My name is Raquel, I am a 35 year old mother of four girls at home and birthmother of my only son, Micheal.

Raquel's Story

In April of 2002 I found out I was pregnant for my son. At the time I was getting divorced from my husband who was not the father. Coming from an abusive relationship I was not wanting to be involved with the father of Micheal. I was not ready for a baby.

As I sat in the bathroom holding the pregnancy test I saw the positive sign become darker. I screamed out loud "NO, NO!" I cried and even cursed. I loved children, I loved babies, why did I feel this way? I still do not know.

All during my pregnancy I felt as though this child I was carryng was not mine. I loved him and always will but he was not mine to keep. I made sure I held on to that feeling so that it would not devastate me when the time came to give him up for adoption.

My family was at the time living in a different state so they were not there to help. They were there in spirit and most of them were understanding. My sister advised abortion in the beginning and now she does not like to talk about it. It bothers her deeply.

The birthfather was in love with me and wanted a relationship, I could not give him. He tried to help me the best he could but in the end he gave his rights up as well.

On September 14th, 2002 I gave birth to my son prematurely, weighing only three pounds eleven ounces. The adopting family were the only ones by my side to help, a loving couple that I gave my only son to.

I felt positive about my decision to give my baby up for adoption but that did not take away the sadness that I felt when I said goodbye. I left the hospital on September 18th,2002...alone.

When I decided adoption I was three months pregnant and had all the right reasons. Today when people ask how many children I have I answer "five, four girls at home and a son who I gave for adoption." "Wow", they would say. "How were you able to do that?" or "Why?" I had many answers but they were personal. I would make sure they knew that I loved my son and he is in my life even though he is not physically with me. My older children will always mention Micheal to people if I don't, they love him to.

Rumors were circulating around my job after I had Micheal and some I had to ignore. My friend would tell me "Everyone thinks you gave him up because he is a mixed child" or "They want to know why you kept your white child" , who was born after he was, and I wondered if they thought I gave him up because he was a boy. No, color and sex were two reasons I would have loved to keep him, he is beautiful! Those reasons were not enough to prove that I loved him. To handle this I would let those people know that I love him, brag about him often, and never be ashamed. If people don't understand remember that they would probably do the same if they were in your shoes. These children are gifts for us as well as for adoptive parents.

 
Micheal, Christmas 2002