard to get through, not only because of Ryan’s lack of support, but because I had to tell to my parents and deal with being so disappointed in myself. I couldn’t understand why I had let this happen or what I was going to do about it, but I knew an abortion wasn’t the answer. Everything that was happening was a lot to take in and deal with which slowly lead to depression.

Around Christmas of 2003 and when I was 3 months pregnant, I decided to make some necessary changes in my life. I decided to move two hours away from my Mom, whom I’ve always lived with, to live with my Dad. It was a very hard time for both my mom and I, but it has only made our relationship stronger as well as helped me to grow in many ways.

Throughout all this, I was determined to keep and raise my child. My parents were wonderful and supported me in whatever decision I made, though they both agreed that adoption was the best choice. I heard what they were saying about how hard it would be, but I didn't want to accept it. I could also hear the little voice of God telling me adoption was best, but I always pushed Him and the thought away. I thought I could do it all; finish high school, go to college, raise my daughter and work. Of course, it would have to be with the help and support of my family, friends and a strong reliance on the government. I spent months trying to convince everyone, including myself, that I would be able to do it. I was being unrealistic and was only blinded by my dreams of being a super teenage mom.

Then one day when visiting my mom, we decided to take a short hike on beautiful Sunday afternoon.  Being outside in nature, surrounded by God's creations, triggered something inside me.  Out of the blue, I broke down crying. I kept thinking of all the things I would be missing out on and the things I couldn't offer my child that she deserved.  I often joke how it seemed that God "hit me on the head” with the realization of what being the Super Mom would take—giving up my childhood and sacrificing what my daughter needed in life. First and foremost, my daughter deserved a better life than one practically raised by a babysitter as I went about my super teenage-mom duties. I had an overwhelming love for her even though I had not yet seen her beautiful face.

I knew right then that God had planned, for both Kaylee and me, an adoption. I had known it all along but at that moment, I accepted it.

I had been seeing a counselor since the beginning of my pregnancy to help me deal with all the emotions and to help me best solve my situation. Once I had decided on adoption, I told her and she got portfolios together for me. She only showed me 3 portfolios, but that was all I needed. The very first portfolio I looked at was about a couple named Christine and Phil. I immediately felt a connection with them through the letter they wrote to the potential birthmother. They had everything I really wanted in a family for my daughter. They were a young Christian couple and already had adopted a son. There were so many similarities between my family and theirs; beliefs, morals, values, their way of living—right down to which kind of dogs we liked. Two weeks later we met in my counselor’s office. I loved Christine and Phil from the moment they walked in. They answered all my questions well with confidence and ease. Since I had already named my daughter Kaylee, I wanted to keep it as her name. When my counselor told them this, they said they already had a named picked out--it was Kayla. Out of their open heart, they were willing to keep her name the same. I also wanted Christine and Phil to feel like they had a part in naming her so I didn’t mention the middle name I had in mind. It was amazing to find that we both had chosen the same name, Ann. All of these similarities were comforting reassurances from God that this family was in fact the one God had lovingly chosen for Kaylee.

On the day before we were released from the hospital we chose to have a celebration of Kaylee’s birth and to honor a new beginning for everyone involved. I chose to have heart necklaces engraved for Christine, Kaylee and myself with our initials on them as a reminder of our connected hearts and lives. Kaylee’s necklace has both Christine’s initials and mine as a symbol of our adoption and her two loving mothers. I wear my heart necklace as a daily reminder of my connection and love for my daughter.

It has been several months since Kaylee’s birth in June of 2004 and I am still confident in my decision. Of course, there are days that are harder than others but I am comforted in knowing that Kaylee is where God wanted her to be and He helps me through. When I do have an emotional day, a much-treasured visit or a talk on the phone with Christine and Phil always brings a sense of peace over me. They frequently say when they adopted Kaylee, they adopted me into their family as well. Every word and action they make demonstrates their open mind and heart. I thank the Lord everyday for my experience, and I am so grateful for the connection He has formed out of love: an adoption of love.

Newborn Kaylee

Kaylee and Leah
when Kaylee was 4 months old

Leah holding Kaylee and posing with Kaylee's adoptive family
plus Leah's sister in the corner at their Christmas visit.
Kaylee is 6 months old in this pic.

Kaylee at 9 months

Kaylee on her 1st birthday, June 11th, 2005

Writing has been very healing for Leah. It's also interesting to see how much her emotions have changed in a years time. Leah has an online journal and is willing to share it with all of you so you can better understand a birthmother's heart.

Read Leah's Online Journal

 

          

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