My whole life I wanted a family.  I have come from a very weird messed up home so all I ever wanted was a husband and children.  When I was 15 my Mom got pregnant again for the 4th time.  My brother lived with my dad and my sister and me lived with my Mom.  The boyfriend that my Mom had did really like me and my sister so she sat us down one day and told us she was leaving with him and we couldn't go.  We had the choice to go live with our dad or any friends that we wanted to.  My sister picked my dad and I picked to live with my friends family.  This was the Mast family.  Well, after my Junior year was finished my dad made me come live with him.  I didn't get along with him at all.  And I was so mad that he made me leave all my friends and my school. 

 

After moping for a couple of months my dad said that I had to get a job, I guess he thought I could meet more people and I would be happier.  Well, the only person I really met was Jimmy, the birth father.  We were together for a couple of months before we decided that we HAD to be together.  My dad very much refused that and him.  So I ran away.  Jimmy and I moved in together and I thought everything was perfect.  I dropped out of school cause I guess that is not what I wanted to do in life.  I wanted to be a Mom.  After living with each other for a while we thought, well I guess mostly I thought, that it would be so perfect to have a baby.  That's the only other thing I wanted in life.  And it didn't matter to me if I was married or not. I guess I figured we were engaged and that was close enough.

 

We tried for 2 months and I got pregnant Feb 2000.  I was so excited the day I found out I was pregnant.  I had Clay Nov 24th 2000.  From that day on Jimmy was never the same.  I guess I wanted a baby so badly that I gave him more of my attention then any one, including Jimmy.  He was the best, cutest baby I had ever seen.  Jimmy and I started getting pulled apart.  He was jealous of Clay and because of that never really spent anytime with him.  Jimmy and I tried for a year to make our relationship work.  But we seemed to fight about everything.  I was still willing to give it a chance though.  Then we would fight so badly that he would get a little abusive.  So I decided that I wasn't going to take that and I moved out.  Clay and I moved in the Mast family.  Which was the only people at the time that I knew as family cause my real Mom and dad I never talked to.  We lived there for about 5 months before I put him up for adoption.  Remember I dropped out of school my senior year so I had no education and the place I worked at Jimmy was my manager.  So they had to put us on opposite schedules.  Cause anytime we were around each other we fought.  Clay and I had no money.  I sold everything I had to try to take care of him.  I even sold my engagement ring to help us.  But it seemed that what ever I did it wasn't enough.  Jimmy never gave us any child support or anything.  He said that because I left I should take care of him and me by myself.  And I shouldn't have left if I couldn't make it.  I was taking night classes trying to finish school and working in the day.  I never really got a chance to see Clay till he was sleeping.  I was never there.  So finally one day I started thinking about adoption.  My dad and Mom split when I was about 3 and she struggled our whole lives.  And my whole childhood sucked.  I didn't want that for Clay.  He was worth so much more.  He needed so much more.  A Mom and a dad.  The whole 5 months that I had Clay, Jimmy watched him 4 times I think.  And every time Clay came back to me his diaper was full and his stomach empty.  I thought that Jimmy wasn't taking care of him, which I soon found out was true.  He would be wearing the same diaper that I dropped him off in when I picked him up.  He would end up getting serious diaper rash. 

 

I thought about putting him up for adoption around Mar 2002, Clay was about 1 1/2.  Every time I thought about it I got physically sick.  I couldn't handle it.  So after a week I finally could think about it and not throw up so I started looking stuff up on the internet. 

 

The first internet site I saw was Independent Adoption Center.  I sent them my address and they sent me the package with all the perspective adoptive parents.  I didn't tell anyone about it, cause I guess I thought I was just looking.  I wasn't ready to handle the fact about what I was going to do.  I looked through the pile of people, and at first I just looked at the couples.  The one that caught my eye the most was the one with bright neon yellow paper.  Then I knew if I did do this that I would want completely open adoption.  So I put the ones that said or I thought would say closed away.  Then no matter which ones I looked at I kept going back to the yellow one.  So I finally read over it and they sounded really good.  I had two couples that I thought might be good parents for Clay.  I didn't call the bright yellow one first.  I called this family that had already adopted a child.  I thought that it would be great cause they already knew what they were doing and Clay could have a sister.  But luckily they didn't answer the phone.  So I called the bright yellow one.  Sadly enough they didn't pick up either.  But I left them a message and hours later the called me back.  Their names were Brian and Julie.  The first time I talked to Julie we actually talked for a while.  I felt really comfortable with her, and we had a lot in common.  We talked a couple of times before we decided to meet.  

 

They lived about 3 hours from me, so it was a long trip for Clay and I, but we drove to see them about 5 times before I put him up for adoption.  I finally told the Mast family that I was living with what I decided to do, and they told me that was what they were thinking I should do.  I told Jimmy that I was going to put Clay up for adoption and at first he agreed with me.  He thought that would be best for him.  But shortly after he disagreed and decided to mess with me he was going to make it hard for me.  Thank God that North Carolina is against the fathers having any decision in adoption.  I put Clay up Apr 4th 2002.  Without Jimmy having a choice.  I knew it was best for Clay.  Jimmy did threaten me by saying he was going to get a lawyer and take Clay back.  He never did though.  And after a month he signed his rights away also.  

 

The adoptive parents and I decided that we were going to have a really open adoption.  They said I could come see Clay anytime I wanted to, and they would keep in contact all the time.  So it made me feel more comfortable.  After I put Clay up for adoption I drove up to see him every weekend or every other weekend.  At the beginning it was really hard to see him.  I cried the whole way home, every single time.  I was glad that he had a good family, but it made me sad being away from him.  Most kids have a difficult time when they change over houses, but Clay was always such a happy baby, loved everyone.  He took it so good.  He is one of those kids that will talk to anyone and everyone.  He's great like that. 

 

After the adoption my life just kind of went down, way down.  I got extremely depressed.  Then one day I up and decided to join the Army, and I did.  They Army took me away from my problems for a little bit.  But everything came back to me about a couple months into it.  I wasn't dealing right with the adoption.  Although I was so happy for Clay.  I still missed him, a lot, and all the time.  I started going to a therapist after I hit completely rock bottom.  Although it made me feel better, I was still messed up and depressed.  Well, it turns out that the Army wasn't for me.  I got hurt and ended up getting medically discharged.  Which was a good thing.  I became a nanny for someone that I met in the Army.  Watching her kids made me feel better somehow.  While working for her I found my husband.  And for the first time in my life I finally found someone that truly cared for me and felt good like I use to when I was 15 years old.  We got married July 24th 2004, and life has really been so much better since then.  The pain about Clay didn't go away, but it made it better.  And he was the only male that I actually could talk to and understood the adoption stuff.