Sarah's Story:

This is a page dedicated to my birth-daughter Rachel Lynn (Arianna) at birth.....

When I was 15, I was raped by someone I went to school with. I didn't tell anyone because I was so ashamed and confused. I got really depressed and even had thoughts of killing myself. I found out that I was pregnant and things got worse. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone and  I didn't for a long time.

Sure, I thought I should just go and get an abortion and go on with life. But by the time I said anything it was too late. And I don't think I could have done it anyway. When the news finally came out it was pretty bad. In any case I had a long talk with my parents and decided that adoption was my best choice. I was in no way ready to be a mom at 16 and I was really depressed and still pretty messed up from what happened.

I found an adoption lawyer. She was really great and gave me profiles of people wanting to adopt. I chose a couple and met with them. They seemed great, they already had adopted once and were ready to adopt another child. I found out I was going to have a girl. Through all of this rape charges where pressed, but had to be dropped due to the stress it caused me ,and the adoptive parents worried about the baby.

I had a few months to get to know the people who where going to adopt my baby girl. It was weird to be 16 and pregnant. I felt very alone and my friends kind of went away. I gave my daughter a name before she was born, Arianna. She was in breech position and wouldn't turn no matter how many times the doctors tried. So finally they decided that I was going to have a scheduled C-section but that didn't work out because on the night of January 29th, 1997 I went into labor. She was delivered by emergency c-section on January 30th 2:34 am. She was beautiful!  When I held her for the first time she opened her blue eyes and looked at me.

I spent 3 days in the hospital with her. I tried to spend as much time as I could with her. Her new parents were there every minute they could be. They where so happy to have a new daughter. I felt happy for them and sad for myself. Finally, the day came when I had to go home and she had to go with them. I signed all the papers. On the last page where I signed my name for the last time a tear fell and smudged my name. I still have dreams about that. I held her one last time, kissed her, and told her that I loved her and would always think of her. I told her she was my angel.

I went home and cried for days on end. I started therapy and antidepressants. It helped some, but I still had a hard time dealing with it all. Eventually the boy who raped me went to jail. The other reason I decided on adoption is his family thought they should have rights to my daughter and I wanted her to be safe from him and them. I really miss her and no matter what anyone says I loved her and always will.

I have what's called a semi-open adoption. I did get to see her a few times but now I just get letters and photos a few times a year. Today she is almost 9 years old. I don't know why but it seems harder this year. Maybe its because she is growing up and I wish I could see her. I don't ever tell people about her because to many people make judgment to quick. So this is my way of telling the world. I needed to get this out. I'm feeling very depressed as of lately. Some people have said some nasty things to me about how I should have kept her. but I know I couldn't have. In the end although I miss her very much, I know I made the right choice....